some thoughts to share.

-while discussing how brilliantly delicious the new JT album is with lauren, while my hairs got did beautifully by her, i realized that this album is like an updated version of 'faith' by george michael. here are some commonalities i noticed. 
1) both GM and JT came from frothy boy bands.
2) both earned artistic cred with surprisingly solid solo albums.
3) both surprisingly solid solo albums were really shocking in their blatant sexuality. (i want your sex ---> bringing sexy back, futuresex/lovesound
4) both albums have really diverse sounds, with cutting-edge (at their times) production, electronic stuff, some ballady business, and different takes on the same song. (on the JT album, many of the songs switch to totally different types of songs in the middle. on GM's album, the song 'i want your sex' has parts 1 through 3.)
5) both have embarassing anti-drug songs. i skip the JT one every time.
6) both were strongly shaped by a good producer: shep pettibone for GM and timbaland for JT.


-the book i am reading (special topics in calamity physics - by marisha pessl) is like pinkberry fro yo in the following ways:
1) both are surprising, in a really good way
2) both are refreshing, which is an adjective i hesitate to use to describe literature, but is still appropriate.
3) in between bites of pinkberry, one forgets just how refreshing and delicious and exactly what- you've-always-craved-but-never-knew-about it is. then you remember all over again and marvel at it. the book is the same way. when i am not reading it, i forget how amazing and enjoyable it is, and as soon as i open it up again i am amazed.
4) both are fresh and new, but seem like they shouldn't be, because they seem pretty simple.
5) both are worth pestering your friends about. in the form of a blog, say.


-i had therapy yesterday morning. sometimes, when things are going well, therapy is a waste of time and money, because all i'm doing is telling her the same happy stories i've already told everyone in my life. (this is perhaps a problem that prolific communicators such as myself experience, and is perhaps not widespread for the general population.) 
i was thinking that yesterday would be like that, because i have been feeling really, really happy. it's like the wellspring of my angst and searching and hopelessness has just dried up. it happened really abruptly, and without warning, but it is awesome.
nothing has changed in my life. everything is still uncertain.
but i feel okay about it.
it's like i have spent the last 6 months with my jaw and fists clenched, in a fighting stance, looking in every direction for possible threats, and i just gave up. 
i can not possibly foresee every crappy thing that will happen. it's impossible. i am exhausted from being worried and scared and Ready.
so my brain has been giving me a little break.
i accidentally let go of the reins (which i think i was only pretending were reins, but were actually, like, licorice whips tied to my own beltloops or something) and i am feeling a huge sense of relief.
it's so weird.
i wouldn't go so far as to say i am my old, positive, super-sunshiney self. i don't have a sense that 'things are going to be fine.'
i think that implies that *i* will be fine with whatever happens, and that's totally not the case.
but i will obviously survive, and if i can survive this last period of mental, emotional, and spiritual torture, i can clearly live through anything.
my therapist was REALLY stoked to hear me say this stuff. 
she even gave me permission to stop beating myself up for not working on berkeley, and to just enjoy being happy for a while.
that was a big deal to hear, because that had been a little grain of sand in my vaseline jar of joy.

-one of the things i realized in therapy was how excruciatingly self-aware i have been during this whole ordeal. it's like i am my own commentator, explaining my every movement to myself. like a hushed golf commentator. i am wincing at my own mistakes, asking a rapt audience if the decisions i make are really wise, warning the viewers that that misstep might end up having tragic consequences. i am so used to my own whispered commentary that i forget it's there, but it's been gone, and i think that's a big reason why ifeel so good. instead of thinking about the way i am living, or not living, i am just living. 

-in my big talk with my mom, i had one of those magical communication moments that i was trained to reach towards. there are moments where you 'speak your truth' so purely, and with so little bullshit and personal bias and trash attached to it, that it comes out like a ray of light. you can't take responsibility, because there's no way you could have planned it. you just say it exactly the way you mean, and it feel so good and right that when it's out, there's nothing left of it inside of you. you're really done with it. even then, after those golden, magical, 10 times only in the whole course of your life moments, the feelings are there, but they don't hurt the same way. it just gets cauterized. that happened when me and my dad really mended things between us, where it was just done. the past was done. it happened, and if i really try i can dredge up the old pain, but it's not the most important thing anymore, jostling for attention. that's how my anxiety and worry and sadness and frustration with my mom feels now.

-i may be, sort of, possibly, a very little bit making up with god. a very, very little bit. but maybe it's starting. those communication events, that leave you so clean, just don't make sense unless you can have something outside of yourself to attribute it to. i am a phenomenal communicator. really, i am like a superhero of communicating, and even i could not possibly have purposely said that the right way. it's like, for a second, god jabbed me over into the passenger seat and he drove. like, he saw how important it was and knew i needed help. that's pretty sweet, i think.