Monday, January 31, 2005

student government. why?

i think i just do it because i like to argue. it's really getting me nowhere. it's a microcosm of government in general, in the sense that it's totally dysfunctional and everywhere you look there is serious detail work that needs to be done to fix things. so, just like with government in general, where do you start? what do you do when everything is falling apart and every single thing needs your full attention?

no seriously, i'm asking, because i honestly can't figure it out. my method so far, working half-assedly on a million different things, hasn't been especially fruitful, so this semester i am going to attempt to focus on three main goals/projects, and let everything else slide. shit, i already applied for colleges, so it's not like anything this semester can help me get in, right? as long as i have one concrete thing to show for my hours of time, i'll feel fulfilled.

the academic senate (the teachers' decision-making body) are being a bunch of horse's asses and i want to kick them around the campus ten times each. it is totally contrary to my nature to be distrustful and it hurts me in my heart when people prove my worst suspicions correct. it's really discouraging.


on a totally different note, today was so beautiful and sunny, and i just felt full of joy. i never realize how much i miss the sun until it comes back and i feel like a flower opening up or something. yet another reason why going to ucla would be sweet: sun all the time. i might miss the rain at some point, but not as much as i'll be stoked to wear flip-flops and skirts every day if i want. i accidentally stoked myself with a late starting class on mondays, so i don't have to be to school until noon, which is already turning out to be a blessing. being able to take my time this morning was heaven. taking a leisurely shower; changing clothes as many times as i needed to in order to be wearing clothes i felt comfortable in, without having to rush out in an outfit that wasn't working right; leaving a smidgen early and getting an iced chai; moseying to the bus stop listening to interpol (i know! i didn't listen to my book-on-cd!); even getting about 30 mins of loafing on a sunny bench before class... heaven. then my student senate made me full of rage and i wanted smash and it kinda killed my buzz.

regardless, today was heaven before student senate, and i hope it's sunny again tomorrow. i know it'll get cloudy and rainy again at least once before spring starts, but a smidgen more sunny weather before hand would be really appreciated.

oh well.

Current mood: busy

Saturday, January 29, 2005

kira the grouch.

i have a lot of homework, already. i am obviously not doing it, because i am writing this instead, but it is important to note that, one week in, i have homework in all of my academic classes. and i guess, to be honest, i ought to practice the songs we're working on in chorus, though i can't read sheet music so i don't know what more i can do.
here is a brief run-down on what my classes had in-store for me this week:

statistics: "zany" ponytail guy teacher. he's nice, just trying to hard to be the cool teacher. statistics is boring enough to put a hummingbird into a coma. seriously. algebra was way cooler than this. my friend, mike, from my astronomy class (last year), is in it, too. he's a total dick but very entertaining. it'll be fine. boring, but fine.

astronomy lab: whatever. my teacher is like a teeny hobbit woman, all rosy cheeked and round. she's really nice. the rich bitch persian mafia princesses from my astronomy class (last year) are in there, too. i can't stop staring at them. i have the dueling impulses to condemn and join them. story of my life, man.

myth, symbol and the arts: different teacher than i expected, but the guy seems pretty rad. he usually teaches at another jc, so i think the class will be pretty hard. (com is like college for babies, more so than other community colleges.) the class is jam-packed. there are some real dolts in there. wowie. a christian vietnamese guy that i know from student government is in there. it'll be mildly interesting to see how he responds to the ideas put forth. he was sure to comment that science, itself, is really just a set of myths and such, like a religion. they never rest, that god squad, always shaking their pom-poms and cheering for god. my other friend named mike, from my anthropology class (3ish years ago) is in there, which is sweet. he's a peach. the class, at least on the first day, was very discussion-y, which is a pet peeve of mine. i am not paying to here the assholes in my class pontificate on a subject, i am paying to learn about it from someone who knows some actual facts about it. but i'm a grouch that way. i still haven't decided if i'll take it for a letter grade or c/nc.

