where now?

understandably, i haven't felt too bloggy the last few days.
everyone has a constant chorus going - take it easy, take it easy.
so, i guess i've been taking it easy.
the ladies decided to go to the last couple of days of burning man, which i think was a great idea. a nice cathartic release of emotion sounds like it might be just the ticket.
i might have given up my life-long refusal to attend were it not for the amount of preparation involved. they left saturday, the day after mom died, and even thinking about the packing/buying involved made me feel a little panicked. so i decided to sit it out.
i don't really know what to do with myself, on a minute to minute basis.
i'm not tired enough to sleep all the time.
my book is good, but not so good that i'm feeling like disappearing into it.
no food sounds good.
no location sounds appealing.
before they left for burning man, me and the ladies had decided to have mom's memorial party this weekend (sept. 8th or 9th). i felt nervous about it, and just thinking about all the calls and preparation made me feel exhausted, but for a few good reasons, we decided that that would be the weekend. then, our move to petaluma, which has previously been scheduled for that weekend, would get pushed back a week, to the 15th. fine. scary, but possibly doable.
but this weekend was labor day, so no one was in the office all weekend, so no movement could happen on the party until today (tuesday) which was scary. i only had 2 ideas for where to have it, and if they were booked, i'd have to start over. i don't really know how to do this, and rushing it felt like a necessary evil.
however, upon consultation with my dad and step-mom, i'm rethinking the date.
they were a bit aghast at how soon the party was going to be.
why so soon, they asked?
it's not like she's jewish, so there's a time limit or something, they said.
and, upon further consideration, i'm forced to concede that rushing it felt terrible. already there were all sorts of people who couldn't come, because they had plans that couldn't be changed. i want the turnout to fully represent the impact that my mom's life had on people, and that can't really happen if we're throwing the whole thing together.
so, let's wait on the party.
daddy and linda reminded me that mom only died a few days ago.
they're right.
i just don't know how to do this. (not that anyone really does.)
in other news, my iphone is completely amazing.
see? life goes on.
mom's die, but iphones keep being awesome, dogs keep rolling in things that smell, dark roots in blonde hair need to be touched up, hummingbirds flit around like little nectar-sipping jewels, tides go in and out.
my grief and loss is just a tiny piece of the whole world's activity. not that it's not vast for me, because it is, but nothing lasts forever, even the urgency of my grief. time wears it all down.
that's reassuring to me.