zzzzzzzz....

Current mood: hopeful

the last few days, actually, the last week or so, has been like an endurance test.
i like my 8 hours of sleep and i have been averaging about 6 hrs, for the last 10 days.
last night/this morning was the first time i have been able to sleep as long as i wanted, and just wake up when i naturally wake up.

i was fucking heaven.

there is one last truck-load of stuff to take up to my mom's new place, which will be done on tuesday, and then the family house will no longer be ours. it's going to be fucking weird to have my mom 2 hours away all the time. i'm finally getting sad about it. this entire moving experience has been so exhausting. perhaps i should have packed a smidgen more before the weekend of the move. packing until 2am and then waking up for work at 630am has sucked. packing the truck at 9am, then throwing a party til 3am, than waking up again at 7am to pack cars with plants and then unload them at my mom's new house in ukiah...that sucked, too.



today i have nothing planned. i might go get tea in the afternoon with ariana, but only if we feel like it. again, this is the first day where i am doing NOTHING. awesome. my fucking room is so repulsive to look at... i think shannon is going to break up with my if i leave my side of the room like this much longer. i have this archipelago of bags (work bag, gym bag, purse, schoolbag) that are all packed with the things that i use them for, but there's really no easy or graceful way to have a mountain of bags on the floor, and we don't have anywhere i can stash them, out of sight. also, i got a garbage bag full of samples from work, so i need to mend the little tears in them (which is how they mark them as samples) and then figure out where i am going to store them, since my clothing storage devices are all completely stuffed. how can i spend so much money on clothes and still feel like i have nothing to wear?

i went over to b's family's party for his graduation/him getting into berkeley. we missed most of the tasty ass food (b is a HELLA tasty cook), but we ate some cold pork loin that was a yumfest. b's g/f was being a little weird to me, but i am hoping it was just me being exhausted and emotional. maybe i'll ask b about it. i hope there's not tension there about me still coming to family functions and stuff. it's probably just something totally unrelated to me. i am working hard on remembering that not everything that is said and done is a comment or reference to my presence or behavior.

now i am going to get coffee with shannon. it's very warm today! like, skirts and flip-flops! yay!

Currently listening :
Mic City Sons
By Heatmiser
Release date: By 29 October, 1996

death by boredom.

Current mood: bouncy

working at restoration hardware sucks. i can't even stand 5 hours here.

being a chick is silly.

Current mood: mellow

i got dressed up last night to go out for a friend's birthday in the city.
she's in a sketch comedy troupe (killing my lobster - funny!) and they performed at a comedy night at a.c.t., along with a few stand up comedians. the last comedian fucking sucked and i would have pelted him with trash if i could have. he seemed like a total ass-face. he looked vaguely familiar to me, and it turned out it was because he used to work on the morning show on channel 2 (whatever the local fox affiliate it.) he felt like that made him a celebrity, but he was mistaken. i couldn't care less about him.

(p.s. it's buggative when people say that they 'could care less' because, like misusing the word 'literally', when you use it wrong, you're actually saying exactly the opposite of what you're intending. david cross has a funny thingie about 'literally' and it's misuse. funny! anyway.)

we then went to some shitty bar up the street from the theatre. the bar was so fucking lame. so much so. the drinks were lame, the people were even lamer and there was a shitty blues-hammer-esque bar band that made me sad. also making me sad were a very drunk couple who slow danced/lambada-ed to most of the songs, and attempted to eat each other's faces and remove each other's clothing. it was heinous and depressing.

being a girl is so weird. i mean, i got dressed up, specifically to look 'hot' but i have a boyfriend who wasn't with me, so i am not on the hunt, so to speak. so, who the fuck am i dressing hot for? all the guys who i have no interest in humping? why bother? why don't i just wear my pajamas, then?

i accidentally made eye contact with some guy. filled with dread, i desperately looked to both sides of me to see if i could quickly join a conversation, but i wasn't fast enough and everyone was leaning away from me. basically, i was like a lamb to the slaughter. he zeroed in on me, circling, and then swooped. it was a bummer.

i am very careful to be friendly and polite, but i am not down with the pointless chatting with random bar guys.

i chatted with him for a few seconds and then, very politely and not-at-all snottily, i told him that i have a boyfriend and i am not really interested. i informed him that he was welcome to walk away, rather than invest time in something that won't bear dividends. being a bar guy takes some time and some energy investment, and i would think that it would be nice to be able to go try with someone else, rather than take time to 'get some' from me, when i know it's not going to happen.

so, whatever, i told him, in a non-jerky way. (seriously, i know that i can be.... caustic... from time to time, and i have been a total twat to hapless bar guys in past lives, but i was really nice and not laughy or teasey.) and, as sometimes happens with this approach, the guy, for some reason, feels like he can't admit that he was just coming over to hit on you, so he pretends that he just wants to chat. um... duh.

do i look retarded? because that is the stupidest, least truthful thing i have ever heard. yeah, because we're going to become good friends, weird bar guy, and you and me and my boyfriend are all going to hang out, right? yeah, no. dude, just walk away.

but no. 'oh, in my country, we don't just talk to people because we want to sleep with them. if we see someone in a pub who looks interesting we'll just talk to them.' (oh, he was from england.) anyway, again, i smell a rat, bar guy. i was under the impression that hitting on girls who dropped their 'don't talk to me' cloaking devices was pretty universal. maybe it's just an american thing... yeah, no.

i just wanted to push him away. dude, leave me alone. i don't care about you. i am sure you have lovely things in yourself, and some person will be very glad to find you, both as a friend and a boyfriend, but i am not that person. i don't really give a shit. please leave me alone.

so, he waited what he felt was an acceptable length of time to not look like a sleazy bar guy jerk, which he was anyway, and then slunk away. finally.

i know being a guy is tough, and being expected to 'cold call' chicks all the time must be really scary and annoying and tiring. i understand that.

being a girl is weird and tough, too, though. i mean, was i asking for it dressed like that? i think straight people need a rocker rag/bandana code language like our gay friends.

pink ribbon in my hair means i have a boyfriend and am just along for the ride.
blue ribbon means i'm a cheating-ass bitch, so bring it on.
white ribbon means i'm single and i like kittens.
yellow ribbon means i want you to pee on me.
or something. just some ideas.

that would make things so much easier for everyone involved.

Currently listening :
Arular
By M.I.A.
Release date: By 22 March, 2005

Positivity.

Current mood: grumpy

these are some reasons why everything is cool.
1) tonight is margarita night. my godbrother might come out with us.
2) i am getting a massage at 6:30pm.
3) i went to the gym today for the first time in a week and it felt awesome.
4) it's kinda warm today, and, even though i am trapped in hell/work, i will get out early enough to enjoy the warmth.
5) i finished college of marin before i turned 30. seriously, i was worried for a while.
6) music is the best. driving and listening to my ipod is perfection. the driving and listening to music was what i always imagined when i imagined what was cool about driving, and it is totally proving to be as exciting as i had imagined. that and havign aplace to stash my crap that i want to bring from the house with me, but don't necessarily want to carry in my arms, like a towel for the gym or something.

on a different note, who organizes high school reunions? i mean, how will they know if i move away?

Currently listening :
Stay What You Are
By Saves the Day
Release date: By 10 July, 2001

home stretch.

Current mood: working

so, yesterday was my last full day as a student of college of marin.
tomorrow i drop off my statistics project (which i haven't really done yet) and then i'll be done. well, i have to go to a student senate meeting next monday and commencement on friday, but those aren't classes.
so, yeah.
i cried a little bit yesterday. sad to go, glad to go, you know? (ew. rhymey.)
also, the new weezer album is pretty gross and the new beck album is pretty tasty. i think. ***NOTE FROM THE FUTURE: THE NEW BECK ALBUM WAS NOT TASTY.***

Currently listening :
Guero
By Beck
Release date: By 29 March, 2005

in case anyone wanted to know.

Current mood: calm

this will be my schedule for tomorrow.

6:00am - wake up
6:15am - drink breakfast shake
6:30am - leave for gym
7:00-8:30isham - gym it up
8:45 - 10isham - get dressed for school, pack school bags, gather visuals for presentation
10:15am - drive to school and look endlessly for parking
11am - meet with alice, my astronomy teacher, about the crazy lady in my astronomy group and attempt some damage control on whatever nonsense the crazy lady has told alice.
12:00pm - take LAST stat test and kick its sorry ass
1:15-3:00 - eat lunch, kick it, whatev'.
3:00-5:00pm - student senate meeting
5:00-6:30pm - whatev'
6:30pm - meet astronomy group in library for quick pre-class huddle, blow their minds with my kick-ass visuals that i have prepared for us (hello, glitterglue stick!)
7:00-10:00pm - give presentation that kicks ass, watch a lot of fucking retarded presentation, hate most of class except my group, avoid crazy lady's weird crazy mind rays
10:00pm - leave astronomy for the LAST time and never fucking look back.

ohmygod.

