not easy.

i'm spending the night at my mom's tonight.

i've been meaning to come up here for the last...um...3 months-ish, and have been avoiding it.

it's just so much harder to spend time with her now, with her new brain. i don't really enjoy our time together, and i spend the whole time correcting her, enlightening her, scolding her, motivating her, etc. her brain makes weird leaps now, where strange things seem real to her. that's especially upsetting, given how borderline delusional her boyfriend is at times. we've always relied on her to be the normal one, and now she's thinking weird things, too.

i guess she spends long periods of time just sitting. not really looking at anything, or doing anything aside from...sitting. just sitting. i told her i find that scary - what the fuck is she doing when she sits there? she said it freaks allen out, too. no doubt it does. i asked her what she's thinking about, and she said her mind just wanders. she says it's pretty pleasant, actually. i also didn't enjoy hearing that. hey, mom, how about you spend less time enjoying your slack-jawed staring, and a bit more time actually living in the world?

on a related side note, people feel the need to play devil's advocate with me about my mom. obviously i'm having hard time with this, and feeling some frustration with my mom, and it seems to make people really uncomfortable for me to complain about her. i thought i'd address this right now, in case anyone feels compelled to do this:

my mom has always been one of my closest confidantes, to the point of concerning my dad at times. we've always been very, very good friends, as well as mother and daughter. i've always been able to talk about anything with her, and i've relied on her to fill a specific niche in my life.

now, my mom's a completely different person. she's still really funny, and thinks things are funny. she still enjoys things that light up, flash, glow in the dark, or are prismatic and shiny. she's her, but not her. she's confused, unmotivated, disorganized, uncommunicative and generally loafy. yes, i realize having cancer is probably very difficult and scary for her. agreed. you know who else her cancer is difficult and scary for? me.

and i'm really bearing the brunt of the cancer-related details, about treatment, finances, the future, and everything else. she just isn't handling that stuff.

she's my mother, and she has been an exceptional mother, and i love her and it's my privilege and duty to fill this role for her - AND it's not easy, and i think it's natural that some times are harder than others.

i have found that our roles have completely switched, and much sooner than i'd expected. i remember her talking about going to her dad's house before they put him in the nursing home, and her telling these horror stories about the years' worth of old national geographic, piled in waist high stack along the walls. my mom's house is getting close to this. so, i am left feeling, again, like she's my grandmother, and not my mom, because i don't think about my mom as being this addled pack rat, wearing pajamas all day long. nnow, i'm the frustrated mother and she's the kid, just finding her way. or, i'm the exasperated middle-aged child to her deteriorating elderly parent. again, i assumed this would happen at some point, but i imagined more time with her being Her.

i miss having the mom i knew. i miss her caring about what was going on with me without being reminded to. i miss her sharing wisdom during times of trouble. i miss her kicking my ass, and i miss having her to lean on. i just miss the mom that i was close to. i have really been clutching to the doctors having told us that this would pass, and i am tired of waiting, and i want her back - at least some.

so, i think it's pretty normal for me to be mad. it's normal for me to be sad, and to be grieving the loss of my old relationship with her. i don't think it's unhealthy for me to gripe a little bit about my circumstances. i don't need to be reminded that it's hard for her, or offered perspective about reasons why she is the way she is now. i already know. usually, i just want to vent. sometimes i need to vent the anger, so i can get down to the sadness underneath.

back to being up here.

i spent the first 30 mins up here wandering around the property with her. then we had a conversation about her treatment, in which it became clear that, despite our numerous conversations about her treatment options, and the long talk we had yesterday about it, she was confused about which treatment options we were pursuing. that's fucking scary. i had to explain ALL the options over again, and explain why we had chosen the one we did, TOGETHER, yesterday. luckily she trusts me and my memory, or we'd be in for some problems.