evolution and heredity: radical. love the teacher, nice small class, only 3 tests and that's it...perfect. except for... that fucking nimrod who sits to my left won't shut his fucking pie hole and let the teacher talk. he likes to complete her sentences incorrectly. for example, imagine this sample of dialogue:
"okay, let's talk a bit about phenotypes. phenotypes are-"
"oh, is that the stuff that genes are made of? like, the stuff that makes up the genes?"
dude, if you'd stop talking, perhaps she'd be able to tell you what a phenotype is. i am a chronic hand-raiser, but i am careful not to overdo it or be that guy. that guy is an indiscriminate hand-raiser, in the sense that he raises his hand regardless of whether or not he has anything of value to contribute. or to ask questions that actively steer us off the topic at hand, for no reason. i hate him with a venom i have seldom experienced. i fear that i'll blurt something really rude at him, out of desperation. i think i was already muttering and groaning too loud. i just got so fucking fed up with hearing his voice. again, i am not paying to listen to your flap your gums, you pinhead. i'm here to hear the teacher, who actually DOES know something about this topic. he's the worst. he is hell. he is ruining my perfect class.

community chorus: i had to audition to get in. it was easy, aside from the sight-reading test, which i knew i'd botch. i'm an alto, but i impressed the teacher with my vocal range and he encouraged me to keep singing because i could easily slide up to being a soprano with some practice. woowoo. i am the youngest person in the chorus by at least 15 years. the majority of the people have been in the chorus for years, so it was really scary. i was kinda desperate for someone to talk to me. we're doing an entirely mozart show this year. um... wish i could sight-read, 'cause that shit is hard. i was tempted to quit, but i am going to stick it out. those chorus folks take that shit super seriously, though. whoa.

in other news, i have scheduled my driver's test. it is feb 17th. part of me wants to keep it a secret, so that if i fail i won't have to tell everyone because they won't know, but the other part of me feels like i need to just accept that i might fail the first time and get over it. so, yeah. the 17th.

i am also officially insured now. let's go out and drive into stuff!

okay, fine. i'll do homework now. sheesh.

p.s. what the fuck does exanimate mean? i just chose that as my emotion to see what the bouncing cat looked like.

p.p.s my package of clothes from came and my new diesel watch is the time-keeping equivalent of dark chocolate (in a good way.) it is fucking tasty. i look like a tough bitch in it. grr.

Current mood: exanimate
Currently listening: Edward Scissorhands: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack By Danny Elfman

Thursday, January 27, 2005


i'm still really bummed about elliott smith. i know it's been a while and it should have settled in, but it hasn't, and i am still really sad and kinda pissed that he's dead.

Current mood: discontent
Currently listening : from a basement on the hill - By Elliott Smith

Monday, January 24, 2005

'first' day

today was my first day of school. it was fine. this is, like, my 13th semester or something so the thrill is kinda gone. (it's not really my 13th. it's my 9th. or something.) saw my school peops. i'll miss being someplace where i know, or at least recognize, half of my classmates.

today was also my first filling. um...novocaine is both cool and shitty. it was interesting, but also unpleasant and lasted WAY too long.

also had cramps and was cold, oh and my neck popped out of alignment as i got out of the shower. all of these were rad.

but it was still a strangely satisfying day. i am full of renewed purpose on student gubmint stuff. this is my last semester, so i really feel like i want to have something tangible to show for my time invested. i am going to pick one big goal, and two lesser goals, and really focus my attention on those and let the rest of the gubmint shit go. between school, jobs, b/f, working out, sleeping, not freaking out...i'll have a full plate.

but it's my LAST SEMESTER at junior college, and i'd endure anything to get through this. this is perhaps the biggest thing i will ever have accomplished, of my own volition. finishing high school wasn't really by choice. this is something i am finishing because i wanted to and forced myself to. it's pretty exciting. hopefully i get accepted to a college, or i'll be a bit put out.

i spent a zillion dollars in two days. between the filling, buying textbooks, and impulse shopping on, i am hella po' now. but i'll have healthy teeth, be hella smart and be snazzily dressed, so, it all evens out.

