white woman's guilt.

i'm not sure what it means that i haven't been writing here.
i haven't been writing anywhere, really.
haven't worked on my book seriously in months.
haven't meditated.
i dunno.
i feel a little off kilter, but not dramatically so. just a smidge.
i'd like to be doing those things more.
but not enough to actually do them apparently.

one thing i have been doing is pilates.

did i mention i'm doing teacher training to become a pilates instructor?
i am.
here's where i'm doing it.
it's fantastic.
it's changing my life.
i'm excited, proud, challenged - everything good.
i'm doing pilates about 5 times a week, and feeling stronger, so cool.

that's not really what i want to write about right now, though. maybe a little bit not really.

i want to talk about me feeling guilt over my lifestyle.

so, i'm not working.
that's not new.
i've come close to looking for a job a few times in the last year or so, but shannon felt like having me at home, managing the house and taking care of the dog, would be worth more than whatever smallish amount of money i'd be bringing in. and, given my eternal 'nyeh' over working, and general lack of vocation to speak of, i am totally fine with that set up. i'm actually not that good at being a a housewife and have really had my shortcomings thrust at me through this, but i'm developing really helpful habits, which make me an infinitely easier person to live with, i think.

so, i'm not working.
i'm married.
my husband is really handsome.
though we have our ups and downs, and went through a rough patch there a little while back, we're really happy together and totally in love.
we own our own home. (well, the bank owns it and we're buying it from the bank, but you get my meaning. our monthly payments are going towards something that we will eventually reap the benefits of, unlike renting. the fact that most of the payment goes to interest in the loan isn't the topic of discussion right now, but it should be, some day. fucking banks.)
i have awesome hair.
i get many services, that are very pricey, done for me for free, or at huge discounts, by incredibly talented friends.
i have many of the things that one pictures when they're thinking of success in the modern world and money. (new mac laptop, newish iphone, multiple ipods, gucci sunglasses, etc.)
i spend a very large portion of my time working out, doing a type of exercise that is usually insanely expensive.
i travel to fun places fairly often (LA, NYC, BALI!!!).
my body is pretty close to what the magazines say it should be. i'd be a plus size model for sure, but i'm in proportion and i'm closer to the ideal, physically, than a lot of people are.
one of my main responsibilities is to look after my dog, who is pure bred.
i am able to shop at whole foods (whole paycheck) exclusively, unless i feel like going to trader joe's for something.
my hair care and skin care products cost more than some people's haircuts.
i don't have kids, by choice, which means i only have to worry about myself, my (ridiculously handsome) husband and my pets.

what i'm saying is, i am living a life that a lot of people might consider perfect.
i'm not complaining.
my life is freaking awesome.

but, because i'm a human being and this is our eternal struggle, i experience unsatisfactoriness.
sometimes i lie in bed and dread going to the dog park AGAIN.
my hair looks wonky, or flat, or boring.
my forehead is short (really more of a threehead) and i can't have heavy bangs like i'd like to.
my skin and hair care products refuse to change my life the way the magazines tell me they will.
i want MORE things.
i tried on bikinis at target yesterday and looked WRETCHED. like, dimpled and jiggle and bulgey. really, really bad.
for all my working out, i look nearly the same as i always have, as far as i'm concerned. i'm not in smaller clothing sizes, for one thing.
i feel like i'll never lose weight, never look good in a bathing suit, never wear shorts or a short skirt without a hint of shame and fingers crossed that no one looks too closely.
i wish my mom was still alive.

what i mean is, i'm just like everyone else.
i want things that i can't have.
i don't want to do the things i have to do.
i am not happy with the hand (or midriff) i've been dealt.
i wish i was younger still.
i regret choices i've made.

and every time i say anything remotely negative about my situation, or express anything other than blissful contentment, i get scolded by people for being unappreciative of what i have.