Current mood: annoyed

this is the email correspondence that has taken place within the last several days between me and my astronomy group, and, specifically, that crazy woman. there had been nothing but drama. please read it and comment. am i being a big jerk and not even realizing it? or, just comment on what a fucking nut she is.

hey helen!
here's the draft. i emailed david to see if he could answer some
planetary questions for me, and i still need to name it.
did the guy at your work get the drawings done? i want to make sure
that it gets done, and if i need to do it, i need some time.
thanks!
xoxok

"The creature, XXXXX, is the only known organism to live on the environmentally hostile planet of Venus. Through evolutionary ingenuity, a life-form has evolved that is perfectly suited to Venus and its rigors.

XXXXX has a long, rippling, ribbon-like body structure to facilitate movement in the lower atmosphere of the planet. Viewed from above, below or straight on, the is almost invisible, having almost no thickness to speak of. Only when viewed from the side can it be somewhat easily observed. From the side, one can observe the remarkable adaptations that are all in place, like it’s downward-facing gill-like breathing slits. With small recessed eyes and a large mouth filled with a baleen-like filtration form, the is not an attractive or cute creature by our standards. To protect itself from the high sulfuric acid content of the atmosphere, the has evolved a rubbery, leather-like skin, like a cross between rhinoceros and an eel, and a pronounced overhanging brow-protector, that acts as a “visor”, to direct the sulfuric acid rain it encounters over its face and down. Its lack of width also helps to protect it from that rain. The lives in the lower atmosphere of the planet, above the scorching temperatures of the surface, but below the upper cloud cover that rockets around the planet at a sped faster than the planet itself rotates.

XXXXX survives through a newly discovered process, called chemosynthesis. Similar in theory to the process used by the tiny organisms that inhabit deep sea vents, and, for now identically-named, the XXXXX is able to metabolize inorganic elements to create carbohydrates, and thus fuel itself. Also like many deep sea fishes, the tiny XXXXX has evolved specifically to survive the intense atmospheric pressure of Venus. With an air pressure of 90 atmospheres, the XXXXX survives in an atmosphere similar to that of deep sea fishes, aside from the acid and intense heat!

As the only organism on the planet, the has XXXXX no predators and are presumed to be solitary creatures. Very few specimens have been observed, and those mostly from afar, in grainy video sent from space crafts, however it has been proposed that the uses hermaphroditic reproduction. It impregnates itself and, after an unknown gestation period, gives birth to a live litter of hundreds of miniscule XXXXX. Because of the harshness of the environment and the lack of shelter, the vast majority of the baby XXXXXs perish before reaching maturity, but due to their reproductive abilities, which don’t require them to ever meet another creature like them their entire life cycle, the few that survive can live out their short lives in relative peace and freedom."

-kira
**************

This is from Helen, the crazy chick.

Kira,

Here is the text as well as the sketch of the creature. I haven't had a chance to integrate the photos and sketches into the body of the report yet. It takes a while to scale that stuff. I'll probably get that done tomorrow or Friday and will email it. I have a photo of the Venera 11 spacecraft with a couple of scientists examining it. I also made photos of a piece of glass that I have that looks like a windscreen. I put some fabric glue in a few places with some bits of thread to look like the splats. Turned out pretty good.

I also made a crude model out of vellum and red making tape eyes that we can attach to the poster board. The only problem is that it is very difficult to do a transparent model that looks good. Can we make it a color? That way I won't have to worry about the scotch tape and stuff.

Report text so far......

"Theoretical Life Forms presented by Kira Fisher, astrobiologist

Although life has not been observed directly, scientists have speculated that life forms are living within the thick atmosphere on Venus. This theory is based on previously unreleased evidence from the failed Russian probe, Venera 11, which also sent back data that reportedly prove the existence of lightning within the Venusian
atmosphere.

Earlier this month, the Russian scientists put on display a windscreen taken from the probe that had several centimeter-sized splats, very much like what a car windshield looks like after driving along I-5 through the central Valley in California during peak growing season.

The splats appear to show a long, ribbon-like creature with a near transparent outer shell, a long whip-like body, retractible eyestalks, and a primitive mouth and digestive system. The remaining undamaged pieces of the dead creatures were combined to form what the scientists believe a fully formed adult animal looks like. The Estonian biologists working with the Russian experts have released a description of an organism that spends its entire life cycle in the thick atmosphere. They speculate that it originally developed on the surface of the planet when water was abundant. As the greenhouse gasses accumulated and the trapped heat boiled off the available water
supply, the creature, dubbed Sulfoacidolobus venerisi, adapted. It did this by becoming smaller, thinner and less dependent on water for its survival. It developed a leathery coating that resembles chitin, a substance that is able to withstand a highly acid environment, similar to Earth's deep ocean inhabitants that live near thermal vents.

As the planet's surface continued to heat up through the runaway greenhouse effect, s. venerisi began to float up into the densifying atmosphere. It developed an ability for chemosynthesis, a process that manufactures carbohydrates from carbon dioxide and water, using chemical nutrients as the energy source, rather than sunlight. It is
speculated that it metabolizes inorganic compounds in the atmosphere by oxidizing (removing electrons) from trace amounts of sulfur"

-helen
*************************

this is from me to her.


what is that the text of?

that isn't what i wrote, and the animal that you wrote about isn't really what i described. this makes me angry, helen. i am not prone to letting other people do my work for me, and i really don't like you doing my entire section for me. i have done my
own research, come to my own conclusions, developed my own ideas, and to have you send me back something that barely resembles with i have put a lot of time into makes me upset. i am not a stupid person and i don't need you to polish my ideas up, they're shiny enough.

i understand that you want to help, but this is my section and i'd like it if i wrote it. the text i sent you is my initial draft. it isn't a suggestion, it's what i wrote, and it isn't very far from what i intend to present to the class. i am not stoked about you changing it. the drawing that your co-worker did isn't what i envisioned and it isn't really what i described. i am not an ex-imagineer for disney, but i think that i will just draw my own creature. please thank your co-worker for me.

i don't say this to be rude, but i want to make sure that i am clear.

i appreciate all the work that you're putting into the project, because none of us could do this without you, but i would really like it if you let me do my own section, with minimal editorial input. i haven't edited the drafts you sent us, because i don't feel like it's my job or right, to change your section, and i'd really like it if you
could do the same with my section. i have already met with alice about what is required and i feel confident about the direction i am headed in.

again, i am not at all intending to be rude, or to show any lack of appreciation for the work you're doing, but i don't want to be represented in a group paper by work that i didn't do and that doesn't represent what i want. i also don't want to have to memorize someone else's ideas and talk about them in the presentation, because i like
my own ideas. i don't love the windshield idea and i don't want to get into the evolution or creation of the creature from the beginning of time, mostly because alice said that there was no need to go that far into it. please leave my section to the things that i wrote. if you think you'll have a problem getting a final version of the paper updated after friday, please email it to me and i'll do the final draft of the whole shebang and bring it. i understand that you're limited to work time on this, but i also hope you understand that up until two weeks ago, i was under the impression that i was doing culture, so i did all my research on that, and had to start from
scratch on the creature.

not to beat a dead horse, but i really don't want this to be construed as me being nasty to you, because that is not at all my intention. in writing things can come off as harsher, or even just different, than intended, you know? thanks for your creativity, but i'd just like my section to reflect my work.

thanks,
kira

**********************

this is from another girl in our group, in response to the email that the crazy lady sent to everyone but me.


Everybody,

I do not feel comfortable commenting on what to do about the creature because frankly, unless you need my help, this sounds like it is between Helen and Kira.

However, let's keep in touch about what we need for Sunday.

Aimie

Helen Hebert wrote:

david, aimie and elsie,

I just got this rant back from Kira. I took what she sent yesterday and started with the text of the creature section. I also took her description and interpreted it into a visual form from what she wrote. I do not think I did a bad job here and have put a great deal of time in on the written portion of the assignment.

What would the rest of you like to do at this point? I'm at a loss and given how close it is to the time when this gets turned in, I will not have much more time to devote to this. I have attached the sketch and Kira's original document. I think the creature comes pretty close.

-helen
******************

this is from me to everyone in the group.


hi everyone!
sorry about this confusion. me and helen will figure it all out.
xoxokira
**************

this is from me, to the crazy lady, in response to the crazy email she sent to everyone else.

helen,
i am a little confused why you sent that email to everyone else, and never replied to the email that i sent you.
what exactly are you needing input on from the rest of the group?
i think i was really clear about my communication, specifically that i really appreciate your help and all the work you've put into the project. i just would like the text that i wrote to be what is used in the project. i feel like that's a fair request.
i really didn't want to hurt your feelings, but it seems like i might have, though i would have appreciated it if you'd talked to me about it, rather than involving everyone *but* me.
does this request seem unfair or unclear to you? i'd like to be in communication with you about this, because i really didn't want there to be any weirdness between us, but now i feel confused, being forwarded an email exchange that was clearly not intended for me.
i'd like a response, helen. i have no beef with you, and i don't want there to be tension, to make us uncomfortable, or to make the rest ofthe group uncomfortable, though i think it might be too late for that.
thanks, kira
**************

this is obviously from the crazy woman.


