best laid plans of mice and kira.

as a direct result of my getting my license, which previously seemed unthinkably difficult, i have this sense that i can accomplish anything now. i promised the universe that if it let me pass my driving test, i'd begin learning to play the guitar, which has also always seemed arduously time-consuming, especially if i want to tear shit up at all. so, i haven't started the guitar thing, but i am still turning new leaves over.

i drove, all by myself, to san francisco, a couple of times, and i did not die or have to pull over and cry. that is impressive to me. i also drove to albany for lunch with a friend, with a similar lack of death or tears. like, whoa. i am unstoppable.

so, i am going to now phase procrastination out of my life. i hate to do it, it really causes problems in my life, aside from the feelings of worthlessness and shame that accompany it, and i am, as the kids are saying, 'over it.'

PROCRASTINATION, I DEFY YOU. YOU ARE NOW BANISHED.

to commemorate this momentous break-up, i have spent this evening working on some extra-curricular stuff that i've been avoiding all year and i finished the first major part of it and it was cinchy.

i am a datebook-using, note-to-self-writing, things-i-am-supposed-to-be-doing-doer who doesn't let little things like lethargy, fear, ennui, or embarrassment get in her way. nah, brah, i'm making shit happen.

woo. fuckin' a right.

i am going to wake up early again tomorrow, even though i don't really HAVE to, and walk the dog. partly because shannon's ankle is still jacked up and he shouldn't walk on it, and partly because i need to get some exercise, now that i don't have to walk everywhere anymore, or i'll turn into a jelly butt. or, a jellier butt.

i recognize that, most likely, this break-up between me and procrastinating won't be forever. a ltr like that tends to linger. but my intention is to honor the importance of the time we've spent together, while also remaining aloof and emotionally uninvolved.

also, sometimes it's nice to light a bunch of candle, for no reason. we're using these beeswax tea lights and it's pretty sweet. i don't mind the paraffin smell, but beeswax is undeniably less stank. i wish beeswax tasted as good as it smells. we'd really have something then...

updater.

some things that are happening in my life:

1) i got my lip waxed yesterday and it still feels all weird and naked. shannon teased me that my baby fuzz would grow back thick and bushy like a walrus, but he isn't well-versed in the facts of girl-hood like myself. i made an appointment to get a bikini wax and my arm pits done. i've never had my pits done and it might kill me, but since i loathe the whole body hair removal dance, maybe this is a thorough way to deal with an area that is a total bummer to shave. i hate the tyranny of hairlessness anyway, damn it. women have hair in unsightly places. it's just a fact. but we're totally bullied and shamed into removing it, despite the financial, time and discomfort investments that are required. it's such crap. sorry we're not all hairless and smooth like androids, fellas. p.s. neither are you, and there are some areas that you guys tend to have hair on that we could usually do without, like ears or nose or necks.

2) my work drama continues, with P informing me 'confidentially' that she was going to fire K, despite the fact that K already put in her notice. so, i told K. i felt weird about it, because P considers me a friend, as much as she is capable of, but i can't sit by and let this crap happen. maybe i'll get fired, if K doesn't do a good job of keeping it cool, but hopefully not. and if i do, oh well. i'll deal.

3) my interest and investment in school is reaching all time lows. i have a big math test monday and i don't really care. i'll do some prep for it today, but i can get low Bs on the next two tests and still get an A in the class. i should start on my final project someday, though.

4) here are the things i am not working on, and have not been for quite some time, that i really ought to: applying for scholarships so i don't have to take out one zillion dollars in loans in order to attend ucla, assuming i get it; coalating and formatting the new student senate constutition, which i am hoping to have finished by the end of the semester; sending the letters out to the faculty advisors for clubs that are inactive, so we can take their money - also would like to get that done by the end of the semester; vaccuming and stuff around the house (having a siberian husky as a dog is amazingly labor intenstive, even if only viewed from a hair collecting perspective. that dog can freakin' shed, itellyouwhat.); preparing for the 1997 party, like sending out emails to old-skool homies from 'back in the day;' i'm not really working enough to save much money, and i need to be doing that, too, if i ever plan on moving.