it's gotten to the point where i am leery of even sharing my negative feelings about things, for fear i'll offend someone.
i feel like i need to couch everything in apologetic terms "this thing happened and it sucked. (i know, rough life.)" "totally stoked on my life, but wish i didn't have this thing to deal with." why am i apologizing for having the feelings i have? am i not allowed to experience unsatisfactoriness because i have a great life?

and what makes people think that not working, or having money at all, automatically means blissful contentment? do rich people seem happier to you? their families more functional?
look at ebenezer scrooge, man. he was rich a hell and he was miserable!

so, spoiler alert, guys: having money doesn't solve all your problems. it solves some. it creates others. me not having to work doesn't change the fact that my forehead is too short for the bangs i like so much on other people. it doesn't make me 17 again. it doesn't bring my mom back.

all it means is that i have more hours in the day to myself, which also doesn't solve anything. still not writing. still manage to piss entire days away sometimes. still mismanage my money, wish i had more/new/better clothes. still wondering which handbag will complete me as a person. still not doing anything about darfur.

it's true, i'm not sacrificing my life for kids, or having to make serious budget cuts, or wasting hours of my day and years of my life at a job i resent.

but i don't have everything figured out, and i still struggle with life, and i have just as much right to wrestle with my problems as someone who lives in section 8 housing, or someone with cancer, or someone with alopecia. i don't feel like my not needing to work cancels out my right to expect compassion over the things i struggle with, even if they're not life or death struggles.

you know what?
i don't know many people who are dealing with situations that are literally life or death.
and agreed, in the grand scheme of things, i fully recognize that i am lucky to have a torso at all, or a threehead, or an undervalued home. yes, i am lucky to be alive and not being raped a bunch in a refugee camp. we all are. does that mean that the people who are facing foreclosure on their houses don't get to worry about their problems? are they supposed to just be thankful for the fact that they're not facing refugee camp rape, and shut up about their financial concerns?
because if so, i expect a GREAT deal less complaining from pretty much everyone in the entire world, outside of palestine and darfur, 'kay?

of course i am thankful for my life.
my life is amazing.
that goes without saying.
if you hear me posting FML stuff, then you're welcome to tell me to shut up.
actually, you know what? even then, i'm allowed to be bummed for a while.

body.

hey!
it's been a while!
i'm not going to get into a recap.
i'm fine.
doing well.

but i'm here to talk about something specific.
i'm having some body issues.

i just started pilates teacher training.
it's very exciting, but mostly totally terrifying.
i never did sports. i never took dance or gymnastics. PE was often the only class keeping me from getting straight A's in grade school. i have never been in great shape. i've always been a reader, or a TV watcher, or a sitter-arounder-and-chat-and-smoker.
but when i was grieving so intensely the winter after mom died, i spent a lot of time working out. i did a lot of cardio and i did weight training at the gym. and i really liked it! i was very, very surprised because i'd never really enjoyed anything athletic before, but it totally hit the spot for me.
then i fizzled some on the gym, and i've been pretty sporadic about it, up until a couple of months ago, when i got really serious again.

i work out for many reasons, but the main one is that i want to lose weight and have a better body. when i was working out before i totally didn't see a difference, at all. shannon swears he did, but i don't really remember him ever telling me. i was mindful of what i ate, but i didn't sweat it too much. so i always assumed that the reason i never noticed more of a change, with my sudden dramatic increase in exercise, was that i wasn't eating right. maybe i needed to decrease my calories?

so this time around i've been trying to monitor really closely. i'm counting calories. i'm logging work outs. i'm measuring myself and weighing myself. and i'm still not really seeing anything.

so, it's only been a couple of months. that's one factor, i'm sure. i'm 30 and i'm sure my metabolism is slowing down, so i need to be patient. i still eat some carbs, and have to really struggle to keep myself away from sweets. i should probably quit all breads, but no carb diets just aren't sustainable, and i don't think carbs are inherently bad. i'm all about some complex carbs. but i should definitely quit sugar, and maybe gluten.

i dunno.