Apparently there is no purpose to my meeting with you on Sunday. See you Monday in class
-helen
******************

this is from me to everyone in the group.


wow.
okay, well, i still plan on meeting everyone at aroma, to go over everything. i will have my images chosen then, though not on the transparencies. i think i am the one who is drawing the creature now, and that might not be done yet, either, but i'll bring smaller sketches to show everyone. did we agree on five images each, on
transparencies? that's what i am going with, so, unless anyone has any objections, how about we all do that, for our respective sections?
helen, does one of us need to print out the big version of that cool landmark-naming table that you found? i'll bring poster board, but i wasn't planning on printing that thingie out. should one of us, or are you going to do that?
so, we're doing three poster boards, one with my creature stuff on it, one with that table thing on it, and one with miscellaneous pictures of venus on it. would someone else be willing to bring some big color pictures of a few views of venus? i am thinking one of the pictures of the rocky surface taken on the shuttle landings, a couple different ones from space, and.... something else?
xoxok
****************

this is from that same other chick in the group, again, in response to another crazy email sent by the crazy woman to everyone but me.


Okay, I am really confused about how this suddenly escalated into Helen leaving the group. I understand that there were some creative differences regarding the creature, however, what about the project as a whole? I will appreciate any thoughts from the group.

Aimie

Helen Hebert wrote:

I'm sorry Dave, but I will be doing only my section from now on. I intend to bring my own visuals to class and have expanded the naming section of my own report to include a number of features on Venus to fill my 2 minutes. I will be turning in the paper as my own work product and have removed all other names.

After Kira's vituperative email and her childish and unprofessional attitude, I have decided to withdraw from the group and intend to send a email today to our instructor stating my reasons for doing so. I also plan to email Alice my version of the report that I have worked so hard on and will turn that in as my own project. Since Kira stated that she had spoken to Alice about it, I feel it is my only remaining option. Go back and reread the forwarded email. I believe she offered to do the final version of the report. Just be sure that she does not plagiarize mine. It will probably get you marked down, as the report will be turned in today as mine.

I don't know what effect this will have on the presentation, but my guess is that it will be very little since I was not doing one of the vital sections that was included in the original instruction, those being the physical aspects of the planet, probes and a theoretical creature.

If Kira had actually provided her work in a timely fashion and if we had more time to work out the differences, there would have been a different outcome. If she had looked at what she provided by the stated deadline, perhaps she could have realized that she was not clear in her description. For one thing, the link that was provided did not
at all resemble her own words. I decided to go with her typed words describing a 'long, skinny, whip-like body....almost transparent...long ribbon-like shape...small eyes facing outward'. Her response to that effort was condescending, untruthful, narcissistic, and temperamental.

For future reference, you may find the following link regarding working in groups useful. It is too bad that we were given the group project at such a late date. I had a feeling that this would happen when Kira demanded to see everyone's work before she would release any of her own. My suspicion is that it was simply a cover-up for not having done the assignment.

http://tlt.its.psu.edu/suggestions/teams/student/responsibility.html..unproductive

Helen
On May 12, 2005, at 10:20 PM, David Benson wrote:

> Helen,
>
> So if we don't meet Sunday I was just wondering what we are doing
> about the visuals
> do I need to make some sort of poster with physical information on it
> or do we have enough visuals already.
>
> - Dave
***************

this is from me to everyone else.

i am a little bit in shock.
obviously my interpretation of what happened is different from helen's. i am not used to this sort of interaction, so i am at a loss to explain how things escalated to this point.
from my perspective, i sent helen an email asking if the text in the report could be the text that i sent her. i was very careful to repeat several times that i really appreciated all the work she was putting into the project and thanked her, but i asked if the section on the creature could stick to the things that i had written. i referenced a conversation that i had with alice about how in-depth my creature profile needed to be. i was concerned about my limited knowledge about biology, so i checked in with alice about her expectations. she said that keeping it to the basics was totally fine, i.e. what it eats, what it looks like and why, where it lives, the very basics.
in the email that i sent to helen, i told her that if time was a problem, she could email me the draft of the paper and i could add my stuff in myself.
i don't know anything about anything else.
i feel like i have done everything in my power to keep this from getting messy. i sent an email to helen asking that we communicate about this privately and apologized if i had hurt her feelings or offended her.
i have received no response, except what she has sent to you guys and that aimie has sent to me.
i dunno, guys. i haven't done anything that, in my opinion, warrants this kind of response. i would be more than happy to forward on the email i sent helen. maybe you guys feel that it was out of line? i am not the sort of person who just says mean, hurtful, careless, angry things, so i find it hard to accept the responsibility for this fiasco.
i certainly sent an email to helen, but it wasn't one i feel i was crossing any moral or ethical lines by sending...

helen, i am sorry that you feel that way. i haven't ever had a problem like this with anyone i have ever met, but if i have behaved poorlyand i am unaware of it, i am sincerely sorry.

rest of the group, what the fuck are we going to do?
-kira
***************************

um..... what the fuck is going on? am *i* the one who is crazy? i feel like it's her, but this drama is SUCH a bummer and i am really pissed that she is taking it out on everyone in the group now. vituperative?!

people, read this, and tell me if i am missing something, please.

the wonders of communication.

i am having some conflict with a woman in my astronomy lab group.

we have to do an oral report/presentation on the planet venus. me and my group all get along well, and it's been a pretty pleasant group presentation experience, overall.
one older woman has sorta wrestled control away from everyone else, delegating and stuff, and she volunteered to write up the written version that'll get turned it.
whenever anyone sends her their section, she very freely edits it, like, puts in things they never found, or writes it entirely for them. no one has really complained yet, because no one really cares and everyone is so busy. except...

i am supposed to create a creature that lives on the planet. so, i did a few hours of research and some imagining, and i came up with a cool creature. i emailed my text to her, to incorporate into the body of the paper. about 20 mins later, she emailed something back to me, said it was the text on the creature, when in fact it bore absolutely no resemblance to the text that i had written, or the creature that i described. then she sent me back a drawing that her coworker had done of the creature, that looks very little like what i had described. on top of that, she told me about these cheesy things she had done, like making a fake model windsheild with splats on it, to look like that's how scientists discovered this creature. this idea, i did not enjoy.

so, i sent her an email, which is the only means i have of contacting her, and told her i was confused and angry, that what she sent me back was not what i had written and that i didn't want her version of my text, i wanted my text in there. i thanked her for all the work she's been doing, but i said that i didn't want to use her ideas, because this is the only part of the project that i am doing. i'd like it to be my work. i liked my creature and i felt good about my write up.

so, she never replied to my email, which was curious to me.

until yesterday, when i got forwarded an email from *another* girl in my group, responding to all of us, to an email that lady had sent to everyone but me, about my 'rant' and her needing to know what to do, because she's put a lot of time into the report, but she's running out of time, she feels like her text and drawing are really close to what i said... etc. my poor group. we all barely know each other, so this must be really embarrassing for them. the girl who emailed me, and everyone, said she felt like this was between me and the crazy lady, basically.

i sent another email to the crazy lady, saying it was not my intention to hurt her feelings, which i had stated numerous times in the first email, but that i was feeling confused again about why she'd send that to everyone but me, and why she wasn't communicating with me. i said i didn't want there to be tension on monday, and that i felt like this didn't need to be such a big deal. i asked her to reply to my email.
this morning i received an email from the crazy lady, sent to everyone in the group (including me) that there was obviously no reason for her to meet us sunday evening for the final run through and that she would see us in class monday.

um... what?

for anyone who doesn't know me well, i am a very careful, precise communicator, in general. i have my fair share of slip ups, no doubt, and i can botch a communication just like the next guy, but i am characterized by my clear, careful communication. i knew the email was going to be a touchy one, so i was very careful to get my point across in a firm, but thoughtful way. i did not call her a crazy woman, or a loser with too much time on her hands, or a control freak, or anything. i repeatedly thanked her for all the work she's done and told her that i genuinely appreciate all the time she's put into everything. i just didn't want her to change my section.

not to be totally cruel, BUT.... no wonder she'd a twice-divorcee. jesus, with communication skills like those, i am surprised she is able to function in the world.
it's been bumming me out, but there's not much i can do about it all. she's using the freeze-out method to deal with this all, which is pretty much impossible to get around.
she's crazy. what the fuck am i supposed to do? i have been in communication with the rest of the group, because we still actually have some stuff to figure out and some of it the crazy lady was supposed to handle.

this has been a weird year so far for communication.

or maybe there are just a lot of super-shitty communicators around.

whatever, right? school is over on wednesday. i can stick out the misery until then.

physical pain.

