resolution.

it's always a nice feeling when something has been completely plagueing you and driving you insane with worry, and then a solution presents itself that feels like the entire Universe clicking into place; like everything around you heaving a huge sigh of relief.

i've been totally losing my shit about life. everything has felt really fucked up and suffocating, not enough time in the day, too much dumb, obligatory bullshit to wade through, too much guilt... basically, i have community college senioritis and i just don't care at all about any of my classes this semester. having to keep my grades up is complete torture, because i just don't have my usual interest. then, i got laid off from one of my office jobs, but it got replaced by freelance writing, which seems neat, and will be cool to add to my resume, but means i have to spend part of my already-limited free time working on this writing project. there have been a whole bunch of really important things going on in student/college government and that has taken more time than usual. time is running out on the projects i want to get done and leave as my legacy and i barely have time to sleep, much less write proposal letters or position papers. i need to be working (job-wise) a bit more, to make money for the move to LA (which i insist on assuming is going to happen despite no acceptance yet from UCLA), and i am just sick and tired of my days being so jammed packed with stuff i don't give a crap about! i can't even read a goddamn book because i have so much school reading to do! you know me, i HAVE to read, and i just don't have the time for it. oh, and i should be spending at least an hour a day working on scholarship applications, which i obviously haven't been doing. so, life has just been feeling like it's tightening slowly around my throat.

but i think i've figured it out.

i'm going to drop one of the classes that i am taking for fun. it looks not-so-good to have that on my transcripts so close to my transfer, but it's drop the class or drop out of school entirely, so i'll do what i have to. it's my only class on tuesday, which will free up that whole day. then i can either work that day, or spend it on homework and scholarships. i'm sad, because i really like the teacher, but the class isn't turning out as awesome as it would need to in order to make the cut. sorry, myth, symbol and the arts class. you're out.

i have been a complete asshole all week because of this stress and the dilemma, and figuring out a solution that is acceptable is a HUGE weight off my mind. now i might be able to actually accomplish something, instead of lying on my bed, curled in the fetal position, whimpering about my misery.

(i know, i know. my misery is nothing compared to all the true misery in the world. but my misery is the only misery i really know, so it's all i really have to work with. i could lie in a ball and whimper about the world's misery, also, but i just don't have the time right now. it's coming though. i am reading some testimonies from kids who got kidnapped and forced to be soldiers in the civil war in uganda, and it's enough to set me off. all i really ever need to put my issues in perspective is to think about africa. dude. that's some miserable fucking misery.)

some miscellaneous notes:
-i am only just now resuming the quest for my license. sticking with driving, despite the failing of the driving test, has been quite possibly the hardest thing i have ever done, for me. i know that i have issues with doing new things, for fear of being bad at them, and that that handicaps me on a lot of levels. learning to drive is the most dramatic example, but there are a jillion more. everything in me screams to stop driving, because i did my best on the driving test and it wasn't good enough, so i suck and i should just give up. NOT giving up goes against everything i have ever taught myself. it's very difficult, but pretty amazing. if i can learn to drive and get my license, which most people do but i have had as a huge, insurmountable obstacle, then i can do anything. so, i am baby-stepping. baby-steps back behind the wheel. baby-steps to set up driver's training lessons. baby-steps to schedule my next test. (that's the biggie. i feel ill just thinking about taking that goddamn test again.) i'm not moving fast, but i'm moving, and that's what counts.

-i decided not to do homework for most of today. the rationale is: a) i have a study session at 3pm today, so i can afford to slack until then; b) i have put off doing housework (changing the bed, cleaning my filthy bathroom) for weeks because of homework, but it's got to get done; c) today is so glorious (xoxowhitney), i can not possibly be expected to get my homework done, so i won't even try. and, not doing my homework was perfection. cleaned the hizzy, chatted for a really long time with ariana, which has also been long overdo, aired out the down comforters in the sun, re-folded my sweater stacks, which had gotten pretty teetery.... everything EXCEPT homework. it was delicious and i loved it. it made having to go into broken drum for my study session less painful.

-i need a massage and a chiropractic adjustment worse than ever before.

-spring time is awesome! all the flowers are blooming! my orchids are both blooming (first time ever!), the jasmine we planted is teetering on the brink of becoming a tasty-smelling tornado of deliciousness, my tulips are finally coming up (i'd despaired that i'd screwed them up, but they are just on a different time line than the the paperwhites, i guess), the cyclamen is STILL blooming and has been for a couple of months, and even the peacelily inside is throwing off some loveliness. i have finally come into my green-thumb genes and it's pretty exciting. my mom is really proud.

-i am pondering submitting to my consumer impulses and buying a fantastic, very expensive purse. it's my first status purse and i am nervous about it, but i am pretty sure that i'm going to go for it.

-i just noticed how i switch back and forth between using contractions and the full words. that's weird. i wonder why i do that.

-i have my first solid, not-stupid, idea for a short story floating around in my brain, but i have yet to do anything about it. my parents got my chart done when my mom was pregnant with me and the astrologer said i was going to be an author, and my mom always pushes that, like it's my destiny. now shannon has started in, too. so, maybe i am getting ready to submit to my destiny. we'll see.

-me me me. i i i. sometimes i rant about world events, but today it's the kira show. forgive the narcisissm. who cares, anyway? it's my fucking blog. i'll write about whatever i want, and sometimes i just want to bitch about how hard my life is.

-to sum up.... friends are cool, school is getting old, the sun is glorious, growing things is very satisfying, learning to drive and getting my license are both more difficult than just learning the mechanics, and maybe i am an author in the making.

okay, back to the homework mines, after dinner with my sugar booger at the tasty puerto rican restaurant downtown. yumyum.

Current mood: relieved
Currently listening : The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou By Various Artists