i'm just feeling really discouraged. i'm working so hard and it's hard to want to keep going when you're not really seeing the results. i know the goal is to be healthier overall, and it's a lifestyle change, not just trying to get thinner, but let's be realistic... I WANT TO LOSE SOME FUCKING WEIGHT.

i'm starting to get a little bit crazy. i feel like everywhere i go there are women/girls of all ages who have way better bodies and in my head i semi-obsess over what they know that i don't know. i lost a bunch of weight right before i met shannon, because i was eating these gross energy bars for breakfast and lunch and drinking tons of coffee and smoking cigarettes. one of his first orders of business after we met was to wrench the nasty bars from my hands, and shame me into smoking less, and i totally gained all the weight back, which is obviously fine and much better. but on some level, i consider buying a case of those bars from costco. i consider only eating bars, and taking vitamins and drinking water. i sometimes feel like i can only handle total control (basically anorexia, which i absolutely don't have) or no control (eating whatever.)

i don't really think i'm "fat" by conventional standards, and i'm totally within my healthy weight range for my height. but i don't want to be on the outer edge. i want to be in the middle, or towards the lower end. i am sick of feeling like i'm a bit chubby, or being embarrassed about my soft tummy. i feel like my difficulty losing weight is a total condemnation of my willpower, that i'm weak and a quitter and can't do it.

the person i see in the mirror is different all the time. somedays i feel nearly willowy, which is kinda my dream. many, many says i wake up feeling gigantic. not really gigantic. just kinda swollen. big. heavy. ungainly.

i'm trying to forge a new relationship with my body, after barely communicating with it for about 27 years. i don't understand how it works and i find it totally mystifying and very frustrating.

i wish i could see myself through a few other people's eyes, so i could get a better sense of how i'm doing and what i look like.

anyway, i'm not quitting. i'm going to be a pilates teacher someday, and so help me god, i will not be the chubby teacher. (i go to spin class and whenever there's a chubby teacher i can't help but wonder if they're doing it right, because if you're doing spin all the time, i'd think you'd we 90 lbs.) i'm not quitting, i'm going to keep on working on it and i'm not going to give up.

but i'm really discouraged and afraid nothing i do will make any difference, i'm just destined to be 'the birth of venus' forever. it could be worse.

it can't fail!

okay, so i have had a brilliant idea and i am basically on the brink of becoming a millionaire.

here's where it came from...
shannon and i went out to dinner at a mexican place we used to eat at all the time but then stopped going to. immediately upon finishing the meal, it became clear why we never eat there anymore...it makes shannon ill.

oops.

so i thought, 'sometimes you eat something and wish you hadn't a kinda want to take it back...'
and VOILA!

you guys....vomitoriums!

wait for it.

yeah! I KNOW!

so, here's my thinking, just spit-balling...

ladies are out for a bachelorette party.
they want to eat a giant steak dinner, with baked potatoes and bread and rolls and everything. YUM!
but they also want to go out dancing afterwards and no have to deal with post-meal sluggishness or bloated food bellies.
so, they come to my upchuckery!
they rent a group room.
they check in and trade their clothes for some robes and slippers. (no terry cloth. getting vomit out of terry cloth is a nightmare. i think.)
they waddle into a large tiled room, with showers and stalls and troughs and sinks.
they do their business.
they shower, if they feel so inclined.
they leave the room and head into the powder room, where complimentary water (cucumber, lemon, fruit, bubbly, flat, cold, warm...so many types!) is available. also saltines.
there are sinks where they can use toothbrushes (which we sell, and which come with free toothpaste and mouthwash!), wash their faces, reapply make-up, use some perfume from the perfume bar, and get ready to go out again.
maybe they want to lay down a solid layer in their tummies so they can drink a bunch!
we have a cafe that serves tummy friendly foods!
chamomile tea, papaya enzymes, chicken soup, grilled cheese, salads with mild dressings, ginger ale...
so they eat some, get gussied up and head back out, skinny and smelling better, but having enjoyed a lovely dinner!!
IT CAN'T FAIL!

