a very unmerry birthday to me.

today was not a merry day.
allen went insane and we got into a bizarro fight this morning, at 8am, during which i slapped him and he semi-tried to choke me.
whoa.
yeah.
we (me, lu, tab) called my dad and my uncle, and asked them to come over, to help bring some male authority energy.
for people who have been following my blog for a while, i think you might have heard about what a "character" allen is.
i was thinking today about what an amazing movie this will make, if i ever write a screenplay for it, because it's truly got everything in it, now, also a physical fight between me and a 250 lb bear-man.
so, allen is a challenging person.
i am not going to get into a list of reasons why he is basically a crown of thorns on my brow, but i can sum it up by stating he has poor communication skills, and explosive temper, and a life-long steady pot habit, which has left him deeply paranoid. my mom is the only person who has ever understood him, i think. i certainly don't.
we have gotten along thus far through me just being the 'bigger person' and letting it go when he gets angry and screams obscenities at me.
whatever, i tell myself. he's like a small child. he just says the first thing that comes to his mind. he doesn't mean it.
but today i just reached the end of my rope.
i went in to talk to him about how mom was doing, how her night was, and it somehow escalated to him calling me a fucking bitch and telling me to shut up, telling me that he doesn't know why i'm even here because he has to do everything, etc.
i responded in a totally unacceptable manner, contrary to my training and inclination, and slapped him.
he lunged at me and grabbed my throat.
lu and tab rushed in and pulled us apart. (tab said she felt like gandalf, throwing her arms around and pointing her finger authoritatively.)
the rest of the day was spent dealing with the aftermath of this.
i am done making excuses for him being a rage-aholic with no respect for other people's feelings. i have had enough tiptoe-ing around, for fear of setting him off unexpectedly.
today, i said 'no more.'
i admitted i was powerless to control his insanity, and i asked for help. (from my dad and uncle and the nurses.)
i got the help i needed, and hopefully things will be tolerable for the next little bit.
the nurses agree that mom has probably days left.
i have a lot of feelings about today's incident, but i am tired down to my bones from the sucking today, and i am going to bed.
hopefully tomorrow i'll have a fresher perspective. and, hopefully, i'll remember to write more about this, because it really brought up a lot.