not well.

okay, i'm going to be honest with myself and everyone else.
i'm not doing well.
i'm not taking care of the things that need taking care of (bills, unpacking, cleaning) and i am mostly just sitting around and staring off into space. some reading, too. i'd sleep more if i could, but i'm not very tired. i'm not eating well. my appetite is for shit so it means that when i do eat, there's more pressure to eat something good, since i might not eat again that day. but nothing sounds good, so i just eat what i can, which means i'm not eating enough fruits and veggies. i'm not talking about how i feel very much and i'm not asking for help. i don't know what i need help with, so i don't know what to ask for.
i feel like, because i'm not returning calls much, that i've made people think that i don't want to talk, or that i don't need to talk. which is sometimes true - sometimes i can't handle talking. i can almost never handle calling back, though.
i think about people all the time. i know we're all dealing with a lot right now, and i think about everyone's loads: lizzi searching for her path post-college; ana keeping her family together; poor mike crushed in a car accident; shannon bearing the brunt of our finances and struggling breathe as the mystery mold in our house tries to smother him; lu carving out a life for herself surrounded by new people and places; ellie's body betraying her; suzanne working so hard, but never making enough to relax; theo learning how to be single again, worrying about his mom... everyone, i am always thinking about you. even those of you whose burdens are too private to talk about here. or even if your burdens are just the normal burdens: getting dressed in clothes that don't make you feel stupid; working in a job you're not loving; trying to find meaning in your life; getting your bills paid; keeping it together, just being you. i know that just being you, with no added stuff, can be nearly unbearable sometimes.
but right now i am barely surviving.
i wish i was able to take an active role in everyone's problems, and help lift even a corner of the weight you all carry.
and i am ashamed to need more help from people, when i know how hard you're all working, just to make it happen, to do the best jobs you can at being you.
but i need more help.
i am so afraid of fucking this all up.
i worry that everyone is tired of me needing help.
i worry that i have totally blown my mom's memorial party and no one will show up.
i worry that i am going to waste the money mom left me and i won't be able to afford to keep the house and i'll have nothing to show for the money.
i am so worried that mom will be disappointed by the party.
i know, i know.
i have had this conversation with myself an unlimited number of times.
if there is a state of being beyond life as we know it, mom is probably a being of pure light, past disappointment and judgment. and even if she's retained some of her personality from this life, she feels nothing but love and compassion for me, because that's who she is.
and i know that if there's nothing after this life, then mom is totally gone and really, REALLY doesn't care about her party.
but *i* care.
i feel like there should be a national day of mourning for her. streets should be closed and they should be paced with mourners who are all feeling her loss as deeply as me. there should be elephants and balloons and speeches that last for days because people don't want to stop talking about her.
that's what she deserves.
and i feel like i'm a huge failure because all i can manage is the fucking fairfax community church and more people have told me they weren't coming than that they were and it's my fault because i didn't sent the invitation out until it was too late.
and i'm so, so mad.
please don't take this personally, but i am furious at anyone who had plans they aren't willing to break for my mom's party. what could be more important to anyone in the world than my mom's memorial? how can anything matter to anyone aside from this? nothing in my life will ever matter more than losing my mom. and it's lonely feeling like that's rare, like other things for other people might take precedence.
i find myself in a strange situation.
i blog about how i'm feeling because it's therapeutic for me, and sometimes i don't even know how i'm feeling unless i am talking/writing about it. so, in that sense, this is for me. it's personal.
but on the other hand, people i know (and don't know) read it - people who might be written about, or who might have their feelings hurt by me saying i'm mad at people for not coming to the party. i don't want to use my blog to soothe people's hurt feelings because i'm not really writing for them to read it and feel bad, or as a way to communicate something that i am not able to communicate in real life. i am writing it for myself, so i can get my emotions untangled inside myself. i don't actually need anything done about it. identifying the problem largely eliminates it. while i am sad, or confused, about people having other plans, i also really do understand. there are people dying at every second and i am able to keep breathing or reading or driving even as i know that, while for each person who dies there is probably someone who has been gutted by their loss. even people who i liked a lot, or cared for, or who were very important to people i care about, they might die and i'll go on with my day largely unaffected, aside from some thoughts of pity or sympathy for that person's loved ones. our brains are smart to ration out the pain, to keep it saved for special occasions. imagine the difficulty of living in a world where every death in the world was as immediate as the loss of a loved one. it would be impossible.
so, i understand. i really do. and, upper case me (which is a distinction my mom made, upper-case You - your best version of yourself, and lower-case you - the part that is in the middle of the muck sometimes) totally knows that this loss isn't as vast for some people as it is for me. in fact, it might be that i am truly alone in the scope of my feelings of loss, and that's not good or bad, it just is, maybe. i know that people need to take care of themselves, and sometimes taking care of themselves might mean not coming to my mom's party. i really do understand that, and i am not going to be making a list of people who didn't come, which i'll repeat to myself every night before i fall asleep, so that i can remember their sins and continue to punish them for it. it's really okay.
and, lower-case me thinks it sucks and is probably my fault, because i waited too long to tell people, or because people just don't care at all.
so this is all a conversation/struggle in my head, that doesn't have much to do with anyone but me.
i cried about a million times today. about everything and nothing, i just cried. i felt like i might break down at every single second of the day. every question that needed answering was almost too much. i seriously considered just sitting down in the health food store, on the floor, out of the way, and crying. i could barely laugh, barely smile, barely manage to uphold my end of the human-to-human interaction contract.
i just feel like i'm broken. you know, not irreparably, but i have maybe given up the task of being 'together.'