so, that's one market.
maybe we have a ladies' night package.

obviously the bulimic are an option, but we can't count on them. they're not going to be our bread and butter. (get it?)

another market is drunk people.

either they want to keep drinking, or they're too drunk and want to start sobering up somewhere that isn't a bar bathroom. either way, we're there for them.

we'll have private rooms (NO SEX!!), semi-private rooms, and public rooms.
you check your clothes at the door, and they're returned to you, smelling better.
maybe we have sober up specials, where you can rent some of those capsule sleeping pods that they have in japan for a couple of hours to help sleep it off, and then we'll throw in a free breathalyzer before you leave. overnight parking, for a fee. free shuttle with certain packages? (just riffing.)

obviously we'll open our first branch in las vegas, because where else will there be so many stupid people doing stupid things they wish they could take back, right? from there, we'll see. i'm thinking...the marina? hollywood?

my only problem...a name.

ideas? the upchuckery isn't going to sell itself. we need something less barfy.

Positivity.

Current mood: grumpy

these are some reasons why everything is cool.
1) tonight is margarita night. my godbrother might come out with us.
2) i am getting a massage at 6:30pm.
3) i went to the gym today for the first time in a week and it felt awesome.
4) it's kinda warm today, and, even though i am trapped in hell/work, i will get out early enough to enjoy the warmth.
5) i finished college of marin before i turned 30. seriously, i was worried for a while.
6) music is the best. driving and listening to my ipod is perfection. the driving and listening to music was what i always imagined when i imagined what was cool about driving, and it is totally proving to be as exciting as i had imagined. that and havign aplace to stash my crap that i want to bring from the house with me, but don't necessarily want to carry in my arms, like a towel for the gym or something.

on a different note, who organizes high school reunions? i mean, how will they know if i move away?

Currently listening :
Stay What You Are
By Saves the Day
Release date: By 10 July, 2001

in case anyone wanted to know.

Current mood: calm

this will be my schedule for tomorrow.

6:00am - wake up
6:15am - drink breakfast shake
6:30am - leave for gym
7:00-8:30isham - gym it up
8:45 - 10isham - get dressed for school, pack school bags, gather visuals for presentation
10:15am - drive to school and look endlessly for parking
11am - meet with alice, my astronomy teacher, about the crazy lady in my astronomy group and attempt some damage control on whatever nonsense the crazy lady has told alice.
12:00pm - take LAST stat test and kick its sorry ass
1:15-3:00 - eat lunch, kick it, whatev'.
3:00-5:00pm - student senate meeting
5:00-6:30pm - whatev'
6:30pm - meet astronomy group in library for quick pre-class huddle, blow their minds with my kick-ass visuals that i have prepared for us (hello, glitterglue stick!)
7:00-10:00pm - give presentation that kicks ass, watch a lot of fucking retarded presentation, hate most of class except my group, avoid crazy lady's weird crazy mind rays
10:00pm - leave astronomy for the LAST time and never fucking look back.

physical pain.

Current mood: determined

monday i went way overboard on lunges and squats at the gym. i could tell as soon as i walked into the locker room that i was in trouble. my thighs felt all wobbly and i could barely make it across the street to my car.

yesterday morning, i had great difficulty getting in and out of my car, because of the muscle soreness. getting onto and off of the toilet was terribly challenging. walking downstairs was really embarrassing. even rolling over in bed was pretty tough.

also, i had really, really bad cramps yesterday, so i was just pretty much falling apart.

today, i am better, somewhat, on all fronts, though i am still pretty physically impaired with the leg-thing.

no gym today, because i can barely walk.

i'll gym tomorrow.

oh, also, there is a woman in my astronomy lab group who i want to kill.

and my job is still fucking rad. quitting resto is totally going to suck, because they're going to be bummed in a minorly abusive way, but my new job is so cool that it's worth it.

this movie, the one i said i'm watching, i watched it the other night. it wasn't great.