Current mood: tired
Currently reading: Wizard and Glass: The Dark Tower IV (Unabridged)

Sunday, January 23, 2005

as i begin school again...

i'd like to take this opportunity to reflect on my vacation. when i was little, my mom would always have a chat with me before school started, to debrief my vacation.. like a formal ending and beginning. i like that idea, to consciously enter and exit periods of my life. so, in that spirit...

* i read so much. i read that jonathan lethem book that ripped my heart out. i finished that massive neal stephenson book. i read "the curious incident of the dog in the night" or something, and it was charming. i read the first three lemony snicket books, out of curiousity, and they were pretty feeble. no harry potter, that's for sure. i read a new collection of dave eggers's short stories, which had highs and lows. i read "the league of extraordinary gentleman," which was really disappointing. those are the highlights. lots of reading.

* i made some money. i worked some, helped out my co-workers, but mostly avoided working like usual. heh. my filing job is such a cakewalk. suckers. i like to just not go. sometimes i call, sometimes i don't, but they don't really care. or, if they do, they like me and just let me. it's sweet.

* i learned to drive. (finally.) my mom bought me my first car, (which is a huge deal and was something i never thought would happen.) i am in the process of honing my driving prowess, though i have driven to petaluma and back, all over san rafael, to my job in corte know. about. i have been driving MY car about. it is cute and it works perfectly and i love my car and driving is scary and exciting and scary. i am going to call to make my appointment tomorrow, so i can be a real, licensed driver.

* i relaxed a lot. i am a creature of leisure, as anyone who knows me will tell you, and i require long, extended periods of sloth to feel whole. my loafing battery is full-charged.

* i shopped. i bought some cute clothes. i like to shop. whatever, i'm a materialistic, superficial ninny sometimes and i fucking love shopping.

* i spent some good quality time with my loved ones. i hung out lots with shannon, who hasn't been working, and i love it when we have time off together. i got to spend time with lu and tab, both together and individually. my dad took me driving and taught me to parallel park (sorta.) me and my mom impulse bought nordstoms to its knees. i didn't get to spend barely any time with ariana, which is a bummer.

i think i'm ready for the new semester. it'll be a toughie, but it's my last one in junior college, so, regardless of the difficulty, i'll make it happen and get the heck out.

Current mood: content
Currently listening : Princess Mononoke: Music From The Miramax Motion Picture - By Joe Hisaishi

Wednesday, January 5, 2005

no war but the class war.

that jonathan lethem book really fucked me up. i won't ramble too long about it, because i'll just get all bummed out again, but crack is really fucking lame and i hate it and if it was a person, i would dedicate my life to killing it.

what the fuck can be done about the cycle of poverty and drug usage? if there's a hell, i honestly hope that whoever created crack spends eternity there. how fucked up must your life be to have crack seem appealing? i realize i am probably being totally naive about this, and perhaps making myself look like a ninny, but how could you see what crackheads lives look like and then decide that you'd like to try it? i sort of think the same thing about heroin, but i know our society glamourizes heroin addiction to a certain extent. there is no such glamourizing when it comes to crack, though, so what the fuck?

how thoroughly must we be letting down that entire segment of our society for that to seem okay? and how fucked must their lives be that dealing this disgusting, life-ruining drug that is eroding the black people's worlds, doesn't seem absolutely beyond consideration? how could any young person, who isn't already addicted to it, think that selling it to other people, is tolerable? (i guess the same rationale goes for any drug dealing. i feel like pot is pretty harmless, unless you feel like being dim and unmotivated is harmful. heroin and cocaine can be absolutely as destructive. guess i just don't see them taking such an obvious toll on so many people. maybe i'm wrong.)

maybe i am imagining a sense of group pride or loyalty that isn't there for black peops. i don't feel a whole lot of pride in what the white folks of the world have done, because it has nothing to do with me, though i do feel a heaping sense of shame at the shitty things we've done. slavery? shitty. colonialism? totally shitty. pointless and harmful "war on drugs" (which seems to just be a war on poor black people)? super shitty. i know it's hard to focus on bettering a bunch of strangers in other places when you can't afford to feed your kids.

