very bad.

i got a voicemail from mom's b/f, jerr-bear.
he doesn't ever call for good reasons.
heart audibly pounding in my chest, i called them back.
mom answered with a chipper, "good morning!"
i had to tell her it wasn't morning, it was 9:30pm.
she was affably befuddled.
i asked to talk to jerr-bear.
he told me that the situation is becoming too much for him to handle. mom didn't get out of bed all day, thinks it's morning, hasn't eaten.
also, he is running out of money and needs more.
(mom owes him $20k for work he did fixing up the house they sold and for fixing up the new house. she's been giving it to him in chunks.)
he feels like all he needs is $5K for the rest of the year, which is amazing to me. very few people in america could estimate their cost of living for 6 months at $5K.
it's his money, so obviously i'll get it to him.
he is really upset about not getting more furniture refinishing jobs this year. he made a lot of money (for him) last year doing his work working, but this year he hasn't gotten more than a couple teeny nibbles on the line. because he's him, he drifts into wondering if "someone" is rerouting his calls to a competitor, to "mess" with him. i think he realizes that that's not likely, but not always.
i was momentarily tempted to suggest he get a real job, in the real world, but the temptation passed. he is basically mom's primary caretaker at this point, and the last thing we need is him gone for hours and hours and hours at a time.
i hate that so much of this is falling on him. he must miss her so much. no one really understands him, and everyone thinks he's varying degrees of delusional, exasperating, rude, annoying, weird...but mom thinks he's precious, hilarious, gentle, kind. she sees the real him. i wonder if he even knows those parts exist without her. i can't imagine having no one to talk to about this. i miss mom with every breath i take, and wish i could call her to tell her how hard this is and have her tell me that it's okay, and i have a blessedly huge circle of support around me. i just can't imagine how alone he must feel.
so, now i have to figure out what to do.
does she need some sort of nurse, or a nursing home? the american brain tumor association (whose website i've never explored and am now wishing i had) suggests adult day care centers, which sounds so fucking demeaning. my mom might die of embarrassment if she ever comes out of this.
i have waited too long to get this stuff dealt with, and i am feeling ashamed.
you guys, i'm so mad at her.
i yelled at her on the phone and she's fucking brain damaged.
i have no idea what i'm doing and i'm terrified.
i don't feel like i can handle this.
and i have to.
i have no fucking choice.
so tomorrow i call the nurses at ucsf, who support mom's neuro-oncologist, and ask they what the fuck i'm supposed to do.
is she even inside there anymore?
i had given her and allen assignments when i left on friday.
mom was supposed to do two things to contribute to the house. any little thing was fine, but it had to be two things. allen has been waiting on her hand and foot and he's burnt and needs some help. she felt like that was do-able.
allen's assignment was to get her outside once a day, to move around.
he said tonight that the assignments are a joke and she won't do it. she wouldn't get out of bed all day.
so, tonight i modified her assignment.
her new assignment is to get out of bed everyday by 10am (i would have liked to do 8am, but i am a lenient and loving daughter who understands baby-steps.) and to put on normal clothes. no more laying around in bed all day in her pajamas.
she doesn't need to go anywhere or do anything, but she needs to get out of bed and get dressed.
who the fuck am i kidding?
i have no idea if that's even going to help.
for all i know, this is textbook behavior and i am being a fucking asshole by making her do stuff she doesn't want to do.
but i feel like that's the thing, is her not wanting to.
where's the cut off line that separates self-indulgence from self-care?
mom had a pre-cancer tendency to be pretty damn self-indulgent, so it's hard to get that this is all her brain being messed up. i think part of it is depression over her cancer, which she hasn't ever addressed, and she's self-medicating through sleep.
or maybe she's exhausted because of her chemo and radiation...
she never had any serious side effects from either, so i am just at a loss. is this just very late side effects?
i'm so far out of my depth on this.
other issues that are still rattling around:
1) our lawyer informed me that mom's will was never finished, which was news to me. that's horrifying.
2) what if mom is a vegetable-type from now on? how will we deal with her house? it's a wretched time to try selling.
3) is it possible that we'll end up spending all of mom's money on care for her after all?
4) will allen stay?
5) how much of this can i handle, really? could i handle 3 nights a week up there or would that gut me? but it might need to happen, maybe.