Currently watching :
I'll Sleep When I'm Dead
Release date: By 16 November, 2004

best laid plans of mice and kira.

as a direct result of my getting my license, which previously seemed unthinkably difficult, i have this sense that i can accomplish anything now. i promised the universe that if it let me pass my driving test, i'd begin learning to play the guitar, which has also always seemed arduously time-consuming, especially if i want to tear shit up at all. so, i haven't started the guitar thing, but i am still turning new leaves over.

i drove, all by myself, to san francisco, a couple of times, and i did not die or have to pull over and cry. that is impressive to me. i also drove to albany for lunch with a friend, with a similar lack of death or tears. like, whoa. i am unstoppable.

so, i am going to now phase procrastination out of my life. i hate to do it, it really causes problems in my life, aside from the feelings of worthlessness and shame that accompany it, and i am, as the kids are saying, 'over it.'

PROCRASTINATION, I DEFY YOU. YOU ARE NOW BANISHED.

to commemorate this momentous break-up, i have spent this evening working on some extra-curricular stuff that i've been avoiding all year and i finished the first major part of it and it was cinchy.

i am a datebook-using, note-to-self-writing, things-i-am-supposed-to-be-doing-doer who doesn't let little things like lethargy, fear, ennui, or embarrassment get in her way. nah, brah, i'm making shit happen.

woo. fuckin' a right.

i am going to wake up early again tomorrow, even though i don't really HAVE to, and walk the dog. partly because shannon's ankle is still jacked up and he shouldn't walk on it, and partly because i need to get some exercise, now that i don't have to walk everywhere anymore, or i'll turn into a jelly butt. or, a jellier butt.

i recognize that, most likely, this break-up between me and procrastinating won't be forever. a ltr like that tends to linger. but my intention is to honor the importance of the time we've spent together, while also remaining aloof and emotionally uninvolved.

also, sometimes it's nice to light a bunch of candle, for no reason. we're using these beeswax tea lights and it's pretty sweet. i don't mind the paraffin smell, but beeswax is undeniably less stank. i wish beeswax tasted as good as it smells. we'd really have something then...

updater.

some things that are happening in my life:

1) i got my lip waxed yesterday and it still feels all weird and naked. shannon teased me that my baby fuzz would grow back thick and bushy like a walrus, but he isn't well-versed in the facts of girl-hood like myself. i made an appointment to get a bikini wax and my arm pits done. i've never had my pits done and it might kill me, but since i loathe the whole body hair removal dance, maybe this is a thorough way to deal with an area that is a total bummer to shave. i hate the tyranny of hairlessness anyway, damn it. women have hair in unsightly places. it's just a fact. but we're totally bullied and shamed into removing it, despite the financial, time and discomfort investments that are required. it's such crap. sorry we're not all hairless and smooth like androids, fellas. p.s. neither are you, and there are some areas that you guys tend to have hair on that we could usually do without, like ears or nose or necks.

2) my work drama continues, with P informing me 'confidentially' that she was going to fire K, despite the fact that K already put in her notice. so, i told K. i felt weird about it, because P considers me a friend, as much as she is capable of, but i can't sit by and let this crap happen. maybe i'll get fired, if K doesn't do a good job of keeping it cool, but hopefully not. and if i do, oh well. i'll deal.

3) my interest and investment in school is reaching all time lows. i have a big math test monday and i don't really care. i'll do some prep for it today, but i can get low Bs on the next two tests and still get an A in the class. i should start on my final project someday, though.

4) here are the things i am not working on, and have not been for quite some time, that i really ought to: applying for scholarships so i don't have to take out one zillion dollars in loans in order to attend ucla, assuming i get it; coalating and formatting the new student senate constutition, which i am hoping to have finished by the end of the semester; sending the letters out to the faculty advisors for clubs that are inactive, so we can take their money - also would like to get that done by the end of the semester; vaccuming and stuff around the house (having a siberian husky as a dog is amazingly labor intenstive, even if only viewed from a hair collecting perspective. that dog can freakin' shed, itellyouwhat.); preparing for the 1997 party, like sending out emails to old-skool homies from 'back in the day;' i'm not really working enough to save much money, and i need to be doing that, too, if i ever plan on moving.

