checking in.

here is a list, in no particular order, of various things i'd like to mention.

1) i spent 4 days with brett and gina, in la. while la is not usually a vacation destination, in the sense that one isn't really getting away from it all by going there, this trip was absolutely a vacation. they took total care of me, made me feel welcome and loved, and offered me a break from the minute-to-minute difficulty of just figuring out how to be in my post-mom life. we ate amazing food, lounged by the pool, got a truly life-changing spa treatment at the olympic spa, shopped at h&m, saw a teenage emo band play in anaheim... pretty much everything that i needed. the trip absolutely goes in the 'the best' column of my 'the best/worst year ever' list. it was so good that i almost immediately wanted to turn around and fly back, rather than face the realities of my life. mom's death, her house to manage, what to do about allen, packing my house, paying my bills... i felt like i wasn't ready to stop laying in the sun, by the pool, yet.

2) last night was rosh hashanah, at the pleasant hill fishers' house. i successfully fought down a wave of panic at arriving to a house filled with mostly unfamiliar faces, and made myself proud by consciously attempting to be approachable and friendly, though i felt scared and shy and sad. a candle was lit (passive voice, i know) for the people who weren't with us, my mom and the wife of a precious old man, whom i hadn't met before, but whose wife had passed within the past two weeks, also, just like mom. i cried a little bit. the vibe was typically boisterous and friendly, plenty of wine (though i was feeling headachey and didn't drink more than an inch) and i stuffed myself on kugel. my uncle, ron, stopped by to say 'hi' and informed me matter-of-factly that he reads my blog all the time. (hi, ron!) i continue to be surprised by how many people read my blog. i always imagine it being, like, 12 people. ron tried his darnedest to embarrass me by telling shannon and tab about me singing at family events when i was little, but it came as no surprise to them. i think i was largely successful in chatting normally with people, though i still feel pretty hollowed out. it felt like family, though, which means more and more to me as i get older.

3) tab and i drove lu to the airport yesterday morning, so she could fly to nyc and begin the next chapter of her life there. a mr. bean-esque episode ensued, where the three of us wrestled with lu's phenomenally large bags (seriously body bag sized), tugging, dragging, pulling, pushing them to the ticket counter for checking and weighing, only to see the luggage porter pile the just-checked behemoths neatly on a little smart carte and wheel them away tidily. we all ate a deeply mediocre breakfast at emporio rulli, and bid mostly tear-free adieu to lu, who'll be returning for mom's memorial party in a couple of weeks anyway. lu called in the evening, after her arrival, to say her neighborhood is amazing, and to tell me to come visit. so, i am. i'm flying out for 4 days next week. the nice thing about right now is being able to just do that, just go somewhere if i feel like i want to. the tricky thing is figuring out whether or not i want to.

4) speaking of mom's memorial party, we picked a location and set a date. the date is sunday, 0ctober 7. i'll be sending out a mass email, to let people know when it is, and give more details. just wanted to let you know ahead of time.

5) we're moving tomorrow, to our new place, in petaluma. tonight is our last night as renters. if anyone would like to help us move, feel free to join us at 11am at our soon-to-be-ex house, in fairfax, for loading of the truck.

6) i continue to be awed and humbled by how much space everyone has for me to be really needy and raw. i keep expecting people to tell me i should be done with my neediness, or tell me to do it myself (whatever it is), and it keeps not happening. hopefully my nervousness about being greedy or selfish with act as a natural deterrent for me, keeping me from getting overly dependent on other people helping me so frequently. i really am finding managing my life difficult, from packing for the move to planning mom's party, paying bills, making business calls, eating enough, sleeping enough. everything. it's weird how i can be so fine and not fine, at the same time. i cry a little bit, most days, but i pretty much just drift through the day, doing what i feel like i can handle. it's anxious-making to be so ungrounded, or maybe unfocused is the right word, but i keep telling myself to just be wherever i am. so, if i'm unfocused and confused and sad and mad and tired and shy, that's okay. i can't help it, anyway, so i might as well get off my own back and let myself do my thing.

7) i drank some amazing juice yesterday. cucumber, apple, lemon, ginger root. really tasty.

8) i'm okay. you guys don't need to worry about me. i know you probably understand that i have a lot going on in my head, and i feel like i am buffeted through my life by a steady, warm breeze of good wishes and positive thoughts, sent by my loved ones all over the place. i just don't want anyone to worry that i am not writing because i am melting down, or something. it's like my mom's death, and my new post-death life, are a block of cheese the size of a house. all of it needs to be eaten and digested eventually. probably, i will grow to appreciate the taste by the end, and might even look back fondly on that time i had to eat that huge block of strong cheese, but right now, i can only handle it in teeny nibbles. so, i am nibbling, and i am fine, and i am thankful to have you all in my life, in whatever capacity you are in it.