5) i got a really cool temporary job, that starts next thursday and goes until the 13th of may, i think. i worked last sunday and monday at a fashion showroom by the concourse in the city. last weekend was the SF fashion market, when all the buyers from stores come to check out the new season's lines and order, so i worked in a showroom greeting buyers and stuff. it was pretty dumb, mostly being the go-fer, setting up lunch, carrying flats of bottled water and diet coke up 3 flights of stairs, but the sales rep lady whose showroom i was hired through asked me to work the LA markets with her, since i'm headed down there, which is cool, and she also asked me to fill in for her assistant while the assistant is on her honeymoon. she (the lady who hired me) reps some pretty big lines, so it's very exciting. that's one of the only ways to get into the snooty fashion bitch business, having a connection, so if i want to claw my way up the ladder using only my acrylic nails and my stilettos, now is my chance. (i don't have acrylic nails or stilettos yet, but i'm working on it, even though i think acrylic nails are totally foul. seriously, why do girls get them? they look hideous. aside from looking trashy, they are just not attractive. plus french manicures are crazy low-class looking, especially on toes. groders.)

6?) by the way, groders is a derivative of grody, which we all know is a derivative of gross. shannon's sister says groders sometimes and i really like it. i also shortened heinous to heiners (pronounced hay-ners, not like wieners with an h), which works well, also. i'm a fan of silly slang like that. this girl that i have a little girl crush on said 'totes' like short for totally, and i thought it was awesome. ***NOTE FROM THE FUTURE: THIS MYSTERIOUS GIRL EVENTUALLY BECAME MY BESTIE, LIESL.***

7) mike the jerk, from school, just called me, i assume to tutor him for out math test, but i have no interest in doing that. this is the first day that i haven't rushed out of the house to run errands, since i'm a new driver and stoked to be out and about, but i am way more interested today in sitting around in my jammies. it's a bit chilly today.

8) shannon sprained his ankle yesterday, scrambling around on wet, mossy rocks in a canyon on the yuba river. he's too incapacitated to walk his dog, but not to incapacitated to fix the bird feeder and collect brush and all the yard-related things he loves to do. hmmm. today, i gave him the ultimate gift. while packing to move, my mom found about 20 old vhs tapes of mine, most of which i had taped episodes of 'my so-called life' on. one is labelled 'kira's favorite music videos - DO NOT RECORD OVER!!!!', so i know it's going to be embarassing. i am expecting 'rock the cradle of love' and 'unskinny bop.' anyway, another tape is the end of the year show from my grade school, in 1987, making me 9. i think that was the year i played mary poppins, in the stage version of the musical by the same name. i gave it to shannon. i might die of embarassment, but he deserves to see it. after all, he let me look at his yearbooks. (p.s. they are the best things ever! the graduating classes of 1988 through 1990 in huntington, indiana were looking sharp. shannon is perhaps the least silly looking person in there, actually. he just had long hair and was a metal guy. the hair and clothes on the ladies is really something. it's like their heads exploded, and the brain matter glued their hair into crazy vertical formations. wow.)

9) i think that's it for now.

city peops, i'll be working in the city, starting this thursday, on tuesday, thursday and friday for a few weeks. i can come play after work, so let me know.


Currently reading :
The Name of the Rose: including Postscript to the Name of the Rose
By Umberto Eco
Release date: By 28 September, 1994

ow.

Current mood: grumpy

my head is really, really hurting. i think it's sinus pressure. i had gotten out of allergy issues so far this year, but i packed up my closet at my mom's house and the ancient dust there was my undoing.
i am such a fucking baby. i always feel like i'm going to die when i am in any sort of illness-related pain. injuries i can take like a champ, but give me a cold and i lose my shit.
but, seriously, it fucking hurts and i'm bummed.

also, shit is about to go totally ape-shit in 'the dark tower' and i am filled with dread, as well as snot. sweet.