5) i got a really cool temporary job, that starts next thursday and goes until the 13th of may, i think. i worked last sunday and monday at a fashion showroom by the concourse in the city. last weekend was the SF fashion market, when all the buyers from stores come to check out the new season's lines and order, so i worked in a showroom greeting buyers and stuff. it was pretty dumb, mostly being the go-fer, setting up lunch, carrying flats of bottled water and diet coke up 3 flights of stairs, but the sales rep lady whose showroom i was hired through asked me to work the LA markets with her, since i'm headed down there, which is cool, and she also asked me to fill in for her assistant while the assistant is on her honeymoon. she (the lady who hired me) reps some pretty big lines, so it's very exciting. that's one of the only ways to get into the snooty fashion bitch business, having a connection, so if i want to claw my way up the ladder using only my acrylic nails and my stilettos, now is my chance. (i don't have acrylic nails or stilettos yet, but i'm working on it, even though i think acrylic nails are totally foul. seriously, why do girls get them? they look hideous. aside from looking trashy, they are just not attractive. plus french manicures are crazy low-class looking, especially on toes. groders.)

6?) by the way, groders is a derivative of grody, which we all know is a derivative of gross. shannon's sister says groders sometimes and i really like it. i also shortened heinous to heiners (pronounced hay-ners, not like wieners with an h), which works well, also. i'm a fan of silly slang like that. this girl that i have a little girl crush on said 'totes' like short for totally, and i thought it was awesome. ***NOTE FROM THE FUTURE: THIS MYSTERIOUS GIRL EVENTUALLY BECAME MY BESTIE, LIESL.***

7) mike the jerk, from school, just called me, i assume to tutor him for out math test, but i have no interest in doing that. this is the first day that i haven't rushed out of the house to run errands, since i'm a new driver and stoked to be out and about, but i am way more interested today in sitting around in my jammies. it's a bit chilly today.

8) shannon sprained his ankle yesterday, scrambling around on wet, mossy rocks in a canyon on the yuba river. he's too incapacitated to walk his dog, but not to incapacitated to fix the bird feeder and collect brush and all the yard-related things he loves to do. hmmm. today, i gave him the ultimate gift. while packing to move, my mom found about 20 old vhs tapes of mine, most of which i had taped episodes of 'my so-called life' on. one is labelled 'kira's favorite music videos - DO NOT RECORD OVER!!!!', so i know it's going to be embarassing. i am expecting 'rock the cradle of love' and 'unskinny bop.' anyway, another tape is the end of the year show from my grade school, in 1987, making me 9. i think that was the year i played mary poppins, in the stage version of the musical by the same name. i gave it to shannon. i might die of embarassment, but he deserves to see it. after all, he let me look at his yearbooks. (p.s. they are the best things ever! the graduating classes of 1988 through 1990 in huntington, indiana were looking sharp. shannon is perhaps the least silly looking person in there, actually. he just had long hair and was a metal guy. the hair and clothes on the ladies is really something. it's like their heads exploded, and the brain matter glued their hair into crazy vertical formations. wow.)

9) i think that's it for now.

city peops, i'll be working in the city, starting this thursday, on tuesday, thursday and friday for a few weeks. i can come play after work, so let me know.


Currently reading :
The Name of the Rose: including Postscript to the Name of the Rose
By Umberto Eco
Release date: By 28 September, 1994

ow.

Current mood: grumpy

my head is really, really hurting. i think it's sinus pressure. i had gotten out of allergy issues so far this year, but i packed up my closet at my mom's house and the ancient dust there was my undoing.
i am such a fucking baby. i always feel like i'm going to die when i am in any sort of illness-related pain. injuries i can take like a champ, but give me a cold and i lose my shit.
but, seriously, it fucking hurts and i'm bummed.

also, shit is about to go totally ape-shit in 'the dark tower' and i am filled with dread, as well as snot. sweet.

