ups and downs.

it's funny how, as the trauma levels dip, things feel almost normalish.

i mean, they're so NOT normal, but it's clear that the human brain (or, to be more specific *my* human brain) can't handle staying in a crisis state for very long.

today i met my mom at costco for some mother/daughter retail bonding. sephora and costco were both struck hard by our combined buying power.

things felt so normal, but, again, not.

we bought tons of makeup crap, which felt normal.
mom had a sephora lady help her buy some makeup for filling in mom's eyebrows since they are still gone from the chemo.
not normal.

among the shopping highlights:
mom bought us both ipod nanos. i already have an old skool 15GB one, but the little guy will be awesome for the gym. mom was itching for an ipod, too, but she's SO not in need of something video capabilities or 40GB of memory. hers is silver and mine is hot hooker pink. duh.

i bought a fastrak, which felt strangely adult.

a 5 pack of awesome calvin klein hipster undies. 

some more goddamned books. (when will i stop? i have so many unread books - i need to declare a public moratorium. NO MORE BOOKS until i finish the ones i have. furrrealz. no more. though today i bought the new michael chabon, so wheeeee!!)

and a bunch of other stuff.

i thought about impulse-buying a tattoo (which is obviously dependent on a random opening at the shop) but talked myself out of it. i want to go to the gym this evening, and i don't want my little wrappy thing falling off my sweat-slicked body. yuck.

i read an amazing, semi-life changing article from the ny times, linked from the cancer blog i subscribe to. it's about this thing they're calling 'chemo brain' which is a newly recognized longish term side effect of chemo, where people end up kinda addled and out of it. not, like, senile, but just not as sharp. that is a big part of my confusion/fear/frustration about my mom, so reading that article was a little bit of a balm on my inflamed concerns. it doesn't solve everything, but it was a help.

shannon is coming home tomorrow morning and that is fucking awesome.

i have a lot of personal work to do, that i haven't been doing, but i am no feeling overly panicked about it. i guess i am just enjoying feeling like i have a normal life again. even if it's not forever (both because of mom's cancer and because life is life and it falls apart from time to time), it feels good to have a break from feeling like a character from a soap opera.

things i am enjoying right this second:
-my little hooker pink ipod, whose name is Untz-Untz for now
-the workout pants i got from costco
-getting buttloads of free clothes from work
-work, in general, and getting to know my boss/friend
-the chunky gold signet ring that shannon bought me
-my little gold jellies, even though we got in a fight in la because they punished me harshly for my folly in wearing them all day on a hot-ass, walking-around-y day
-JUSTIN FUCKING TIMBERLAKE
-the calamity physics book i am reading. i pointed it out in my last two blogs. it's a total pleasure to read
-gina (who isn't a thing, but still)