agitation.

allen felt like mom was in pain a little bit ago, which set off a flurry of activity and worrying inside me.
he feels like he can ask her questions and she'll answer them, but i think that most of the time he's just projecting. i think those days are past.
so, we couldn't figure out if she was in pain or not. i don't want to start giving her morphine for no reason (because then i won't have any for myself - wockawocka) but obviously i don't want to let her just hang out, in pain but unable to express herself.
eventually we all agreed that it wasn't pain, so much as agitation.
in hospice, they say that people often get agitated before they die. they thrash around, or make discontented noises. they try to grab for things, to try to lurch out of bed. our nurse calls it 'getting away behavior,' like they're trying to jump out of bed and get away from death. which is might very well be.
we were given a plastic bag full of medications for mom, for different uses. phenobarbitol, lorazepam, acetominophen, morphine...the usual suspects. i couldn't find the one i wanted and thought it wasn't in there, so i called the nurse on call and had her paged.
then i lay down on the sofa and cried for a while.
mom isn't the only one experiencing some agitation, truth be told. i, too, am starting to exhibit some 'getting away behavior.'
i have been wanting to spend time by myself. i have been really lucky to have a lot of visitors lately, which is lovely, and i am also wanting more alone time. but when i am alone, i don't really know what i'm doing. i cry some, which helps, but then i'm done and the sadness is still there. i wrote in my art book some last night, which helped me get some stuff out of my head. i am missing having a god to ask for peace, or a universe to ask for help. now i just have to breathe through things feeling hard.
i want to call people, specific people, but then when i really think about it, i don't want to talk to them. i want to lie down, but i just lie there staring. i want to sit next to mom, but being around her when i am really emotional is hard and i try not to bring in my unpredictable energy.
allen is annoying me, but i think it's me and not him.
i am just agitated. maybe i need some ativan/lorazepam, too. i am not much for meds, honestly. i don't trust them.
any number of unhealthy avoidance urges have been floating across my mind - smoking, drinking, driving away forever, getting mad...but still i just stay here.
i am not feeling comfortable.
this is not a comfortable time.

someone posted a comment on my blog, that ended with the statement that everything happens for a reason.
i am not so sure about that.
when me and brian were going out, he said he didn't believe in destiny or anything because that was like saying it was good that his dad died when he did.
i have been thinking about that a lot now. people want to help and be comforting, and they feel like hinting at the big picture will be helpful.
i think that's getting it backwards.
i think things happen. period.
we can't get to where we are now without having passed through what happened before, but that doesn't mean that Now is the reason why Then happened.
that's like saying that God is looking down, checking the game plan, and regretfully sacrificing certain players for the good of the team, and that's bullshit.
i don't accept that mom HAS to die in order for my future to be bright.
mom is not a necessary sacrifice to the rosy future.
there is no Plan.
there is just what happens.
yes, the past prepares us for the future, if we're wise enough to let it.
but i don't accept the premise that the past happens so that the future can.
that doesn't feel right to me.

holly was saying that people tried to comfort her, during her mother's death, with 'it's going to be fine.'
she was saying how, no, actually it's not going to be fine.
cancer is not fine at all.
it fucking sucks.
*we* will be fine.
but the situation is not fine, nor will losing a loved one be 'fine.'

i know, i'm agitated.
i know that people say these things to offer comfort in whatever way they know.
i know it's coming from a place of love.
i accept it as such.

but i am done with 'everything happens for a reason.'
i am interested in 'things happen and we have the opportunity of learning lessons as they do.'

i would like to learn how to have faith in something aside from myself.
i lost my faith in external saving, but i have become a whole-hearted believer in myself, and my own ability to abide. the kira abides, as the film says.