then i had a conversation with her about getting off her ass to do physical therapy. she has gained a lot of weight since all this started (roughly last november) and she has nothing but mean things to say about herself, but she's not doing anything about it. she's not as stable on her feet as she was pre-surgery, so we thought it would be good to get her in with someone who could help with building her strength slowly, focusing on her wimpy left side. then she could get back to a point where she could go for walks by herself, or go to gentle yoga classes and stuff. we had a conversation about that a few month ago and nothing has happened with it, so i am making it happen.

we also talked about doing some occupational therapy, to help with her cognitive smooshiness. i am not comfortable with the hours spent staring at her hands, thinking. i am not comfortable with the fog she lives in. i know it's from the major trauma her brain experienced in a short period of time (2 brain surgeries in 20 days + radiation = whoa), and it's totally understandable, and i think we could probably doing more to encourage her brain to start fixing itself. she's interested, so i am working on that, too.

then i gave her another 'what the fuck are you doing with you life? how about you get out of your pajamas and live? it's not time for you to be acting like a 90 year old yet, so let's not get ahead of ourselves.' talk. she smells like an old person now. she moves and talks and thinks like an old person, and it's totally unnecessary. again, i told her that if she wants to go gently into that good night then i'll accept that, but not unless she chooses it. otherwise, i'm going to drag her out and make her get off her duff.

i'll be up here a few nights a week from now on, so i'll be in a good position to harass her into doing things she would otherwise let slide.

i cleared off the catalogs and charity requests for donations on the kitchen table, filling one paper shopping bag. i left a weensy little stack of stuff for her to check out (which, if left to her devices, she will never check out).

then i hit her office. it's not as bad as i thought it would be, which is a very pleasant surprise. i spent another chunk of time digging through those piles. again, filled a paper shopping bag with requests for donations and catalogs and other bullshit. now the piles are manageable sizes.

i am going to pay off her credit cards this week. we'll take one of them out of commission and save it for emergencies, and then we'll call and get the credit limit lowered for the remaining one. there is no earthly reason for her to have a $7000 credit limit on her cards. she's on a fixed income, for crying out loud. she shouldn't be catalog shopping, or buying random shit online. then, we'll get her set up with a bill paying service, so she doesn't let things get out of control. i found a few overdue bills hiding in the piles, but she says she's up to date now. i would feel much better if she wasn't doing it herself anymore.

so, it's with a sense of relief that my mom and allen have welcomed The Warden back into their home. no pile will go unexamined, no bill unpaid, no counter uncleaned.

i am exhausted, sad, scared...pretty much all the unpleasant emotions are there. but also, i am glad i am able to do this. i am very thankful she's not resistant to my meddling.

next time, i'm bringing my recorder up, and i'm going to start interviewing her about her life and recording it. i firmly believe that everyone has an interesting life story, but i'd be willing to bet that most people will agree that my mom has lived a remarkably interesting life. i would love to have a record of her thoughts about her life, and, if she doesn't live to play a big role in the life/lives of my kid/s, i'd like to have some way for them to get to know her.

in fun, superficial news, i bought a sweet-ass hat.
with my gorgeous new hair color (thanks lauren!) all the magazines say i am supposed to wear a hat if i am in the sun for very long, so my hair doesn't turn "brassy."

i almost bought some stuff i don't really need right now at sephora, but i came to my senses.

the pest inspection on the house was today, and shannon brought my dad with him to it. shannon is kinda 'whatevs' about having brought my dad, but i thought it was awesome and i was really moved that they had done it together, without me. shannon said my dad really liked the house, and agreed that it was the perfect starter house, with nothing major in need of repair and a simple construction so shannon can so most things himself. the pest inspection was like the home inspection - plenty of things that can be done, but no fires that need to be put out.

we'll have an interesting time trying to cram all our worldly possessions into a smaller sized place. here are some pictures of it. also, some pictures of my new blonder hair! it sorta looks like i have the same haircut as victoria beckham in one of them, but it's really back in a ponytail. don't worry.