i am feeling a little bit stopped up, emotionally.
i keep getting on the verge of crying, and then it just dries up.
i don't know if i am subconsciously backing myself away from it, for fear that if i start i'll never stop, or if i'm just not there right now.
i was looking at the pictures of my mom, that i posted in the blog from the day she died, (a blog which came out looking lame from a formatting perspective, but which is too intense to re-do) and then reading the entry from the day before, about her skin looking waxy and her breathing sounding terrible.
again, it hit me that i was writing about my mom.
i wonder if it'll get less surprising over time.
i still get surprised by recalling that my grandmother died, and that was 3 years ago. i'll think to myself, 'holy crap! i haven't called grandma in a million years! i can't even remember the last time i talked to her. i'm such an asshole. i need to call her.'
and then i'll remember that she's dead.
my dad says he does the same thing, too.
i wonder how long it takes for the surprise to wear off.
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
that's why i'm so rad.
Posts
2 comments:
Sounds like you're still in the "numb" phase of the whole thing. I didn't really feel like *anything* for a few days after. I cried and felt sad and stuff, but it wasn't like I was *really* crying, if that makes sense. There was a lack of emotion to it, I think. It kind of sounds like what you're describing.
When you mention the surprise part of it... well, that never really goes away. The feeling comes less often as time progresses, but it's still just as strong and still will set you reeling when you realize she's not there anymore. To this day I still see something that makes me instantly go "Oh! I should call mom and ask her about that kind of coffee..." and then the surprise comes. It fucking sucks. Yet, like I said... it comes less often now. Never really gets any easier; I guess I just learned to deal with it over time.
p.s. You may want to check this book out: . I know it sounds kinda ghey, but yeah. it helps.
I also recommend this one:
The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning
(although it's got Jewish in the title, it's still got a lot of good things to say and I've heard from non-Jewish friends that they still found helpful stuff in it. You may want to flip through it at a bookstore and see if it's up your alley.
Anywhoo... hope this helps.
Post a Comment