Current mood: determined

monday i went way overboard on lunges and squats at the gym. i could tell as soon as i walked into the locker room that i was in trouble. my thighs felt all wobbly and i could barely make it across the street to my car.

yesterday morning, i had great difficulty getting in and out of my car, because of the muscle soreness. getting onto and off of the toilet was terribly challenging. walking downstairs was really embarrassing. even rolling over in bed was pretty tough.

also, i had really, really bad cramps yesterday, so i was just pretty much falling apart.

today, i am better, somewhat, on all fronts, though i am still pretty physically impaired with the leg-thing.

no gym today, because i can barely walk.

i'll gym tomorrow.

oh, also, there is a woman in my astronomy lab group who i want to kill.

and my job is still fucking rad. quitting resto is totally going to suck, because they're going to be bummed in a minorly abusive way, but my new job is so cool that it's worth it.

this movie, the one i said i'm watching, i watched it the other night. it wasn't great.

Currently watching :
I'll Sleep When I'm Dead
Release date: By 16 November, 2004

mercy killing.

Current mood: homicidal/suicidal

someone come to 680 8th street, ste. 240 and either kill me, or the woman in the showroom next door. if i have to listen to alice (the radio station) for another entire day, i'm going to fucking lose my shit.

i hummed along to evanescence accidentally 5 minutes ago, people. it's getting critical

whoa.

man, life is all over the fucking place.
i got into berkeley and ucla, but only on provisional acceptance. i had to send in a form telling them about my three 'w'-s from this semester. so, i *kinda* got in.
i have a bad-ass new job in the fashion industry, that is so fun and scary, but really rad.
i feel ill from my too-late lunch.
the halpin's pirate party is tomorrow and i am still on the fence about attending.
i am now spending more than a third of my life in the car, en route somewhere. it's cool, but also a little suckie.
i need to hang out with some peops in the city after work, to make driving in 3 days a week a little less grueling.
my mom is moving, so i need to be packing, which i am not.
i joined the gym, and have been waking up at the break-a, break-a to go to the gym before school/work. every other day is my plan. always cardio and then alternate upper body or lower body, always abs. i hope i stick with it.
life is so busy and crazy and i am pms-ing and feeling sorta overwhelmed and emotional, but happy, too.
seriously, my new job is bad as fuck.

best laid plans of mice and kira.

as a direct result of my getting my license, which previously seemed unthinkably difficult, i have this sense that i can accomplish anything now. i promised the universe that if it let me pass my driving test, i'd begin learning to play the guitar, which has also always seemed arduously time-consuming, especially if i want to tear shit up at all. so, i haven't started the guitar thing, but i am still turning new leaves over.

i drove, all by myself, to san francisco, a couple of times, and i did not die or have to pull over and cry. that is impressive to me. i also drove to albany for lunch with a friend, with a similar lack of death or tears. like, whoa. i am unstoppable.

so, i am going to now phase procrastination out of my life. i hate to do it, it really causes problems in my life, aside from the feelings of worthlessness and shame that accompany it, and i am, as the kids are saying, 'over it.'

PROCRASTINATION, I DEFY YOU. YOU ARE NOW BANISHED.

to commemorate this momentous break-up, i have spent this evening working on some extra-curricular stuff that i've been avoiding all year and i finished the first major part of it and it was cinchy.

i am a datebook-using, note-to-self-writing, things-i-am-supposed-to-be-doing-doer who doesn't let little things like lethargy, fear, ennui, or embarrassment get in her way. nah, brah, i'm making shit happen.

woo. fuckin' a right.

i am going to wake up early again tomorrow, even though i don't really HAVE to, and walk the dog. partly because shannon's ankle is still jacked up and he shouldn't walk on it, and partly because i need to get some exercise, now that i don't have to walk everywhere anymore, or i'll turn into a jelly butt. or, a jellier butt.

i recognize that, most likely, this break-up between me and procrastinating won't be forever. a ltr like that tends to linger. but my intention is to honor the importance of the time we've spent together, while also remaining aloof and emotionally uninvolved.

also, sometimes it's nice to light a bunch of candle, for no reason. we're using these beeswax tea lights and it's pretty sweet. i don't mind the paraffin smell, but beeswax is undeniably less stank. i wish beeswax tasted as good as it smells. we'd really have something then...

updater.

some things that are happening in my life:

1) i got my lip waxed yesterday and it still feels all weird and naked. shannon teased me that my baby fuzz would grow back thick and bushy like a walrus, but he isn't well-versed in the facts of girl-hood like myself. i made an appointment to get a bikini wax and my arm pits done. i've never had my pits done and it might kill me, but since i loathe the whole body hair removal dance, maybe this is a thorough way to deal with an area that is a total bummer to shave. i hate the tyranny of hairlessness anyway, damn it. women have hair in unsightly places. it's just a fact. but we're totally bullied and shamed into removing it, despite the financial, time and discomfort investments that are required. it's such crap. sorry we're not all hairless and smooth like androids, fellas. p.s. neither are you, and there are some areas that you guys tend to have hair on that we could usually do without, like ears or nose or necks.

2) my work drama continues, with P informing me 'confidentially' that she was going to fire K, despite the fact that K already put in her notice. so, i told K. i felt weird about it, because P considers me a friend, as much as she is capable of, but i can't sit by and let this crap happen. maybe i'll get fired, if K doesn't do a good job of keeping it cool, but hopefully not. and if i do, oh well. i'll deal.

3) my interest and investment in school is reaching all time lows. i have a big math test monday and i don't really care. i'll do some prep for it today, but i can get low Bs on the next two tests and still get an A in the class. i should start on my final project someday, though.

4) here are the things i am not working on, and have not been for quite some time, that i really ought to: applying for scholarships so i don't have to take out one zillion dollars in loans in order to attend ucla, assuming i get it; coalating and formatting the new student senate constutition, which i am hoping to have finished by the end of the semester; sending the letters out to the faculty advisors for clubs that are inactive, so we can take their money - also would like to get that done by the end of the semester; vaccuming and stuff around the house (having a siberian husky as a dog is amazingly labor intenstive, even if only viewed from a hair collecting perspective. that dog can freakin' shed, itellyouwhat.); preparing for the 1997 party, like sending out emails to old-skool homies from 'back in the day;' i'm not really working enough to save much money, and i need to be doing that, too, if i ever plan on moving.

5) i got a really cool temporary job, that starts next thursday and goes until the 13th of may, i think. i worked last sunday and monday at a fashion showroom by the concourse in the city. last weekend was the SF fashion market, when all the buyers from stores come to check out the new season's lines and order, so i worked in a showroom greeting buyers and stuff. it was pretty dumb, mostly being the go-fer, setting up lunch, carrying flats of bottled water and diet coke up 3 flights of stairs, but the sales rep lady whose showroom i was hired through asked me to work the LA markets with her, since i'm headed down there, which is cool, and she also asked me to fill in for her assistant while the assistant is on her honeymoon. she (the lady who hired me) reps some pretty big lines, so it's very exciting. that's one of the only ways to get into the snooty fashion bitch business, having a connection, so if i want to claw my way up the ladder using only my acrylic nails and my stilettos, now is my chance. (i don't have acrylic nails or stilettos yet, but i'm working on it, even though i think acrylic nails are totally foul. seriously, why do girls get them? they look hideous. aside from looking trashy, they are just not attractive. plus french manicures are crazy low-class looking, especially on toes. groders.)

6?) by the way, groders is a derivative of grody, which we all know is a derivative of gross. shannon's sister says groders sometimes and i really like it. i also shortened heinous to heiners (pronounced hay-ners, not like wieners with an h), which works well, also. i'm a fan of silly slang like that. this girl that i have a little girl crush on said 'totes' like short for totally, and i thought it was awesome. ***NOTE FROM THE FUTURE: THIS MYSTERIOUS GIRL EVENTUALLY BECAME MY BESTIE, LIESL.***

7) mike the jerk, from school, just called me, i assume to tutor him for out math test, but i have no interest in doing that. this is the first day that i haven't rushed out of the house to run errands, since i'm a new driver and stoked to be out and about, but i am way more interested today in sitting around in my jammies. it's a bit chilly today.

8) shannon sprained his ankle yesterday, scrambling around on wet, mossy rocks in a canyon on the yuba river. he's too incapacitated to walk his dog, but not to incapacitated to fix the bird feeder and collect brush and all the yard-related things he loves to do. hmmm. today, i gave him the ultimate gift. while packing to move, my mom found about 20 old vhs tapes of mine, most of which i had taped episodes of 'my so-called life' on. one is labelled 'kira's favorite music videos - DO NOT RECORD OVER!!!!', so i know it's going to be embarassing. i am expecting 'rock the cradle of love' and 'unskinny bop.' anyway, another tape is the end of the year show from my grade school, in 1987, making me 9. i think that was the year i played mary poppins, in the stage version of the musical by the same name. i gave it to shannon. i might die of embarassment, but he deserves to see it. after all, he let me look at his yearbooks. (p.s. they are the best things ever! the graduating classes of 1988 through 1990 in huntington, indiana were looking sharp. shannon is perhaps the least silly looking person in there, actually. he just had long hair and was a metal guy. the hair and clothes on the ladies is really something. it's like their heads exploded, and the brain matter glued their hair into crazy vertical formations. wow.)

