Monday, April 30, 2007


i went on my whirlwind vacation to la this weekend.

driving away from stef's house, after dropping off the dog for the weekend, i felt, for the the first time since december, this feeling of freedom. i had a weekend where i could do whatever i wanted, and i didn't need to worry about anyone else, or take care of them.

then i fretted for a while about the dog, and her hating it at stef's maybe, and felt like a dick for going away and leaving her. but i went anyway, because i wanted to.

shannon's plans changed for work, so i ended up spending almost all of the weekend with lucy, with was AWESOME. we ate at gingergrass and had pinkberry and drove out to the ocean on sunset and get treated like crap at the american apparel on robertson and almost crippled ourselves in our new jellies, which i now have a more restrained passion for. they are not appropriate shoes for a 100 degree, walking-intensive day. lesson learned. i got some sleep and relaxed and finished my book, to which i say 'nyeh.' ('heir to the glimmering world' - by cynthia ozick. wiser people than me with find this book luminous, darkly magical, transporting, full of engaging characters and a wise narrator. i, on the other hand, being less wise, found it depressing, meadering, pointless, and full of characters whose fortunes i lost interest in long, long before the final page. i am not this woman's target audience, clearly. i will say, the cover and title are lovely, and it was beautifully written. i just didn't appreciate it. it made me feel stupid.) i hung out with shannon coworkers in the evenings, after they'd all get off work. i spotted a single celebrity (eva longoria - who i could not possibly care less about and who looked exactly like you imagine her to). i drove a funny little rental car. i saw new and familiar sights. i was reminded what my manfriend's face looked like in person, and had my love and like for him reaffirmed.

overall, very satisfying.

today i spent time with gina, which made me miss her and la much, much more. (i miss lucy all the time, and my missing of her is not linked to location.) 

and i return home to a mailbox stuffed with mom's medical bills that need dealing with, a precious furry dog who is hella stoked to see me, an uncertain future, suitcases to unpack, plants that are dying of thirst... it just never ends. the things that need doing, the things to nurture and renew never, never end, and while that is precious, and caring for things is precious and special, it is also kinda scary to me, and menacing. like, i'll never be free again now that i have consented to care for things and people. if i go away for a long vacation, dogs and plants must be tended. 

as i move closer to having kids, and attempt to wrap my brain around that, i am getting more afraid of losing my childish independence. it's funny that i am even worried about it because i am traditionally freaked out by over-broad horizons, and have used long-term relationships as a way to safely clip my own wings. but kids is the next level in some ways. 

i am not interested in getting locked into the idea that having kids automatically means giving up on the idea of having your own life. i think that's untrue, and i am certain that kids can feel that slow, seeping resentment that comes from that, a message that says clearly: my life would be awesome if you hadn't come along. or, you ruined everything.

i think that it's totally possible to do what you want with kids - move to europe, travel, have friends and careers, fulfill dreams. but i also have no idea how that would look, because i haven't known many people who did it. 

coming home to a house empty of other humans, after spending time with people i love, was pretty sad. having shannon gone has REALLY highlighted how much i prefer having people around. it's not an aversion to being alone, because i love spending time alone. i have no trouble facing myself and don't need to distract myself with other people or fun. i just really, really like having people alone. i am not a very happy solo-liver.

alright. a movie, then bed. unpacking can wait until tomorrow.

p.s. so far the new book i'm reading is fantastic.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

another grab bag.

-i think i'm an alcoholic. except, instead of alcohol, it's water. and instead of drinking to excess, i don't drink any. at all. it's lame.

i have been working a lot. my dad hired me for some editing work, and i was paid handsomely for it. partly because of the unimpeachable quality of my craftsmanship, and partly because he's my dad. also, i have been working my tail off at my new job. about my new job...

-i really like it. i'm working for a rad clothing line, that i would, and do, totally wear. i really like the female person (gal? too olde tyme-y. girl? she's an adult. chick? too forced-hip. woman? she's my age.) who designs it, and she is really appreciative of the work that i do. it's high stress and things are pretty intense, but she hasn't lost her shit and attacked me with her words yet, which is a good sign. my number one qualification for a boss these days is: don't take out your stress on me. i understand stress. i have no problem with you being stressed out. just don't be a jerk to me. and she's totally not at all a jerk. she's nice and normal and supportive and positive and i like her a lot. 

-also, i have been really enjoying work as something i choose to do, for myself. after roughly half a year of living my life for other people and creatures (shasta holla!), it's nice to have something that is *my* thing again, that i do. i leave the house and have a specific place to go, where i am challenged in a comfortably stretching way, and where i get to do a combination of the things i am best at: customer service, clerical work, creating office systems, working with clothes i love. having this job is a baby step toward getting back into school. which leads me to...

-i am really chewing on my nervousness about setting up a life i choose and having it ripped out of my hands again by my mom's health stuff. but i am also really chewing on being really unhappy with my life right now, and with these feelings of helplessness, like my life, where i had my hand on the wheel and chose a course, was stolen from me by circumstance. i am not someone to make decisions that are carved in stone. like, i am not going to make a decision that, because the loss of my LA life was so sad and hard and painful for me, i am not going to invest in my life, to protect myself from the possibility of future loss. i am not like that so much. however, i do find myself having to talk myself into believing that i'll be able to just be me at some point, a person who isn't defined by the string of bad luck and tough shit that's been tossed at me. i don't want to be a weird wounded person, who limps through their life. AND, i am gun-shy. or, disappointment-shy. or loss-shy. i'm skittish.

