these days.

you know what makes a person really, really tired?
hanging out with their mom, who's dying.
her visit to marin, staying with me, has been tiring and so scary and anxious making, but also really lovely and peaceful.
if you want to come visit my mom, the best visits are when people just come and want to hold her hand, or rub her back. she doesn't have tons to say, or jokes to make, but she fucking loves to get her cuddle/hand-hold on. it's awesome.
i worry about her, no matter what she's doing. she's sleeping? i am worried that maybe she's sleeping to much. she's eating? i am worried that she's not eating enough. she's sitting, with visitors? i'm worried that she's overwhelmed, and might be tired, and maybe she feels confused, and afraid.
it's exhausting to be so worried all the time.
she'll spend hours at a time on the toilet, if i let her. she's not really sleeping, and she's obviously not peeing. she's just...kicking it. zoning out. it takes easily 15 minutes of repeated cajoling to get her out of there usually. she's so pleasant, all the time, about it, but if you encourage her to finish up, she'll forget and just keep sitting there.
i am worried for the time when she can't go to the bathroom by herself.
i think she might already be getting to not showering alone.
her balance is not great.
i'm looking forward to having hospice take over.
these decisions, and the fears about her well-being, feel like too much for a layman to manage alone.
when i was managing everything for her first surgery, i kept thinking, 'i am not at all qualified to make this kind of decision.' but there was no one else to make the decision, and i just had to get over it and make the decision anyway. almost immediately i got over the embarrassment about asking for things, or telling people what i needed. i'd go wandering down the hospital halls, at 4am, opening random doors, trying to find the room they kept the heated blankets in. i acted like i owned the joint. i kept pushing until they gave in, from exasperation, to make them let me spend the night with mom in ICU. i wasn't 'qualified' to ask for these things, but i did it anyway.
so, i keep thinking that same thing now. i need someone else to do this for me. i need someone else to tell me the right answer.
but then i make the best decision i can anyway. right or wrong, i am doing the best i can, and i am proud of the job i've done already in taking care of my mom.
okay, time to harass mom off the toilet again, and get our shapely fannies into bed.
people who have already earned their weight in gold as supports:
-tab - for always being exactly what i need her to be
-holly - for showing up, after years apart, and letting me cry on her
-lucy - for making me laugh when i was feeling like i was going to die from crying
-my uncle keith and aunt ginny - for holding down the fort, no matter what
-daddy and linda - for holding the space for family
-everyone who has emailed and called - for making sure i knew that i was supported