white woman's guilt.

i'm not sure what it means that i haven't been writing here.
i haven't been writing anywhere, really.
haven't worked on my book seriously in months.
haven't meditated.
i dunno.
i feel a little off kilter, but not dramatically so. just a smidge.
i'd like to be doing those things more.
but not enough to actually do them apparently.

one thing i have been doing is pilates.

did i mention i'm doing teacher training to become a pilates instructor?
i am.
here's where i'm doing it.
it's fantastic.
it's changing my life.
i'm excited, proud, challenged - everything good.
i'm doing pilates about 5 times a week, and feeling stronger, so cool.

that's not really what i want to write about right now, though. maybe a little bit not really.

i want to talk about me feeling guilt over my lifestyle.

so, i'm not working.
that's not new.
i've come close to looking for a job a few times in the last year or so, but shannon felt like having me at home, managing the house and taking care of the dog, would be worth more than whatever smallish amount of money i'd be bringing in. and, given my eternal 'nyeh' over working, and general lack of vocation to speak of, i am totally fine with that set up. i'm actually not that good at being a a housewife and have really had my shortcomings thrust at me through this, but i'm developing really helpful habits, which make me an infinitely easier person to live with, i think.

so, i'm not working.
i'm married.
my husband is really handsome.
though we have our ups and downs, and went through a rough patch there a little while back, we're really happy together and totally in love.
we own our own home. (well, the bank owns it and we're buying it from the bank, but you get my meaning. our monthly payments are going towards something that we will eventually reap the benefits of, unlike renting. the fact that most of the payment goes to interest in the loan isn't the topic of discussion right now, but it should be, some day. fucking banks.)
i have awesome hair.
i get many services, that are very pricey, done for me for free, or at huge discounts, by incredibly talented friends.
i have many of the things that one pictures when they're thinking of success in the modern world and money. (new mac laptop, newish iphone, multiple ipods, gucci sunglasses, etc.)
i spend a very large portion of my time working out, doing a type of exercise that is usually insanely expensive.
i travel to fun places fairly often (LA, NYC, BALI!!!).
my body is pretty close to what the magazines say it should be. i'd be a plus size model for sure, but i'm in proportion and i'm closer to the ideal, physically, than a lot of people are.
one of my main responsibilities is to look after my dog, who is pure bred.
i am able to shop at whole foods (whole paycheck) exclusively, unless i feel like going to trader joe's for something.
my hair care and skin care products cost more than some people's haircuts.
i don't have kids, by choice, which means i only have to worry about myself, my (ridiculously handsome) husband and my pets.

what i'm saying is, i am living a life that a lot of people might consider perfect.
i'm not complaining.
my life is freaking awesome.

but, because i'm a human being and this is our eternal struggle, i experience unsatisfactoriness.
sometimes i lie in bed and dread going to the dog park AGAIN.
my hair looks wonky, or flat, or boring.
my forehead is short (really more of a threehead) and i can't have heavy bangs like i'd like to.
my skin and hair care products refuse to change my life the way the magazines tell me they will.
i want MORE things.
i tried on bikinis at target yesterday and looked WRETCHED. like, dimpled and jiggle and bulgey. really, really bad.
for all my working out, i look nearly the same as i always have, as far as i'm concerned. i'm not in smaller clothing sizes, for one thing.
i feel like i'll never lose weight, never look good in a bathing suit, never wear shorts or a short skirt without a hint of shame and fingers crossed that no one looks too closely.
i wish my mom was still alive.

what i mean is, i'm just like everyone else.
i want things that i can't have.
i don't want to do the things i have to do.
i am not happy with the hand (or midriff) i've been dealt.
i wish i was younger still.
i regret choices i've made.

and every time i say anything remotely negative about my situation, or express anything other than blissful contentment, i get scolded by people for being unappreciative of what i have.

it's gotten to the point where i am leery of even sharing my negative feelings about things, for fear i'll offend someone.
i feel like i need to couch everything in apologetic terms "this thing happened and it sucked. (i know, rough life.)" "totally stoked on my life, but wish i didn't have this thing to deal with." why am i apologizing for having the feelings i have? am i not allowed to experience unsatisfactoriness because i have a great life?

and what makes people think that not working, or having money at all, automatically means blissful contentment? do rich people seem happier to you? their families more functional?
look at ebenezer scrooge, man. he was rich a hell and he was miserable!

so, spoiler alert, guys: having money doesn't solve all your problems. it solves some. it creates others. me not having to work doesn't change the fact that my forehead is too short for the bangs i like so much on other people. it doesn't make me 17 again. it doesn't bring my mom back.

all it means is that i have more hours in the day to myself, which also doesn't solve anything. still not writing. still manage to piss entire days away sometimes. still mismanage my money, wish i had more/new/better clothes. still wondering which handbag will complete me as a person. still not doing anything about darfur.

it's true, i'm not sacrificing my life for kids, or having to make serious budget cuts, or wasting hours of my day and years of my life at a job i resent.

but i don't have everything figured out, and i still struggle with life, and i have just as much right to wrestle with my problems as someone who lives in section 8 housing, or someone with cancer, or someone with alopecia. i don't feel like my not needing to work cancels out my right to expect compassion over the things i struggle with, even if they're not life or death struggles.