9) i think that's it for now.

city peops, i'll be working in the city, starting this thursday, on tuesday, thursday and friday for a few weeks. i can come play after work, so let me know.


Currently reading :
The Name of the Rose: including Postscript to the Name of the Rose
By Umberto Eco
Release date: By 28 September, 1994

ow.

Current mood: grumpy

my head is really, really hurting. i think it's sinus pressure. i had gotten out of allergy issues so far this year, but i packed up my closet at my mom's house and the ancient dust there was my undoing.
i am such a fucking baby. i always feel like i'm going to die when i am in any sort of illness-related pain. injuries i can take like a champ, but give me a cold and i lose my shit.
but, seriously, it fucking hurts and i'm bummed.

also, shit is about to go totally ape-shit in 'the dark tower' and i am filled with dread, as well as snot. sweet.

Currently reading :
Wizard and Glass (The Dark Tower, Book 4)
By Stephen King
Release date: By 23 June, 2003

holy crap!

Current mood: guilty

i passed my driving test today! i am a licensed driver! most of today was awesome, me just crusing around, running errands by myself. radical.
now things feel shitty for some reason. i am fucking over extended, is the bottom line. i need to learn when to say 'when.' i hate it when i blow some scheduling thing and no matter what i do i am screwing someone over. it makes me feel like a total asshole. there. i said it. i am feeling like an asshole.
i guess getting my license didn't solve all my problems after all.

Currently listening :
Antics
By Interpol
Release date: By 27 September, 2004

why kira will never succeed in politics.

Current mood: melancholy

i have a really easy job. i accepted the job solely based on how easy it is and how absurdly flexible the hours are. i show up pretty much whenever i want to, i listen to my ipod and file, chat with my co-workers, and leave when i get tired of it. it's heaven. when i leave, i have almost nothing to say about work, because nothing interesting happens, so i don't have to be that person who only talks about work. (except for right now, when i am talking about it...)

okay,, though, here's the problem:

i work with a woman, P, who is probably in her late 30s, who is quite possibly the most cold-hearted, selfish person i have ever known in real life.. she loves me, but i have no doubt she'd slit my throat without a second thought if she felt like it was the thing to do.

there are a large number of good things about her. she's funny. she has a really cool daughter. she's a really hard worker. she's good to chat with, about current events or life stuff.

the things that suck about her are all related to what a cold, hard twat she can be, though. the tone of voice she uses on the phone with her husband, and her ex-husband, is enough to turn my stomach. i have never, in my entire life, used such a shitty, disrespectful, rude-on-purpose-with-no-thought-for-the-other-person's-feelings tone of voice, except to illustrate it to other people. it makes my skin crawl. how she could speak to her husband that way, who she is alleged to love, really dumb-founds me. she handles the workers comp claims for the company, and you know she has no qualms about cutting people off, regardless of whether or not they're better. she just assumes they're all lying fakers and is down to stick it to them. she is also all about taking her anger out on innocent by-standers, and is famous for getting people fired because she doesn't like them, or they threaten her in some way. mostly she keeps it to temps that are too annoying, but she's not above taking out another permanent co-worker.

so, she is out for herself, bottom line, and will say or do whatever she feels like she needs to, or can, to come out on top.

she left for maternity leave in November-ish. another chick took over her job for her, while she was out. this other chick, K, also continued to do a great deal of her own job, as well as managing two temps during the xmas season, which is a crappy, ultra-busy time for the department. i have no idea how good a job K did at managing P's job, but i do know she never got yelled at, shit didn't explode or fall apart, and she managed to stay funny and positive and easy to get along with despite the atrocious stress she was under. her work-load had tripled, and she was never given a full training in the stuff she was doing, despite being told a few times that she would be.

so, two months into this time, K asks our boss for a temporary raise, since she is doing so much more work. our boss says she'll ask HER boss and get back to K. two weeks pass and K hears nothing. she asks again. again is told that the boss will ask the boss and they'll get back to K. two more weeks pass and nothing. K asks about it one more time, and is again blown off. nothing. right around this time, P comes back on the scene.

i should say that P is best friends with our boss, except for the huge amounts of smack that P talks behind the boss’s back to me. so P's maternity leave time ran out, as did her state maternity benefits, so she and the boss came up with this plan for her to work from home part time, so she could get paid half of her salary while still basically being on leave. she continued to call K, giving K even more things to do, even though she is allegedly working part-time now.

the big problem is that K let things go for too long. she should have found another job after the second time she got dissed, but she didn't, she just stayed, letting the resentfulness grow.

as of this week, P is back from leave entirely. she has decided that K hates her and should leave the company. instead of talking to K about her problems, perhaps admitting that they treated K like crap and she has a right to be pissed, P is basically forcing her to quit.

K is a really, really good worker and a way more pleasant co-worker, more consistently, to more people, than P. she is almost always easy to get along with, and when she's in a crappy mood, she at least keeps it to herself, whereas P can poison the vibes like no one i have ever met. K is the kind of person who everyone goes to with any questions about the department, because she's really knowledgeable and just handles stuff without a bunch of drama or fanfare. she is exactly the kind of employee that companies, particularly my company, want to have, because she's willing to take one for them team and work hard, but they're going to fire her anyway.

now P is trying to suck me into the saga, like making me part of their conspiracy, which sucks a great deal for me, because i feel like a huge injustice is being perpetrated. P is the girl in grade school who wasn't afraid to make other kids cry, who would aim for making adults cry, and who probably bullied anyone younger than her. she is just a mean, popular girl at heart, and she wants me to join her team of heathers, but i am feeling like veronica.

P asked me to let her know when K got in on friday morning, because K was really late (which was dumb of K, to be an hour and half late without calling, but whatever.) P wanted me to basically tattle on her. later in the day, r and another co-worker were doing a project in a conference room and P walked in and felt like they were talking smack about her, which they could very well have been doing. P came out of the room and over to my desk, where she whispered to me,
"that's awesome when you walk in on people talking about you and they get all nervous. keep is up, ladies, because i'm totally going to circle back around and write you up."

then, later, leaving the conference room again, P stops me to talk, saying, "i hate her and she needs to leave."
i made a sad face and said i was hating the fighting.
P said, "oh, there's no fighting, i just hate her and she needs leave."
again, i said i just wanted everyone to get along, but P said, "whatever, she obviously hates me and S (the boss), and is miserable here. she drives and hour and a half each way to get here, to a job she hates, to work for two people she hates, she needs to go." (that was a good point, and one i've made to K before, since she drives from sonoma to marin everyday for work.) i tried to explain it in a diplomatic way, saying that i felt like K didn't hate them, that she just let her frustration poison things and get too far.
P told me, continuing the festival of unprofessional conduct, that K cried in a meeting with her yesterday when P asked her if she was giving her 2 weeks notice. K felt like she could improve her attitude or something, but P said it was too late for the big turn-around. K said she didn't think she'd have to leave over it, and P just kind of rolled her eyes.
i sighed deeply.
P made a cutesy face and said, "aren't you glad that i love you?"
um...what? scary.

so, work politics are excruciatingly painful right now.
i feel like i should do something for K, plead her case or defend her or something, but i also feel like she let it get out of hand and it's unlikely that it'll get any better. she should've left before it got so messy.

this sort of thing is typical of my department, which is ironic since i work in human resources, but P and my boss have cut players from the team before when they threatened their little BFF set up, and i feel like that's what this is. the boss didn't give P the raise because she doesn't really care, and P just wants to ensure that she gets taken care of and doesn't give a shit if she hurts another person's career or life in the process.

i feel like a spineless wimp. i don't think me sacrificing my job, and a gold-plated reference from a company and department that want to marry me, is going to do any good in this situation. they have already proven, with their yuckiness towards K, that no player is too valuable to get cut suddenly. i need the reference and my sacrifice would mean nothing.

or would it? i don't know, i just feel really icky about it. i loathe the way P is trying to make me a part of it, to make sure i am on the team. i hate the mean team.

and this is why i won't ever succeed in politics. i can't handle the negativity. it makes me crazy and so sad and scared i want to die. how can people operate this way? i refuse to get sucked into the drama or feed the fire, so i have to stay on the outside, and i am prone to quitting if things get too unpleasant.

school politics are like that right now, too, so unpleasant, and i am slowly, unconsciously, shrinking away, little by little. life is too short for the poo flinging and the pointless hating.

i don't think there's anything wrong with me not wanting to be involved in other people's drama, but i feel like i have a moral obligation to stand up for what's 'right.' is that stupid? am i being overly dramatic about this? is this the sort of compromising of morals that leads people astray? who am i if i am not being vocal about what i think is right? how can i call myself an honest person if i am not willing to sacrifice in the name of my moral barometer?

i imagine that a lot of politicians start out as honest people, who genuinely intend to do good things with their power. i imagine that little by little, though, one small compromise after another knocks their internal compasses off kilter, and they lose track of what they once felt were iron-clad, uncompromiseable truths.

and i wonder if this is one of those tests, where i need to see what i am made of. a really good person is being wronged, and even if i am not able to reverse the process, maybe i should at least try. maybe that's the most important thing...

what do you think?