Currently reading :
Wizard and Glass (The Dark Tower, Book 4)
By Stephen King
Release date: By 23 June, 2003

holy crap!

Current mood: guilty

i passed my driving test today! i am a licensed driver! most of today was awesome, me just crusing around, running errands by myself. radical.
now things feel shitty for some reason. i am fucking over extended, is the bottom line. i need to learn when to say 'when.' i hate it when i blow some scheduling thing and no matter what i do i am screwing someone over. it makes me feel like a total asshole. there. i said it. i am feeling like an asshole.
i guess getting my license didn't solve all my problems after all.

Currently listening :
Antics
By Interpol
Release date: By 27 September, 2004

why kira will never succeed in politics.

Current mood: melancholy

i have a really easy job. i accepted the job solely based on how easy it is and how absurdly flexible the hours are. i show up pretty much whenever i want to, i listen to my ipod and file, chat with my co-workers, and leave when i get tired of it. it's heaven. when i leave, i have almost nothing to say about work, because nothing interesting happens, so i don't have to be that person who only talks about work. (except for right now, when i am talking about it...)

okay,, though, here's the problem:

i work with a woman, P, who is probably in her late 30s, who is quite possibly the most cold-hearted, selfish person i have ever known in real life.. she loves me, but i have no doubt she'd slit my throat without a second thought if she felt like it was the thing to do.

there are a large number of good things about her. she's funny. she has a really cool daughter. she's a really hard worker. she's good to chat with, about current events or life stuff.

the things that suck about her are all related to what a cold, hard twat she can be, though. the tone of voice she uses on the phone with her husband, and her ex-husband, is enough to turn my stomach. i have never, in my entire life, used such a shitty, disrespectful, rude-on-purpose-with-no-thought-for-the-other-person's-feelings tone of voice, except to illustrate it to other people. it makes my skin crawl. how she could speak to her husband that way, who she is alleged to love, really dumb-founds me. she handles the workers comp claims for the company, and you know she has no qualms about cutting people off, regardless of whether or not they're better. she just assumes they're all lying fakers and is down to stick it to them. she is also all about taking her anger out on innocent by-standers, and is famous for getting people fired because she doesn't like them, or they threaten her in some way. mostly she keeps it to temps that are too annoying, but she's not above taking out another permanent co-worker.

so, she is out for herself, bottom line, and will say or do whatever she feels like she needs to, or can, to come out on top.

she left for maternity leave in November-ish. another chick took over her job for her, while she was out. this other chick, K, also continued to do a great deal of her own job, as well as managing two temps during the xmas season, which is a crappy, ultra-busy time for the department. i have no idea how good a job K did at managing P's job, but i do know she never got yelled at, shit didn't explode or fall apart, and she managed to stay funny and positive and easy to get along with despite the atrocious stress she was under. her work-load had tripled, and she was never given a full training in the stuff she was doing, despite being told a few times that she would be.

so, two months into this time, K asks our boss for a temporary raise, since she is doing so much more work. our boss says she'll ask HER boss and get back to K. two weeks pass and K hears nothing. she asks again. again is told that the boss will ask the boss and they'll get back to K. two more weeks pass and nothing. K asks about it one more time, and is again blown off. nothing. right around this time, P comes back on the scene.

i should say that P is best friends with our boss, except for the huge amounts of smack that P talks behind the boss’s back to me. so P's maternity leave time ran out, as did her state maternity benefits, so she and the boss came up with this plan for her to work from home part time, so she could get paid half of her salary while still basically being on leave. she continued to call K, giving K even more things to do, even though she is allegedly working part-time now.

the big problem is that K let things go for too long. she should have found another job after the second time she got dissed, but she didn't, she just stayed, letting the resentfulness grow.

as of this week, P is back from leave entirely. she has decided that K hates her and should leave the company. instead of talking to K about her problems, perhaps admitting that they treated K like crap and she has a right to be pissed, P is basically forcing her to quit.

