empty.

i felt really, really blue last night.

i think it was the combination of stuff sucking ass with mom and that being an overwhelming energy drain, and then watching little mykkie for 10 hours, which was also an overwhelming energy drain.

man, you know what takes it out of a person?
watching a tiny person who is 1.25 years old.
he was very, very well-behaved for us.

he was super fussy as a small baby, and even recently, he's been slow to warm with strangers, but he's a little butterbean with me and the man.

he took a little nap on our bed (after some masterful coaxing and soothing and trickery from me), shared lunch with us (chicken satay, cucumber salad, cheerios), and generally cruised around touching everything and trying to fall on his head. he doesn't know anything about watching where he's stepping, being careful about hitting himself in the face or head with things, gentle vs. rough, loud vs. quiet. what he knows about is being so cute that it hurts one's tummy and being a cuddlebug.

between the emotional hurdles of helping my mom and the energetic hurdles of watching that baby, i was tired to the point of near meltdown. when i panfully pinched my finger with the bottle opener, trying to open my cider, i started crying.

i just thought, 'really, god? really? i deserve *this,* on top of everything else? what the fuck?' and then i cried because sometimes i feel like god is mean, or confident in my coping abilities to the point of being an over-delegator. i can't be expected to manage EVERYTHING, god/universe. please remember i'd also like to enjoy my life, not just win the sympathy and admiration of friends and strangers alike for my plucky sticktoitiveness.

i went to bed pretty early, convinced that basically everything was screwed.

i woke up this morning feeling an eens-weens bit better, but still a bit down.

i moped around the county until i finally got off my keister and went to the gym. i have spent my entire life not wanting to exercise, and only within 2007 - year when everything fell apart - have i really understood why people like exercising so much. i think it takes a while to get over the hump with working out, feeling uncomfortable, fat, out of shape, etc, and into the zone where just being there makes you feel proud of yourself and better for some reason. i always feel thinner the day after i gym, and more healthy and optimistic. i get it now; i get why people would want to go to the gym after a long day at work. and i'm relieved i finally get it, because i was pretty worried about being overweight later on and bitching about it all the time. i'm learning good, healthy habits now, that will help me in the future and help my kids be healthier and happier, too. i just always felt so left out by the physical activity thing, but now i'm in with the in crowd.

the man and i drove to the 'luma to check out future home at night, and see how loud the nabe is after dark. there is some freeway noise, since we're on a hill, but it was totally within the range of noise levels that are acceptable to me. i think man-head agrees.

on a different note, should i make up code names for everyone, so that when i become famous for my blogging (insightful, inspirational, hilarious - something for everyone, really), my adoring fans aren't mobbing me and my nearest and dearest? am i being silly to even think that? i am just thinking about stalkers or weirdos. maybe i should be more careful about the personal details and stuff.

what do you think? is using nicknames pretentious and self-important, or is it wise, to protect me and my peops from prying?