Currently reading :
The Name of the Rose: including Postscript to the Name of the Rose
By Umberto Eco
Release date: By 28 September, 1994

a couple of things.

i am a little bit hung over today, but not too bad. i am suddenly ravenously hungry for a cheeseburger.

shannon comes home tomorrow and i am very excited. last night i got home from my carousing and walking home in the mist and, as usual, my thighs and butt were very cold. (this is a recurring body quirk, that runs in the family. my mom gets a cold butt too.) anyway, i got home, put on my pjs, and there was no one in bed to snuggle up to to warm up my freezing butt.

i slept in a little bit today, since i got home so late, and when i woke up i went outside to check on the tulips. there is one that is just about to bloom and i have been checking it each day to make sure it hasn't bloomed yet. i don't want shannon to miss it. the air is very moist and warm today. it reminds me on corsica. the air was a bit like that there, only warmer.

i want the cheeseburger, but, here's the big question: am i too lazy to get dressed and walk to it? quite possibly.


Current mood: mellow
Currently reading: A Dame to Kill For (Sin City, Book 2: Second Edition) By Frank Miller

lucero.

holy crap. i love them.

Current mood: lazy
Currently reading : Weaveworld By Clive Barker

sweet.

today is the greatest day i have ever known.
seriously.
the weather is perfect, i had *TWO* iced chais, i am dropping my hard classes because i just don't give a crap anymore, got to chat with two people who i really like, i walked around on the cool grass barefoot while standing in the sun and the air smells like flowers and freshness.
i want to marry my life right now.
i was freaking out yesterday about school, but i have figured out what i need to do, it's all going to be fine and...yeah.
everything is awesome.

Current mood: ecstatic

ack!

my free studying day is slipping through my fingers and i can't make myself to any goddamned homework! i have a big, scary genetics/heredity test tomorrow morning at 9am that i am totally unprepared for. i know that i am unprepared for it. i have time to prepare. but i'm not. i'm not really doing anything. i did some handwashing. that's good. i called my dad. that's good, too. called tabitha. then a lot of just laying around and staring at the ceiling!
I AM TOTALLY BLOWING IT, AND I KNOW IT, AND I CAN'T STOP!!!

Current mood: guilty
Currently listening : Hail To The Thief By Radiohead

resolution.

it's always a nice feeling when something has been completely plagueing you and driving you insane with worry, and then a solution presents itself that feels like the entire Universe clicking into place; like everything around you heaving a huge sigh of relief.

i've been totally losing my shit about life. everything has felt really fucked up and suffocating, not enough time in the day, too much dumb, obligatory bullshit to wade through, too much guilt... basically, i have community college senioritis and i just don't care at all about any of my classes this semester. having to keep my grades up is complete torture, because i just don't have my usual interest. then, i got laid off from one of my office jobs, but it got replaced by freelance writing, which seems neat, and will be cool to add to my resume, but means i have to spend part of my already-limited free time working on this writing project. there have been a whole bunch of really important things going on in student/college government and that has taken more time than usual. time is running out on the projects i want to get done and leave as my legacy and i barely have time to sleep, much less write proposal letters or position papers. i need to be working (job-wise) a bit more, to make money for the move to LA (which i insist on assuming is going to happen despite no acceptance yet from UCLA), and i am just sick and tired of my days being so jammed packed with stuff i don't give a crap about! i can't even read a goddamn book because i have so much school reading to do! you know me, i HAVE to read, and i just don't have the time for it. oh, and i should be spending at least an hour a day working on scholarship applications, which i obviously haven't been doing. so, life has just been feeling like it's tightening slowly around my throat.

but i think i've figured it out.

i'm going to drop one of the classes that i am taking for fun. it looks not-so-good to have that on my transcripts so close to my transfer, but it's drop the class or drop out of school entirely, so i'll do what i have to. it's my only class on tuesday, which will free up that whole day. then i can either work that day, or spend it on homework and scholarships. i'm sad, because i really like the teacher, but the class isn't turning out as awesome as it would need to in order to make the cut. sorry, myth, symbol and the arts class. you're out.

i have been a complete asshole all week because of this stress and the dilemma, and figuring out a solution that is acceptable is a HUGE weight off my mind. now i might be able to actually accomplish something, instead of lying on my bed, curled in the fetal position, whimpering about my misery.

(i know, i know. my misery is nothing compared to all the true misery in the world. but my misery is the only misery i really know, so it's all i really have to work with. i could lie in a ball and whimper about the world's misery, also, but i just don't have the time right now. it's coming though. i am reading some testimonies from kids who got kidnapped and forced to be soldiers in the civil war in uganda, and it's enough to set me off. all i really ever need to put my issues in perspective is to think about africa. dude. that's some miserable fucking misery.)

some miscellaneous notes:
-i am only just now resuming the quest for my license. sticking with driving, despite the failing of the driving test, has been quite possibly the hardest thing i have ever done, for me. i know that i have issues with doing new things, for fear of being bad at them, and that that handicaps me on a lot of levels. learning to drive is the most dramatic example, but there are a jillion more. everything in me screams to stop driving, because i did my best on the driving test and it wasn't good enough, so i suck and i should just give up. NOT giving up goes against everything i have ever taught myself. it's very difficult, but pretty amazing. if i can learn to drive and get my license, which most people do but i have had as a huge, insurmountable obstacle, then i can do anything. so, i am baby-stepping. baby-steps back behind the wheel. baby-steps to set up driver's training lessons. baby-steps to schedule my next test. (that's the biggie. i feel ill just thinking about taking that goddamn test again.) i'm not moving fast, but i'm moving, and that's what counts.

-i decided not to do homework for most of today. the rationale is: a) i have a study session at 3pm today, so i can afford to slack until then; b) i have put off doing housework (changing the bed, cleaning my filthy bathroom) for weeks because of homework, but it's got to get done; c) today is so glorious (xoxowhitney), i can not possibly be expected to get my homework done, so i won't even try. and, not doing my homework was perfection. cleaned the hizzy, chatted for a really long time with ariana, which has also been long overdo, aired out the down comforters in the sun, re-folded my sweater stacks, which had gotten pretty teetery.... everything EXCEPT homework. it was delicious and i loved it. it made having to go into broken drum for my study session less painful.

-i need a massage and a chiropractic adjustment worse than ever before.

-spring time is awesome! all the flowers are blooming! my orchids are both blooming (first time ever!), the jasmine we planted is teetering on the brink of becoming a tasty-smelling tornado of deliciousness, my tulips are finally coming up (i'd despaired that i'd screwed them up, but they are just on a different time line than the the paperwhites, i guess), the cyclamen is STILL blooming and has been for a couple of months, and even the peacelily inside is throwing off some loveliness. i have finally come into my green-thumb genes and it's pretty exciting. my mom is really proud.

-i am pondering submitting to my consumer impulses and buying a fantastic, very expensive purse. it's my first status purse and i am nervous about it, but i am pretty sure that i'm going to go for it.

-i just noticed how i switch back and forth between using contractions and the full words. that's weird. i wonder why i do that.

-i have my first solid, not-stupid, idea for a short story floating around in my brain, but i have yet to do anything about it. my parents got my chart done when my mom was pregnant with me and the astrologer said i was going to be an author, and my mom always pushes that, like it's my destiny. now shannon has started in, too. so, maybe i am getting ready to submit to my destiny. we'll see.

-me me me. i i i. sometimes i rant about world events, but today it's the kira show. forgive the narcisissm. who cares, anyway? it's my fucking blog. i'll write about whatever i want, and sometimes i just want to bitch about how hard my life is.

-to sum up.... friends are cool, school is getting old, the sun is glorious, growing things is very satisfying, learning to drive and getting my license are both more difficult than just learning the mechanics, and maybe i am an author in the making.

okay, back to the homework mines, after dinner with my sugar booger at the tasty puerto rican restaurant downtown. yumyum.

Current mood: relieved
Currently listening : The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou By Various Artists

pet peeves, pt. 2

if there is any one thing that shakes my faith in humanity on a day to day basis (versus things like the holocaust, which i can avoid thinking about usually), it is leaf blowers.

what jack ass decided that blowing the leaves from their own yard into the gutters, or into their neighbors' yards was an okay idea? who the fuck do they think is going to clean up the leaves? obviously the leaves are going to become a nuisance for someone else, like clogging the gutters and causing flooding, so why not get off your fat ass and just sweep them up? what the hell was wrong with brooms, anyway? it's not like leaf blowers don't still require you to move around. was raking and sweeping that much more labor intensive than hauling that huge blower around? plus, they stink up the entire neighborhood and are loud.

that kind of human ingenuity is why we might just be destined to die the pretty-much-inevitible backlash of outstripping the carrying capacity of the land. it's like littering, this whole mentality of 'yeah, it's my mess, but i don't want to deal with it, so i'll leave it for an innocent stranger.'

me and shannon take his dog to the park all the time and more times than not there is fucking garbage and leftover food from some hispanic family's picnic that they just LEFT AT THE PARK. (racial stereotyping not intended, but if all that's left is pacifico bottles, taco bell hot sauce packets, kentucky fried chicken buckets, empty coke cans, etc. and one sees many families eating the same afore-mentioned dietary garbage, the dots aren't hard to connect.) sometimes they leave used diapers or napkins and stuff. what the fuck is wrong with people?! i saw some dumb looking teenagers eating cookies and doritos, smoking basic cigarettes and being dolts, and they would just wad up their wrappers and toss them on the sidewalk. seriously, who the fuck made this behavior acceptable?

i can't believe everyone isn't livid about this! i can't believe that we aren't reading about litter and leaf blower-related assults every day in the newspaper!

