how am i doing?

fine, i think.
i had more 'mom's not really dead' dreams this week. two in two nights.
i don't remember the first one.
in the second one, i caught mom watching me from my closet.
she tried to disappear before i saw her, but i caught her.
there was some discussion about what she was doing, why she was hiding.
in these dreams i am always aware that mom died, so i am really reluctant to just surrender to my joy at having her back. i am skeptical, waiting for her to go again, and it's hard for me to be excited about her being back. i usually have to have the same conversation with her everytime - aren't you dead? then what are you doing here? how long will you be here? will you be back?
so, after that conversation, i took her hand, to lead her around and show her off to the house full of people who were over.
i stopped on the way out of the room, and asked her if it was okay for me to show her off, and told her i didn't want to get her in trouble, if showing up to the living was violating a rule of some kind or something.
she patted my hand and said, 'you don't have to worry. i'm pretty high up.'
so, in my dream, mom is like a vp in heaven or something.
but then, of course, she's not really visiting from beyond the grave, and when i wake up i have to remember all over again that she's dead.
shannon said he felt like he would enjoy those dreams.
they're really distressing to me. i am so aware that she's not back forever, and so afraid of having to start missing her again from the beginning that in the dreams i am afraid and mad.
and waking up from the sweetness of having her back, even for a little bit, just for a hug or something, or to smell her neck, and having to know it's not real, is painful.
i'm pissed at my subconscious for constantly dumping these on me.
i know it's a choice, but i'd just prefer the real deal, as opposed to a dream. if it's just the dream, i'd rather just not.
i made some calls i've been avoiding.
called social security to tell them mom died. i've been avoiding it, but i don't really know why. i was worried that i'd have to give them money back, in case they've given mom some payments since she died. i don't want them to think i'm trying to rob the system or something. but they had been informed by the funeral parlor, so it was fine.
i also called the tax collector's office to have them send proof of payment to my mortgage company. i was delinquent on my property taxes, but i finally paid them, and i need to prove that to my mortgage company, so they don't punish me soundly. the tax collectors were nice and were fine with faxing the confirmation to the mortgage people for me, which was very nice.
i started a file for my files called 'yumi' which is the name of mom's/my farm. in it, i made files for property tax and mortgage. probably next will be insurance. i need to call about changing the policy since i have a 'tenant' now. and, by tenant, i mean a squatter who i am paying to live in my house.
i'm still chewing on the allen nonsense.
i talked to my uncle on the phone for a long time yesterday, about allen and what i should do. he didn't offer suggestions about it, but reminded me that i need to decide what mom would have preferred.
i want to make sure that, whatever decision i make, i am making it for the right reasons.
i don't want to not give him money from the sale of the car just because i don't want to and i don't have to. i don't feel like that's a good enough reason.
and i don't want to give him money because mom would have, because mom was in love with him and i am totally not.
i also don't want to be giving him money because i am afraid of him freaking out and being insane. i am not going to get in the habit of just doing what he wants because i'm afraid of him.
so, i still have some pondering to do.
i'm just slowly, carefully, steadily chewing on the issues facing me.
i just do what i can, everyday. i'm doing a mostly successful job of not beating myself up for not doing enough. i'm keeping it to a minimum, at least.
my car is still full of shit from mom's party. my office area is better, but my no means fixed. my side of the bedroom is better, but not done. i need to vaccum and change the sheets on the bed, in case we have mold spores in there that are upsetting shannon. i have been thinking a lot about writing, but not actually writing. also cooking. thinking a lot, but not doing.
all of these things are things i am able to beat myself up for, but which i am mostly not.
i talked to a bunch of people yesterday, each for a satisfying length of time, and i was really thankful for that.
i have such a hard time connecting with people sometimes. well, mostly just reaching out. it's a challenge for me even in the best of circumstances, so in a time like this, it's especially hard for me. but every time i do, i remember why it's so important to me.
i had a meltdown in costco a few days ago. me and mom used to go to costco all the time, together, and i hadn't really thought of that. i just underestimated the difficulty of it. i did some head-down-on-the-handle-of-the-shopping-cart crying. surrounded by the caliber of shopper who invariably fills costco in the middle of the day on a weekday, in the kid's clothing aisle, with the smells of instant mashed potatoes wafting to me from the sample table behind me, i cried over missing my mom. seeing the value packs of brightly colored sharpies, i cried.
god, it's not a very dynamic way to state the situation, but i just missed her so much.
i don't know if i like costco without my mom there.
alright, i'm taking myself to a matinee.
oh, before i forget.
i was thinking about britney spears, as we all are, and thinking about how ashamed her parents must be. having a kid with a drug problem, or who gets into a life of crime, those are things that can be related to genetics or the community surrounding them, but her story is not attributable to anything other than a massive failure in parenting. it's like her entire existence is saying, 'my parents totally dropped the ball.'