-i had an intense day yesterday, where i cried heartily at least twice, maybe three times. it was my mom's birthday and, through some crossed wires a poor communication, plans with my mom got all jacked up (by her) and i was disappointed to my bones over the loss. i had been REALLY invested in the idea of us spending that time together, and to have it all fall apart, because of her being weird and waffley, just pushed me over the edge. 

i have been talking with people (anyone who will sit still long enough to listen) about my on-going frustrations with my mom and her coping methods. we both have a tendency to pull back at times, when things get too intense emotionally or mentally, and, while i will wear my pajamas and read 5 books in 48 hours, mom has remained semi-crippled by this habit. i am so acutely aware of it that i am really quick to nip that behavior in the bud with myself, but it's really one of mom's top patterns when it comes to avoidance. because of the intensity of this situation, and the way it's really intense, for a long-ass time, she's had quite a while to dig into this constant state of fuzziness, where she's there, but not there. whatever, i don't want to go into it too much; she's doing the best she can with some fucked up stuff, but the point is that i was just pushed to a breaking point with it, and i ended up figuratively calling my mom out. 

i know this is all scary for her. i know. i am scared shitless. AND i show up everyday. i talk constantly about my emotions. i cry all the time. i think about everything and process my feelings. i have no idea what i am doing or what is happening to me or mom and i am mad and scared and sad and every other emotion that is uncomfortable to experience AND i deal with it anyway. in spite of my fears, i know, in my bones, in the bones of my soul (yes), that i choose the way i face my life. i choose to not let my fear stop me from feeling this scary, icky stuff. i choose to 'do my work' as we term it. i say, this is too important a time and situation to slink through with our usual disguises and habits. and, even though it is tempting ALL THE TIME to indulge myself in my bad habits, and i sometimes succumb to the temptation, i choose to not have that be the way i deal. i choose, consciously, while staring clear-eyed at the alternatives, to meet this bullshit-ass, shitty, terrifying, HARD life situation that i have figuratively, emotionally naked. 

and i know that she can choose this, too. i know she knows that she can choose this, and i know she knows all it takes is a single fraction of a fraction of a second to decide to live a different life. and i know this stuff because she taught it to me. 

so i said, in many more words and with many more tears and more snot and sniffling, to cut the crap and live. i asked her to be with me during this, to be my partner and to face this holding hands. i am tired of feeling like i am the only one going through this, and to be the only one digging deeply about it. i am tired of her being disengaged from me, and i am tired of her being disengaged from life. there will be plenty of time for me to experience difficult times alone once she's died of whatever it is that she eventually dies from, but she's here now and i need her.

it was hard. i was scared, and i said it all anyway. i said everything i needed to say, because i needed her to hear it. i obviously hope it helps and is a catalyst for a change that she feels she needs, but i mostly said what i did for me. because it just ripped its way out of me. and i feel better and more peaceful today than i have in weeks. despite getting only 4 hours of sleep and crying my guts out and being greeted this morning by the same challenging plate full of life stuff that i face every morning, i felt great today. 

-another thing i talk constantly about is losing my faith, and the huge gulf that its absence leaves in my tool kit of coping mechanisms. it's funny: my mom and dad are SO different, about almost everything. their energy and outlooks and lifestyles couldn't bemore different - to the point that it's weird to me that they could've found a common ground at some point. i talked to both of them about this loss of faith, mom yesterday before i unleashed the tempest of my emotions on her, and my dad this morning, after i asked him to stop trying to fix my problems and just listen to me and comfort me. and their advice was almost identical - to the word: angels are waiting for you, at every minute, and all you have to do is ask for help. you have to ask for it, though. on some level i know this, but i am still so mad at god or the universe or whoever, i feel like i am not ready to make up. and both of them said: that's okay. god/the universe/spirit can handle you being mad at it. 

-they also gave me almost the same advice about the on-going 'when do we have kids?' quandry. both said: make sure you tell the baby spirits that are hovering so closely to you, and basically knocking firmly and insistently on your reproductive system, that you need some more time. both of these suggestions (about god and about the baby spirits) brings up this next issue...

-i am a terrible prayer and meditator. i am so firmly placed in my head than ever my faith is in my head. my praying is like a monologue, a one-sided, stilted, totally unbelievable speech, completely lacking conviction. how the shit do you learn to pray for reals, and not with your head? should i try smoking doobage, so i am not so self-conscious?

-i am getting excited about my weekend vacation to la. i was afraid to mention it and jinx it, but it's totes happening, and i am looking forward to it. it's the first time i've left home, with no one to take care of or think about, since december's fireworks. 

-i bought these cute shoes today and i don't want to take them off. they're jellies and are all gummy and soft and comfy inside and they look like genie shoes or something. LOVING them. seriously. i can't stop thinking about them.

-okay, i should get some work done. i have a project to do at home tonight that needs to be to the east coast showroom in the morning.