ATTENTION, EVERYONE! Pick up your fucking garbage. if you smoke, i will not scold you, but pick up your goddamned cigarette butts. where do you think they go after they're left on the sidewalk? they get stuck to the bottom of my shoe with some asshole's old gum. that's where.

Current mood: creative
Currently listening : Our Endless Numbered Days By Iron & Wine

slasher!

whoa! i just had a little episode from a teen horror film!
i was taking a shower, singing wham! at the top of my lungs, because no one is home, and i hear this weird thudding noise. so, i cut off my singing and am straining to hear outside. there's what sounds like footsteps in the hallway and what i think is the sliding door to the bathroom opening. i ask, in a quavering voice, "he-hello?" silence. there is, over the next 30ish seconds, a whole bunch of mysterious noises (scrabbling, thudding, swishing... you know. mysterious and onomatopoetic...) i start thinking, "um... what if i didn't close the front door securely? anyone could just push the door open. i am crazy vulnerable, naked in the shower and such... holy crap..." but nothing happens. so, to fortify myself, i move along to the next song on the wham! album, and re-double my singing.

i'm dressed now, so, obviously no one was in the house to kill me, because what kind of a psycho killer would wait til i was dressed to kill me, right? everyone knows that much.

it was still pretty weird, though.

Current mood: refreshed
Currently listening: Make It Big By Wham!

chorus.

everyone was much nicer to me at chorus today. i feel heartened. the music is hard, but it already sounds sweet and we're just fumbling around. it's gonna sound BAD. ASS.

don't worry. i'll let you know the performance dates.

Current mood: mellow
Currently listening: Mozart: Mass in C minor, K417a By Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

student government. why?

i think i just do it because i like to argue. it's really getting me nowhere. it's a microcosm of government in general, in the sense that it's totally dysfunctional and everywhere you look there is serious detail work that needs to be done to fix things. so, just like with government in general, where do you start? what do you do when everything is falling apart and every single thing needs your full attention?

no seriously, i'm asking, because i honestly can't figure it out. my method so far, working half-assedly on a million different things, hasn't been especially fruitful, so this semester i am going to attempt to focus on three main goals/projects, and let everything else slide. shit, i already applied for colleges, so it's not like anything this semester can help me get in, right? as long as i have one concrete thing to show for my hours of time, i'll feel fulfilled.

the academic senate (the teachers' decision-making body) are being a bunch of horse's asses and i want to kick them around the campus ten times each. it is totally contrary to my nature to be distrustful and it hurts me in my heart when people prove my worst suspicions correct. it's really discouraging.

______________________________________________________________

on a totally different note, today was so beautiful and sunny, and i just felt full of joy. i never realize how much i miss the sun until it comes back and i feel like a flower opening up or something. yet another reason why going to ucla would be sweet: sun all the time. i might miss the rain at some point, but not as much as i'll be stoked to wear flip-flops and skirts every day if i want. i accidentally stoked myself with a late starting class on mondays, so i don't have to be to school until noon, which is already turning out to be a blessing. being able to take my time this morning was heaven. taking a leisurely shower; changing clothes as many times as i needed to in order to be wearing clothes i felt comfortable in, without having to rush out in an outfit that wasn't working right; leaving a smidgen early and getting an iced chai; moseying to the bus stop listening to interpol (i know! i didn't listen to my book-on-cd!); even getting about 30 mins of loafing on a sunny bench before class... heaven. then my student senate made me full of rage and i wanted smash and it kinda killed my buzz.

regardless, today was heaven before student senate, and i hope it's sunny again tomorrow. i know it'll get cloudy and rainy again at least once before spring starts, but a smidgen more sunny weather before hand would be really appreciated.

oh well.


Current mood: busy

kira the grouch.

i have a lot of homework, already. i am obviously not doing it, because i am writing this instead, but it is important to note that, one week in, i have homework in all of my academic classes. and i guess, to be honest, i ought to practice the songs we're working on in chorus, though i can't read sheet music so i don't know what more i can do.
here is a brief run-down on what my classes had in-store for me this week:

statistics: "zany" ponytail guy teacher. he's nice, just trying to hard to be the cool teacher. statistics is boring enough to put a hummingbird into a coma. seriously. algebra was way cooler than this. my friend, mike, from my astronomy class (last year), is in it, too. he's a total dick but very entertaining. it'll be fine. boring, but fine.

astronomy lab: whatever. my teacher is like a teeny hobbit woman, all rosy cheeked and round. she's really nice. the rich bitch persian mafia princesses from my astronomy class (last year) are in there, too. i can't stop staring at them. i have the dueling impulses to condemn and join them. story of my life, man.

myth, symbol and the arts: different teacher than i expected, but the guy seems pretty rad. he usually teaches at another jc, so i think the class will be pretty hard. (com is like college for babies, more so than other community colleges.) the class is jam-packed. there are some real dolts in there. wowie. a christian vietnamese guy that i know from student government is in there. it'll be mildly interesting to see how he responds to the ideas put forth. he was sure to comment that science, itself, is really just a set of myths and such, like a religion. they never rest, that god squad, always shaking their pom-poms and cheering for god. my other friend named mike, from my anthropology class (3ish years ago) is in there, which is sweet. he's a peach. the class, at least on the first day, was very discussion-y, which is a pet peeve of mine. i am not paying to here the assholes in my class pontificate on a subject, i am paying to learn about it from someone who knows some actual facts about it. but i'm a grouch that way. i still haven't decided if i'll take it for a letter grade or c/nc.

evolution and heredity: radical. love the teacher, nice small class, only 3 tests and that's it...perfect. except for... that fucking nimrod who sits to my left won't shut his fucking pie hole and let the teacher talk. he likes to complete her sentences incorrectly. for example, imagine this sample of dialogue:
"okay, let's talk a bit about phenotypes. phenotypes are-"
"oh, is that the stuff that genes are made of? like, the stuff that makes up the genes?"
"um..no."
dude, if you'd stop talking, perhaps she'd be able to tell you what a phenotype is. i am a chronic hand-raiser, but i am careful not to overdo it or be that guy. that guy is an indiscriminate hand-raiser, in the sense that he raises his hand regardless of whether or not he has anything of value to contribute. or to ask questions that actively steer us off the topic at hand, for no reason. i hate him with a venom i have seldom experienced. i fear that i'll blurt something really rude at him, out of desperation. i think i was already muttering and groaning too loud. i just got so fucking fed up with hearing his voice. again, i am not paying to listen to your flap your gums, you pinhead. i'm here to hear the teacher, who actually DOES know something about this topic. he's the worst. he is hell. he is ruining my perfect class.

community chorus: i had to audition to get in. it was easy, aside from the sight-reading test, which i knew i'd botch. i'm an alto, but i impressed the teacher with my vocal range and he encouraged me to keep singing because i could easily slide up to being a soprano with some practice. woowoo. i am the youngest person in the chorus by at least 15 years. the majority of the people have been in the chorus for years, so it was really scary. i was kinda desperate for someone to talk to me. we're doing an entirely mozart show this year. um... wish i could sight-read, 'cause that shit is hard. i was tempted to quit, but i am going to stick it out. those chorus folks take that shit super seriously, though. whoa.

in other news, i have scheduled my driver's test. it is feb 17th. part of me wants to keep it a secret, so that if i fail i won't have to tell everyone because they won't know, but the other part of me feels like i need to just accept that i might fail the first time and get over it. so, yeah. the 17th.

i am also officially insured now. let's go out and drive into stuff!

okay, fine. i'll do homework now. sheesh.

p.s. what the fuck does exanimate mean? i just chose that as my emotion to see what the bouncing cat looked like.

p.p.s my package of clothes from nordstroms.com came and my new diesel watch is the time-keeping equivalent of dark chocolate (in a good way.) it is fucking tasty. i look like a tough bitch in it. grr.

Current mood: exanimate
Currently listening: Edward Scissorhands: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack By Danny Elfman

still.

i'm still really bummed about elliott smith. i know it's been a while and it should have settled in, but it hasn't, and i am still really sad and kinda pissed that he's dead.

