mortality attack.

i am supposed to go xmas shopping with my mom today, and, uncharacteristically she hasn't called me yet today about it. i called her office earlier and the lady who answered said she'd left for the day, at, like 1:30pm. i was a bit confused, because i didn't know she was leaving, but i called her cellphone, left a message, called home, left a message. time passes, i call her again, still no answer, no response to the messages. so, characterisically, i assume, well, it's not like her not to call, so if she's not calling, it must be something serious, therefore she must have gotten in an accident and is possibly in the hospital, or dead by the road and no one's found her. (seriously, i think this stuff.) i start feeling kinda panicky, tears start coming to my eyes, imagining her dead, how i'd handle that, how lonely it makes me feel just to think about it...etc. so, i decide, as i'm sniffling, to call her office again, just to see where she said she was going, thinking, maybe she's in a hair appointment, trying not to panic but still starting to cry. turns out she's at the xmas party for the company, at another site. which explains why she's not home, or answering her cell. duh.

and i do this, the assuming that if the person was ALIVE, they'd have called, ALL THE TIME.

anyone who knows me well knows that's totally remarkably neurotic of me, and, while a common behavior trait, not really consistent with my personality. it's so annoying. i have pictured everyone i love, dead, by the side of the road, unfound. i am ready to let go of this totally unhelpful mental pattern. seriously.

Current mood: embarrassed
Currently listening : Logic Will Break Your Heart - By Stills