weekend.

i went on my whirlwind vacation to la this weekend.

driving away from stef's house, after dropping off the dog for the weekend, i felt, for the the first time since december, this feeling of freedom. i had a weekend where i could do whatever i wanted, and i didn't need to worry about anyone else, or take care of them.

then i fretted for a while about the dog, and her hating it at stef's maybe, and felt like a dick for going away and leaving her. but i went anyway, because i wanted to.

shannon's plans changed for work, so i ended up spending almost all of the weekend with lucy, with was AWESOME. we ate at gingergrass and had pinkberry and drove out to the ocean on sunset and get treated like crap at the american apparel on robertson and almost crippled ourselves in our new jellies, which i now have a more restrained passion for. they are not appropriate shoes for a 100 degree, walking-intensive day. lesson learned. i got some sleep and relaxed and finished my book, to which i say 'nyeh.' ('heir to the glimmering world' - by cynthia ozick. wiser people than me with find this book luminous, darkly magical, transporting, full of engaging characters and a wise narrator. i, on the other hand, being less wise, found it depressing, meadering, pointless, and full of characters whose fortunes i lost interest in long, long before the final page. i am not this woman's target audience, clearly. i will say, the cover and title are lovely, and it was beautifully written. i just didn't appreciate it. it made me feel stupid.) i hung out with shannon coworkers in the evenings, after they'd all get off work. i spotted a single celebrity (eva longoria - who i could not possibly care less about and who looked exactly like you imagine her to). i drove a funny little rental car. i saw new and familiar sights. i was reminded what my manfriend's face looked like in person, and had my love and like for him reaffirmed.

overall, very satisfying.

today i spent time with gina, which made me miss her and la much, much more. (i miss lucy all the time, and my missing of her is not linked to location.) 

and i return home to a mailbox stuffed with mom's medical bills that need dealing with, a precious furry dog who is hella stoked to see me, an uncertain future, suitcases to unpack, plants that are dying of thirst... it just never ends. the things that need doing, the things to nurture and renew never, never end, and while that is precious, and caring for things is precious and special, it is also kinda scary to me, and menacing. like, i'll never be free again now that i have consented to care for things and people. if i go away for a long vacation, dogs and plants must be tended. 

as i move closer to having kids, and attempt to wrap my brain around that, i am getting more afraid of losing my childish independence. it's funny that i am even worried about it because i am traditionally freaked out by over-broad horizons, and have used long-term relationships as a way to safely clip my own wings. but kids is the next level in some ways. 

i am not interested in getting locked into the idea that having kids automatically means giving up on the idea of having your own life. i think that's untrue, and i am certain that kids can feel that slow, seeping resentment that comes from that, a message that says clearly: my life would be awesome if you hadn't come along. or, you ruined everything.

i think that it's totally possible to do what you want with kids - move to europe, travel, have friends and careers, fulfill dreams. but i also have no idea how that would look, because i haven't known many people who did it. 

coming home to a house empty of other humans, after spending time with people i love, was pretty sad. having shannon gone has REALLY highlighted how much i prefer having people around. it's not an aversion to being alone, because i love spending time alone. i have no trouble facing myself and don't need to distract myself with other people or fun. i just really, really like having people alone. i am not a very happy solo-liver.

alright. a movie, then bed. unpacking can wait until tomorrow.

p.s. so far the new book i'm reading is fantastic.