K is a really, really good worker and a way more pleasant co-worker, more consistently, to more people, than P. she is almost always easy to get along with, and when she's in a crappy mood, she at least keeps it to herself, whereas P can poison the vibes like no one i have ever met. K is the kind of person who everyone goes to with any questions about the department, because she's really knowledgeable and just handles stuff without a bunch of drama or fanfare. she is exactly the kind of employee that companies, particularly my company, want to have, because she's willing to take one for them team and work hard, but they're going to fire her anyway.

now P is trying to suck me into the saga, like making me part of their conspiracy, which sucks a great deal for me, because i feel like a huge injustice is being perpetrated. P is the girl in grade school who wasn't afraid to make other kids cry, who would aim for making adults cry, and who probably bullied anyone younger than her. she is just a mean, popular girl at heart, and she wants me to join her team of heathers, but i am feeling like veronica.

P asked me to let her know when K got in on friday morning, because K was really late (which was dumb of K, to be an hour and half late without calling, but whatever.) P wanted me to basically tattle on her. later in the day, r and another co-worker were doing a project in a conference room and P walked in and felt like they were talking smack about her, which they could very well have been doing. P came out of the room and over to my desk, where she whispered to me,
"that's awesome when you walk in on people talking about you and they get all nervous. keep is up, ladies, because i'm totally going to circle back around and write you up."

then, later, leaving the conference room again, P stops me to talk, saying, "i hate her and she needs to leave."
i made a sad face and said i was hating the fighting.
P said, "oh, there's no fighting, i just hate her and she needs leave."
again, i said i just wanted everyone to get along, but P said, "whatever, she obviously hates me and S (the boss), and is miserable here. she drives and hour and a half each way to get here, to a job she hates, to work for two people she hates, she needs to go." (that was a good point, and one i've made to K before, since she drives from sonoma to marin everyday for work.) i tried to explain it in a diplomatic way, saying that i felt like K didn't hate them, that she just let her frustration poison things and get too far.
P told me, continuing the festival of unprofessional conduct, that K cried in a meeting with her yesterday when P asked her if she was giving her 2 weeks notice. K felt like she could improve her attitude or something, but P said it was too late for the big turn-around. K said she didn't think she'd have to leave over it, and P just kind of rolled her eyes.
i sighed deeply.
P made a cutesy face and said, "aren't you glad that i love you?"
um...what? scary.

so, work politics are excruciatingly painful right now.
i feel like i should do something for K, plead her case or defend her or something, but i also feel like she let it get out of hand and it's unlikely that it'll get any better. she should've left before it got so messy.

this sort of thing is typical of my department, which is ironic since i work in human resources, but P and my boss have cut players from the team before when they threatened their little BFF set up, and i feel like that's what this is. the boss didn't give P the raise because she doesn't really care, and P just wants to ensure that she gets taken care of and doesn't give a shit if she hurts another person's career or life in the process.

i feel like a spineless wimp. i don't think me sacrificing my job, and a gold-plated reference from a company and department that want to marry me, is going to do any good in this situation. they have already proven, with their yuckiness towards K, that no player is too valuable to get cut suddenly. i need the reference and my sacrifice would mean nothing.

or would it? i don't know, i just feel really icky about it. i loathe the way P is trying to make me a part of it, to make sure i am on the team. i hate the mean team.

and this is why i won't ever succeed in politics. i can't handle the negativity. it makes me crazy and so sad and scared i want to die. how can people operate this way? i refuse to get sucked into the drama or feed the fire, so i have to stay on the outside, and i am prone to quitting if things get too unpleasant.

school politics are like that right now, too, so unpleasant, and i am slowly, unconsciously, shrinking away, little by little. life is too short for the poo flinging and the pointless hating.

i don't think there's anything wrong with me not wanting to be involved in other people's drama, but i feel like i have a moral obligation to stand up for what's 'right.' is that stupid? am i being overly dramatic about this? is this the sort of compromising of morals that leads people astray? who am i if i am not being vocal about what i think is right? how can i call myself an honest person if i am not willing to sacrifice in the name of my moral barometer?

i imagine that a lot of politicians start out as honest people, who genuinely intend to do good things with their power. i imagine that little by little, though, one small compromise after another knocks their internal compasses off kilter, and they lose track of what they once felt were iron-clad, uncompromiseable truths.

and i wonder if this is one of those tests, where i need to see what i am made of. a really good person is being wronged, and even if i am not able to reverse the process, maybe i should at least try. maybe that's the most important thing...

what do you think?