Currently reading :
Wizard and Glass (The Dark Tower, Book 4)
By Stephen King
Release date: By 23 June, 2003

slasher!

whoa! i just had a little episode from a teen horror film!
i was taking a shower, singing wham! at the top of my lungs, because no one is home, and i hear this weird thudding noise. so, i cut off my singing and am straining to hear outside. there's what sounds like footsteps in the hallway and what i think is the sliding door to the bathroom opening. i ask, in a quavering voice, "he-hello?" silence. there is, over the next 30ish seconds, a whole bunch of mysterious noises (scrabbling, thudding, swishing... you know. mysterious and onomatopoetic...) i start thinking, "um... what if i didn't close the front door securely? anyone could just push the door open. i am crazy vulnerable, naked in the shower and such... holy crap..." but nothing happens. so, to fortify myself, i move along to the next song on the wham! album, and re-double my singing.

i'm dressed now, so, obviously no one was in the house to kill me, because what kind of a psycho killer would wait til i was dressed to kill me, right? everyone knows that much.

it was still pretty weird, though.

Current mood: refreshed
Currently listening: Make It Big By Wham!

'first' day

today was my first day of school. it was fine. this is, like, my 13th semester or something so the thrill is kinda gone. (it's not really my 13th. it's my 9th. or something.) saw my school peops. i'll miss being someplace where i know, or at least recognize, half of my classmates.

today was also my first filling. um...novocaine is both cool and shitty. it was interesting, but also unpleasant and lasted WAY too long.

also had cramps and was cold, oh and my neck popped out of alignment as i got out of the shower. all of these were rad.

but it was still a strangely satisfying day. i am full of renewed purpose on student gubmint stuff. this is my last semester, so i really feel like i want to have something tangible to show for my time invested. i am going to pick one big goal, and two lesser goals, and really focus my attention on those and let the rest of the gubmint shit go. between school, jobs, b/f, working out, sleeping, not freaking out...i'll have a full plate.

but it's my LAST SEMESTER at junior college, and i'd endure anything to get through this. this is perhaps the biggest thing i will ever have accomplished, of my own volition. finishing high school wasn't really by choice. this is something i am finishing because i wanted to and forced myself to. it's pretty exciting. hopefully i get accepted to a college, or i'll be a bit put out.

i spent a zillion dollars in two days. between the filling, buying textbooks, and impulse shopping on nordstroms.com, i am hella po' now. but i'll have healthy teeth, be hella smart and be snazzily dressed, so, it all evens out.

Current mood: tired
Currently reading: Wizard and Glass: The Dark Tower IV (Unabridged)

stupid flu.

i have that goddamn flu thing that's going around, where you feel REALLY shitty for a couple of days, and then feel shitty enough to want to change bodies with someone else for, like, 7 years. i need some way to rinse out my lungs.

i have this hideous cough, that is totally unproductive, and is ripping my poor throat and wind-pipe to shreds. i am a nose-blowing, snot-snarfling moster. i have wicked sinus pressure. if i breathe to deeply, or quickly, while i am sleeping, i am forced to cough my lungs out for an hour before i can get back to sleep. the side of my bed is a used hankerchief/kleenex forest. i just got back from a trip to chicago and my bag is unpacked because i feel like ass and don't want to keep bending over to get the stuff out of my suitcase, because the sinus pressure might make my eyeballs pop out. also, i lost my voice yesterday, but it's coming back a bit today. me and shannon were singing in the car and with my cracking voice, it sounded funny.

luckily for me, i got it from shannon, and he hasn't gotten over it, either, so i am not alone in my illness-induced foulness. it's a symphony of sneezing, sniffling, coughing and nose-blowing over here.

and finals are tomorrow. crap.

Current mood: uncomfortable
Currently reading : Quicksilver (The Baroque Cycle, Vol. 1) - By Neal Stephenson