which is why poverty seems to be the problem. yeah, black peops seem to be blessed with a disproportionate share of the poverty, but anyone who's poor is going to be so exausted from just trying to survive that they'll get into a 'kill or be killed' mentality. obviously there are exceptions to the rule, but it seems like a safe assertion to make.

you know what the fucking problem is, don't you? capitalism. capitalism, where there is little to no safety net to catch people when they fall, is the root of all evil. imagine what it would be like if there was a certain level, financially or socially, past which it was impossible to fall. if everyone had health benefits, free quality education and guaranteed retirement at a reasonable age, no one would have to have that terrible feeling of impending disaster, like they only have enough energy to take care of themselves, so fuck everyone else. i know that there are millions of people, all over the world, who have that feeling, like they are just barely keeping everything together, and at any second it could all fall apart and they'll end up destitute. there is this mystery in economics, called the low-wage puzzle, that wonders how people making so little money can possibly survive. this mystery is a daily reality for the majory of the world's population, but also for people in our own stars-and-stripes-swaddled country.

so, poverty and capitalism are the enemies. capitalism, combined with good old american rugged individualism, is where our retarded 'pull yourself up by your bootstraps' mentality comes from. like poor people deserve their poverty, because theyre not trying hard enough to NOT be poor. or, like rich people are rich because they work the hardest. good old hard working paris hilton, right? sure, some people got rich by working hard, but some people are poor despite working their lives away. like...oh..say..the entire mid-west and rural south and all urban centers across the country. you know what? if i had more money to give, and could be assured that my tax money wasn't going to fund our fucking military, i'd be more than happy to pay higher taxes for better social services. i would be happy to know that my tax money was helping out people who needed the help, and was there in case i needed the help one day. and i don't care that there are people who abuse the system. that's not a good enough reason to stop. those people suck for abusing the system and proving all the nay-saying jerks right, but i don't care.

how about we stop keeping score and start trying to spread some fuckin' love?

how about we stop killing the iraqis, who i am starting to think might not really want our help/interference anyway, and start chasing down some of these tax-evading motherfuckers who are hoarding away all the money in the world? i always think to myself about how much money companies make, but how no one seems to be getting any richer except the rich people. all the wealth in the entire world is going into, like, 1000 pockets, and the rest of the world, myself and you included, are left fighting over the table scraps. let's wrestle some of the tasty cuts from those greedy bastards and live it up!

let's tell all the richest people in the world that being that rich makes you a fucking asshole when there are so many poor people, and put a cap on how much personal wealth any person can amass. let's tell movie stars that making millions PER PICTURE is totally uncalled for, that millions PER YEAR is more than sufficient. if you're making 20 million per picture and not giving a few million away to charity, you're a soulless bastard.

what can one sad, confused, possibly misinformed middle class white girl do to cure the ills of the world? sometimes all the things that are wrong with the world can really break a person's heart...

Current mood: infuriated
Currently reading : The Drawing of the Three: The Dark Tower II

Sunday, January 2, 2005

vacation, all i ever wanted!

i have been totally M.I.A. these last few weeks, and it's been fan-fuckin-tastic! i have barely even turned my computer on. i really like not being in front of the computer. i have done lots of laundry, i went shopping at ikea, been totally domestic and lazy and cozy and read-y. i finished quicksilver, by neal stephenson (very long, entertaining, a smidgen too convoluted for attention-span, but rad, if you like mr. neal, and i do), the fifth book in the no.1 ladies detective agency series (fine, but not the best of those charming books), and now i am reading a book that is amazing and pretty sad. jonathan lethem is a fuckin' genius, people. plus, magazines and videos and even books on cd. i love vacations. i don't want to start school again. poop.

Currently reading : The Fortress of Solitude : A Novel - By JONATHAN LETHEM