trying.

i'm spending the majority of my time in RV with my mom now.

last week it seemed like she was slipping away so fast, it would be a matter of weeks until she died, but she's leveled off. it feels weird being disappointed that she's not dying faster.

i think it's because, in a lot of ways, she's already gone to me, and having her here, being less and less her everyday, makes the loss more acute. while it's good to have time to complete, and not be left with things unsaid, it's also a fallacy that you can ever say EVERYTHING you wanted to say, and there's something easy about the sudden death. then you don't have to linger with the dying. it's just alive-to-dead. this period is so uncomfortable that i am having a hard time relaxing into being here, giving up the resistance, and i find myself anxious to get onto the next stage.

this whole dying thing is fucking terrible. well, terribly hard.

mom fell last evening.

one minute she was vegged out on the couch, the next minute she was staggering past me, at alarming speed, and falling. she feel right next to this concrete topped coffee table, with sharp edges. she could have cracked her head open like a fucking egg. she couldn't really explain what she was doing. something about the rolling stone magazine. it was very terrifying. (heh.)

her eyes are doing weird stuff - like, pointing in different directions. her vision is whacked and that's making her balance bad.

they delivered a wheelchair for us day before yesterday.

all this stuff - it's just happening, and it feels so unreal and unfair, but it's just the way it is.

lu and shannon both said yesterday, it's like i saved up all the tough times of my life to this point for right now. (it's true. i've had an almost embarrassingly easy, pain-free life to this point.) i've had little sprints of sadness, but this has been/is an endurance test of sadness and hardness.

i had a really hard day yesterday. i am jealous of my loved ones who can come visit, but then go back to other things. as i am spending my days with my slowly-dying mother, they are off riding bikes, kissing people, going to jobs, planning for the future. and all i have is this. i wish i had somewhere else i could go, leaving this behind for someone else to take care of. i do have allen/jerr-bear. he takes care of stuff when i am not here. but that's a huge weight to just thunk down on him. even for two people, this is a tremendous weight.

i had a hard day yesterday. mom's power of attorney paperwork was notarized incorrectly, by one of mom's good friends, and because of that the bank won't let me access any of mom's money. i threw a little tempter tantrum in the bank yesterday. again, i can't help but ask god/the universe/whatever - really? i get to deal with *this*, too?

lu and her mom came to visit, and that was perfection. they both have really nice, calming energy. lu's mom gave us some jorei, which i desperately needed. just sitting down, outside on the porch, hearing the bird and squirrel symphony, having someone focus positive, healing energy at me, was special. mom got some, too. lu and i went on an awesome walk, while her mom napped, and i cried some, and laughed some. again, while i am experiencing this, birds are hatching, blackberries are ripening, goats are doing goat things - the world isn't stopping or slowing for the imminent loss of my mother, though mine surely is.

here are somethings i did, just for me, this week. i am not great at taking time away, or doing things to make myself happy, but here are a few of them:
- i bought this jacket. for once, it looks way cuter on me that it does on the model.
-i bought some tennies at ross. they're light grey (my fave!) with sky blue swooshes. they cost $25. little t knows what she's about - ross is pretty amazing.
- i went on a lovely LONG walk with lu. well, long for me. i used to walk everywhere, no matter what the weather, but driving has put an end to that. i'd like to walk places more. i used to really like it. we saw a llama and ate blackberries.
-i took myself to see the bourne ultimatum. unsurprisingly, it was not amazing. some good fight scenes, but the whole movie is just a 2 hour chase scene, which gets old fast. i ate some stale popcorn and some gummi bears, and drank a bucket of root beer.
- i bought some new sheets and pillows for my bed in the yoga studio. i am trying to make it feel more homey. it's tough, since it's full of spiders and mice, but i'm trying. i am deeply thankful to have a place to retreat to at the end of the day, that's my space.

in other news, i got treed by a bobcat the other night. well, not treed. but almost eaten, i think. well, i'm not sure it was a bobcat. in theory it could have been a big angry raccoon, but i don't think so. i stayed up late doing laundry, and, at 2:30am, when my laundry was done, i headed out into the porch with my basket. i was stopped after a single step by a deep rumbling growl, and the sound of bushes moving around. i froze. i stamped my foot down on the deck, to try to scare it away, but it skittered closer to me, so the growling was now coming from directly underneath me, under the deck. okay, if it fits under the deck, it's not a bear. in its rage at me, over the stamping and the intruding in its nighttime prowling, it hissed at me, then went back to growling balefully. i had visions of it darting out at my leg when i stepped off the porch, and it taking me down like i was a gazelle. (i am perhaps flattering myself in imagining myself as a gazelle. perhaps more like a caribou. or a wildebeast.) i then imagined how allen would deal with that, with me being disemboweled by a puma/bobcat, and mom not able to stay by herself. that would be a lot of trouble for allen. also, i didn't relish the mauling scenario in general, so i slunk back into the house and slept on the sofa for a few hours, until it got light out. that bobcat kept up its growling for easily 45 minutes after the lights went out, and i was tucked away. apparently i was very threatening to it.

hey, what form do you think your patronus would take?