Current mood: discontent
Currently listening : from a basement on the hill - By Elliott Smith

'first' day

today was my first day of school. it was fine. this is, like, my 13th semester or something so the thrill is kinda gone. (it's not really my 13th. it's my 9th. or something.) saw my school peops. i'll miss being someplace where i know, or at least recognize, half of my classmates.

today was also my first filling. um...novocaine is both cool and shitty. it was interesting, but also unpleasant and lasted WAY too long.

also had cramps and was cold, oh and my neck popped out of alignment as i got out of the shower. all of these were rad.

but it was still a strangely satisfying day. i am full of renewed purpose on student gubmint stuff. this is my last semester, so i really feel like i want to have something tangible to show for my time invested. i am going to pick one big goal, and two lesser goals, and really focus my attention on those and let the rest of the gubmint shit go. between school, jobs, b/f, working out, sleeping, not freaking out...i'll have a full plate.

but it's my LAST SEMESTER at junior college, and i'd endure anything to get through this. this is perhaps the biggest thing i will ever have accomplished, of my own volition. finishing high school wasn't really by choice. this is something i am finishing because i wanted to and forced myself to. it's pretty exciting. hopefully i get accepted to a college, or i'll be a bit put out.

i spent a zillion dollars in two days. between the filling, buying textbooks, and impulse shopping on nordstroms.com, i am hella po' now. but i'll have healthy teeth, be hella smart and be snazzily dressed, so, it all evens out.

Current mood: tired
Currently reading: Wizard and Glass: The Dark Tower IV (Unabridged)

as i begin school again...

i'd like to take this opportunity to reflect on my vacation. when i was little, my mom would always have a chat with me before school started, to debrief my vacation.. like a formal ending and beginning. i like that idea, to consciously enter and exit periods of my life. so, in that spirit...

* i read so much. i read that jonathan lethem book that ripped my heart out. i finished that massive neal stephenson book. i read "the curious incident of the dog in the night" or something, and it was charming. i read the first three lemony snicket books, out of curiousity, and they were pretty feeble. no harry potter, that's for sure. i read a new collection of dave eggers's short stories, which had highs and lows. i read "the league of extraordinary gentleman," which was really disappointing. those are the highlights. lots of reading.

* i made some money. i worked some, helped out my co-workers, but mostly avoided working like usual. heh. my filing job is such a cakewalk. suckers. i like to just not go. sometimes i call, sometimes i don't, but they don't really care. or, if they do, they like me and just let me. it's sweet.

* i learned to drive. (finally.) my mom bought me my first car, (which is a huge deal and was something i never thought would happen.) i am in the process of honing my driving prowess, though i have driven to petaluma and back, all over san rafael, to my job in corte madera....you know. about. i have been driving MY car about. it is cute and it works perfectly and i love my car and driving is scary and exciting and scary. i am going to call to make my appointment tomorrow, so i can be a real, licensed driver.

* i relaxed a lot. i am a creature of leisure, as anyone who knows me will tell you, and i require long, extended periods of sloth to feel whole. my loafing battery is full-charged.

* i shopped. i bought some cute clothes. i like to shop. whatever, i'm a materialistic, superficial ninny sometimes and i fucking love shopping.

* i spent some good quality time with my loved ones. i hung out lots with shannon, who hasn't been working, and i love it when we have time off together. i got to spend time with lu and tab, both together and individually. my dad took me driving and taught me to parallel park (sorta.) me and my mom impulse bought nordstoms to its knees. i didn't get to spend barely any time with ariana, which is a bummer.

i think i'm ready for the new semester. it'll be a toughie, but it's my last one in junior college, so, regardless of the difficulty, i'll make it happen and get the heck out.


Current mood: content
Currently listening : Princess Mononoke: Music From The Miramax Motion Picture - By Joe Hisaishi

no war but the class war.

that jonathan lethem book really fucked me up. i won't ramble too long about it, because i'll just get all bummed out again, but crack is really fucking lame and i hate it and if it was a person, i would dedicate my life to killing it.

what the fuck can be done about the cycle of poverty and drug usage? if there's a hell, i honestly hope that whoever created crack spends eternity there. how fucked up must your life be to have crack seem appealing? i realize i am probably being totally naive about this, and perhaps making myself look like a ninny, but how could you see what crackheads lives look like and then decide that you'd like to try it? i sort of think the same thing about heroin, but i know our society glamourizes heroin addiction to a certain extent. there is no such glamourizing when it comes to crack, though, so what the fuck?

how thoroughly must we be letting down that entire segment of our society for that to seem okay? and how fucked must their lives be that dealing this disgusting, life-ruining drug that is eroding the black people's worlds, doesn't seem absolutely beyond consideration? how could any young person, who isn't already addicted to it, think that selling it to other people, is tolerable? (i guess the same rationale goes for any drug dealing. i feel like pot is pretty harmless, unless you feel like being dim and unmotivated is harmful. heroin and cocaine can be absolutely as destructive. guess i just don't see them taking such an obvious toll on so many people. maybe i'm wrong.)

maybe i am imagining a sense of group pride or loyalty that isn't there for black peops. i don't feel a whole lot of pride in what the white folks of the world have done, because it has nothing to do with me, though i do feel a heaping sense of shame at the shitty things we've done. slavery? shitty. colonialism? totally shitty. pointless and harmful "war on drugs" (which seems to just be a war on poor black people)? super shitty. i know it's hard to focus on bettering a bunch of strangers in other places when you can't afford to feed your kids.

which is why poverty seems to be the problem. yeah, black peops seem to be blessed with a disproportionate share of the poverty, but anyone who's poor is going to be so exausted from just trying to survive that they'll get into a 'kill or be killed' mentality. obviously there are exceptions to the rule, but it seems like a safe assertion to make.

you know what the fucking problem is, don't you? capitalism. capitalism, where there is little to no safety net to catch people when they fall, is the root of all evil. imagine what it would be like if there was a certain level, financially or socially, past which it was impossible to fall. if everyone had health benefits, free quality education and guaranteed retirement at a reasonable age, no one would have to have that terrible feeling of impending disaster, like they only have enough energy to take care of themselves, so fuck everyone else. i know that there are millions of people, all over the world, who have that feeling, like they are just barely keeping everything together, and at any second it could all fall apart and they'll end up destitute. there is this mystery in economics, called the low-wage puzzle, that wonders how people making so little money can possibly survive. this mystery is a daily reality for the majory of the world's population, but also for people in our own stars-and-stripes-swaddled country.

so, poverty and capitalism are the enemies. capitalism, combined with good old american rugged individualism, is where our retarded 'pull yourself up by your bootstraps' mentality comes from. like poor people deserve their poverty, because theyre not trying hard enough to NOT be poor. or, like rich people are rich because they work the hardest. good old hard working paris hilton, right? sure, some people got rich by working hard, but some people are poor despite working their lives away. like...oh..say..the entire mid-west and rural south and all urban centers across the country. you know what? if i had more money to give, and could be assured that my tax money wasn't going to fund our fucking military, i'd be more than happy to pay higher taxes for better social services. i would be happy to know that my tax money was helping out people who needed the help, and was there in case i needed the help one day. and i don't care that there are people who abuse the system. that's not a good enough reason to stop. those people suck for abusing the system and proving all the nay-saying jerks right, but i don't care.

how about we stop keeping score and start trying to spread some fuckin' love?

how about we stop killing the iraqis, who i am starting to think might not really want our help/interference anyway, and start chasing down some of these tax-evading motherfuckers who are hoarding away all the money in the world? i always think to myself about how much money companies make, but how no one seems to be getting any richer except the rich people. all the wealth in the entire world is going into, like, 1000 pockets, and the rest of the world, myself and you included, are left fighting over the table scraps. let's wrestle some of the tasty cuts from those greedy bastards and live it up!

let's tell all the richest people in the world that being that rich makes you a fucking asshole when there are so many poor people, and put a cap on how much personal wealth any person can amass. let's tell movie stars that making millions PER PICTURE is totally uncalled for, that millions PER YEAR is more than sufficient. if you're making 20 million per picture and not giving a few million away to charity, you're a soulless bastard.

what can one sad, confused, possibly misinformed middle class white girl do to cure the ills of the world? sometimes all the things that are wrong with the world can really break a person's heart...

Current mood: infuriated
Currently reading : The Drawing of the Three: The Dark Tower II

vacation, all i ever wanted!

i have been totally M.I.A. these last few weeks, and it's been fan-fuckin-tastic! i have barely even turned my computer on. i really like not being in front of the computer. i have done lots of laundry, i went shopping at ikea, been totally domestic and lazy and cozy and read-y. i finished quicksilver, by neal stephenson (very long, entertaining, a smidgen too convoluted for attention-span, but rad, if you like mr. neal, and i do), the fifth book in the no.1 ladies detective agency series (fine, but not the best of those charming books), and now i am reading a book that is amazing and pretty sad. jonathan lethem is a fuckin' genius, people. plus, magazines and videos and even books on cd. i love vacations. i don't want to start school again. poop.

Currently reading : The Fortress of Solitude : A Novel - By JONATHAN LETHEM