brave.

today i told allen that i wasn't going to give him a portion of the money from the sale of mom's car.
i woke up full of vim and vigor, and i hopped out of bed with shannon and got dressed, so i wouldn't be tempted to slink off to bed after he left for work.
after accomplishing three (3) things on my to do list, before 9:30am, i felt like a million bucks, and i thought, fuck it. i'm going for it.
so i did.
it was scary, but i have to say, i was terribly proud of both of us.
i did an excellent job of not backing down; being firm but kind; not crying or making a big deal out of him wanting me to give him the money.
he did an excellent job of not turning into a psychopath; he pressed the point, but in a totally tasteful normal person way; he suggested he call my uncle, our unofficial mediator, which was an excellent idea.
i felt really encouraged.
i spend SO much time worrying about the Allen Situation.
i spent hours, cumulatively, worrying about what to do about The Car Situation.
how do i tell him no?
he's going to go ape shit!
maybe i should just give it to him.
but really, why? is there any good reason why i should give it to him, aside from just wanting to keep him from going bonkers?
no.
but still.
maybe i should.
but i don't want to get in the habit of just giving him whatever he asks for because i am afraid of him.
but i also don't want to say no, just because i can, and because i'm trying to assert my independence.
the big question: What Would Mom Do? W.W.M.D.?
well, mom would probably give him the money,
but she'd give him the money because she's in love with him and wants him to be happy.
i am not in love with him, and am letting him live in my house, rent-free, for a year, for which i haven't been thanked.
so, mom would probably give him the money, but she would support me doing what i think is best, because she trusts me, which is why she made me the executor of the will. (not the executioner. that's different.)
so, i just have to trust myself to make a decision that mom would understand, understanding that this is a deal between me and allen, who have had a VERY turbulent relationship, not between mom and allen, who had a largely peaceful relationship.

so, i'm not giving it to him.
i just couldn't think of a single good reason why i should, aside from that he wants it, which isn't a good enough reason. what claim does he have? what has he done to deserve it? none, nothing.
and i came up with a really good alternate use for the money, that made me feel really, really happy after i thought of it. i don't want to talk about it, because i am still working out the details, but i can tell you that mom would've been STOKED on it. i can imagine her clapping her hands, giggling over it. seriously.
so, it was resolved and it worked out fine.
i was a tigress, but a kind tigress.
allen was a grizzly bear, but an old, mellow grizzly bear.
i felt very sad saying 'no,' because it made me wish that i *wanted* to give it to him.
does that make sense?
he has done so little to make me feel inclined to go out of my way for him, and if he had, i might feel more like just biting the bullet and giving the money to him.
but dude.
a year of free rent is a sweet deal. AND 30% of the sale of the house.
so, he's doing fine.
but he's just not that appreciative of the whole 'free rent' thing because that's what he's used to from living with mom.
oy.
i can't wait until some other lady takes him off my hands.
in other news of my daring feats, i have have started cooking dinner for me and shannon for pretty much the first time ever.
i am very nervous about cooking, mostly because i am afraid of making mistakes, but i just decided to go for it, which is not at all like the old me, but *is* like the new me.
so, i made a marinade today, for a chicken dish i'll cook tomorrow.
and tonight, we had grilled buffalo steaks (with some oregano and rosemary on them), roasted broccoli with pecans, and black beans!!
not bad for someone who is afraid to make grilled cheese sandwiches.
i am continuing to impress myself.