Currently reading :
The Name of the Rose: including Postscript to the Name of the Rose
By Umberto Eco
Release date: By 28 September, 1994

a couple of things.

i am a little bit hung over today, but not too bad. i am suddenly ravenously hungry for a cheeseburger.

shannon comes home tomorrow and i am very excited. last night i got home from my carousing and walking home in the mist and, as usual, my thighs and butt were very cold. (this is a recurring body quirk, that runs in the family. my mom gets a cold butt too.) anyway, i got home, put on my pjs, and there was no one in bed to snuggle up to to warm up my freezing butt.

i slept in a little bit today, since i got home so late, and when i woke up i went outside to check on the tulips. there is one that is just about to bloom and i have been checking it each day to make sure it hasn't bloomed yet. i don't want shannon to miss it. the air is very moist and warm today. it reminds me on corsica. the air was a bit like that there, only warmer.

i want the cheeseburger, but, here's the big question: am i too lazy to get dressed and walk to it? quite possibly.


Current mood: mellow
Currently reading: A Dame to Kill For (Sin City, Book 2: Second Edition) By Frank Miller

lucero.

holy crap. i love them.

Current mood: lazy
Currently reading : Weaveworld By Clive Barker

sweet.

today is the greatest day i have ever known.
seriously.
the weather is perfect, i had *TWO* iced chais, i am dropping my hard classes because i just don't give a crap anymore, got to chat with two people who i really like, i walked around on the cool grass barefoot while standing in the sun and the air smells like flowers and freshness.
i want to marry my life right now.
i was freaking out yesterday about school, but i have figured out what i need to do, it's all going to be fine and...yeah.
everything is awesome.

Current mood: ecstatic

ack!

my free studying day is slipping through my fingers and i can't make myself to any goddamned homework! i have a big, scary genetics/heredity test tomorrow morning at 9am that i am totally unprepared for. i know that i am unprepared for it. i have time to prepare. but i'm not. i'm not really doing anything. i did some handwashing. that's good. i called my dad. that's good, too. called tabitha. then a lot of just laying around and staring at the ceiling!
I AM TOTALLY BLOWING IT, AND I KNOW IT, AND I CAN'T STOP!!!

Current mood: guilty
Currently listening : Hail To The Thief By Radiohead

resolution.

it's always a nice feeling when something has been completely plagueing you and driving you insane with worry, and then a solution presents itself that feels like the entire Universe clicking into place; like everything around you heaving a huge sigh of relief.

i've been totally losing my shit about life. everything has felt really fucked up and suffocating, not enough time in the day, too much dumb, obligatory bullshit to wade through, too much guilt... basically, i have community college senioritis and i just don't care at all about any of my classes this semester. having to keep my grades up is complete torture, because i just don't have my usual interest. then, i got laid off from one of my office jobs, but it got replaced by freelance writing, which seems neat, and will be cool to add to my resume, but means i have to spend part of my already-limited free time working on this writing project. there have been a whole bunch of really important things going on in student/college government and that has taken more time than usual. time is running out on the projects i want to get done and leave as my legacy and i barely have time to sleep, much less write proposal letters or position papers. i need to be working (job-wise) a bit more, to make money for the move to LA (which i insist on assuming is going to happen despite no acceptance yet from UCLA), and i am just sick and tired of my days being so jammed packed with stuff i don't give a crap about! i can't even read a goddamn book because i have so much school reading to do! you know me, i HAVE to read, and i just don't have the time for it. oh, and i should be spending at least an hour a day working on scholarship applications, which i obviously haven't been doing. so, life has just been feeling like it's tightening slowly around my throat.

but i think i've figured it out.