you know what?
i don't know many people who are dealing with situations that are literally life or death.
and agreed, in the grand scheme of things, i fully recognize that i am lucky to have a torso at all, or a threehead, or an undervalued home. yes, i am lucky to be alive and not being raped a bunch in a refugee camp. we all are. does that mean that the people who are facing foreclosure on their houses don't get to worry about their problems? are they supposed to just be thankful for the fact that they're not facing refugee camp rape, and shut up about their financial concerns?
because if so, i expect a GREAT deal less complaining from pretty much everyone in the entire world, outside of palestine and darfur, 'kay?

of course i am thankful for my life.
my life is amazing.
that goes without saying.
if you hear me posting FML stuff, then you're welcome to tell me to shut up.
actually, you know what? even then, i'm allowed to be bummed for a while.

as i begin school again...

i'd like to take this opportunity to reflect on my vacation. when i was little, my mom would always have a chat with me before school started, to debrief my vacation.. like a formal ending and beginning. i like that idea, to consciously enter and exit periods of my life. so, in that spirit...

* i read so much. i read that jonathan lethem book that ripped my heart out. i finished that massive neal stephenson book. i read "the curious incident of the dog in the night" or something, and it was charming. i read the first three lemony snicket books, out of curiousity, and they were pretty feeble. no harry potter, that's for sure. i read a new collection of dave eggers's short stories, which had highs and lows. i read "the league of extraordinary gentleman," which was really disappointing. those are the highlights. lots of reading.

* i made some money. i worked some, helped out my co-workers, but mostly avoided working like usual. heh. my filing job is such a cakewalk. suckers. i like to just not go. sometimes i call, sometimes i don't, but they don't really care. or, if they do, they like me and just let me. it's sweet.

* i learned to drive. (finally.) my mom bought me my first car, (which is a huge deal and was something i never thought would happen.) i am in the process of honing my driving prowess, though i have driven to petaluma and back, all over san rafael, to my job in corte madera....you know. about. i have been driving MY car about. it is cute and it works perfectly and i love my car and driving is scary and exciting and scary. i am going to call to make my appointment tomorrow, so i can be a real, licensed driver.

* i relaxed a lot. i am a creature of leisure, as anyone who knows me will tell you, and i require long, extended periods of sloth to feel whole. my loafing battery is full-charged.

* i shopped. i bought some cute clothes. i like to shop. whatever, i'm a materialistic, superficial ninny sometimes and i fucking love shopping.

* i spent some good quality time with my loved ones. i hung out lots with shannon, who hasn't been working, and i love it when we have time off together. i got to spend time with lu and tab, both together and individually. my dad took me driving and taught me to parallel park (sorta.) me and my mom impulse bought nordstoms to its knees. i didn't get to spend barely any time with ariana, which is a bummer.

i think i'm ready for the new semester. it'll be a toughie, but it's my last one in junior college, so, regardless of the difficulty, i'll make it happen and get the heck out.


Current mood: content
Currently listening : Princess Mononoke: Music From The Miramax Motion Picture - By Joe Hisaishi

booyah.

i totally kicked my finals' asses. now i am on winter break. i bought myself a cool silver leather bracelet and a cozy scarf to celebrate. i can't decide what to do first... i have such limited time and so many books to read. i always binge read over winter break.

oh, i am taking chorus next semester. the real kind, too, that you have to audition for, even. i am a little bit nervous, but i am tired of not doing anything with my lovely pipes. gotta use 'em or lose 'em.

indian food for din-din, with mom and shannon. me and the shann-man had indian food on friday. we're shameless, itellya. it's just so tasty. yumyum.

i am currently listening to the greatest christmas album ever. i highly reccommend it. christmasy without making you hurl.

okay. enough being here. i am going to go start my binge reading. iamsoexcitedyayyayyay!

Current mood: excited
Currently listening :
A Charlie Brown Christmas: The Original Sound Track Recording Of The CBS Television Special - By Vince Guaraldi Trio

my perfect boyfriend.

From : Shannon Mills
Sent : Monday, June 28, 2004 9:44 AM
To : "Ms. Kira Fisher"
Subject : ahoy mate!!


let’s sail away past the noise of the bay
let’s sail away past the birth and death of the day
let’s sail away to where the blues and greens swirl into gray
let’s sail away
let’s sail away past the cradle of these waves
let’s sail away past the tide and its slow decay
let’s sail away to where the water goes-some endless open space
let’s sail away
take only what you need, my love, and leave the rest behind
don’t be afraid of where we’ll go, my love
i promise you will be fine
now you are the only one thats mine
let’s sail away past the reflections of the light
let’s sail away floating weightless through the night
let’s sail away like a photograph, fading to all white
it’s finally all right
forget all the mistakes my love
they won’t be made again
leave the photos in the drawer, my love
we no longer need them
we both know where we’ve been
let’s sail away disappearing in a mist
let’s sail away with a whisper and a kiss
or vanish from a road somewhere, like tereza and tomas,
suspended in this bliss.


I love my boyfriend so freakin' much. Jesus.