i'm going to drop one of the classes that i am taking for fun. it looks not-so-good to have that on my transcripts so close to my transfer, but it's drop the class or drop out of school entirely, so i'll do what i have to. it's my only class on tuesday, which will free up that whole day. then i can either work that day, or spend it on homework and scholarships. i'm sad, because i really like the teacher, but the class isn't turning out as awesome as it would need to in order to make the cut. sorry, myth, symbol and the arts class. you're out.

i have been a complete asshole all week because of this stress and the dilemma, and figuring out a solution that is acceptable is a HUGE weight off my mind. now i might be able to actually accomplish something, instead of lying on my bed, curled in the fetal position, whimpering about my misery.

(i know, i know. my misery is nothing compared to all the true misery in the world. but my misery is the only misery i really know, so it's all i really have to work with. i could lie in a ball and whimper about the world's misery, also, but i just don't have the time right now. it's coming though. i am reading some testimonies from kids who got kidnapped and forced to be soldiers in the civil war in uganda, and it's enough to set me off. all i really ever need to put my issues in perspective is to think about africa. dude. that's some miserable fucking misery.)

some miscellaneous notes:
-i am only just now resuming the quest for my license. sticking with driving, despite the failing of the driving test, has been quite possibly the hardest thing i have ever done, for me. i know that i have issues with doing new things, for fear of being bad at them, and that that handicaps me on a lot of levels. learning to drive is the most dramatic example, but there are a jillion more. everything in me screams to stop driving, because i did my best on the driving test and it wasn't good enough, so i suck and i should just give up. NOT giving up goes against everything i have ever taught myself. it's very difficult, but pretty amazing. if i can learn to drive and get my license, which most people do but i have had as a huge, insurmountable obstacle, then i can do anything. so, i am baby-stepping. baby-steps back behind the wheel. baby-steps to set up driver's training lessons. baby-steps to schedule my next test. (that's the biggie. i feel ill just thinking about taking that goddamn test again.) i'm not moving fast, but i'm moving, and that's what counts.

-i decided not to do homework for most of today. the rationale is: a) i have a study session at 3pm today, so i can afford to slack until then; b) i have put off doing housework (changing the bed, cleaning my filthy bathroom) for weeks because of homework, but it's got to get done; c) today is so glorious (xoxowhitney), i can not possibly be expected to get my homework done, so i won't even try. and, not doing my homework was perfection. cleaned the hizzy, chatted for a really long time with ariana, which has also been long overdo, aired out the down comforters in the sun, re-folded my sweater stacks, which had gotten pretty teetery.... everything EXCEPT homework. it was delicious and i loved it. it made having to go into broken drum for my study session less painful.

-i need a massage and a chiropractic adjustment worse than ever before.

-spring time is awesome! all the flowers are blooming! my orchids are both blooming (first time ever!), the jasmine we planted is teetering on the brink of becoming a tasty-smelling tornado of deliciousness, my tulips are finally coming up (i'd despaired that i'd screwed them up, but they are just on a different time line than the the paperwhites, i guess), the cyclamen is STILL blooming and has been for a couple of months, and even the peacelily inside is throwing off some loveliness. i have finally come into my green-thumb genes and it's pretty exciting. my mom is really proud.

-i am pondering submitting to my consumer impulses and buying a fantastic, very expensive purse. it's my first status purse and i am nervous about it, but i am pretty sure that i'm going to go for it.

-i just noticed how i switch back and forth between using contractions and the full words. that's weird. i wonder why i do that.

-i have my first solid, not-stupid, idea for a short story floating around in my brain, but i have yet to do anything about it. my parents got my chart done when my mom was pregnant with me and the astrologer said i was going to be an author, and my mom always pushes that, like it's my destiny. now shannon has started in, too. so, maybe i am getting ready to submit to my destiny. we'll see.

-me me me. i i i. sometimes i rant about world events, but today it's the kira show. forgive the narcisissm. who cares, anyway? it's my fucking blog. i'll write about whatever i want, and sometimes i just want to bitch about how hard my life is.

-to sum up.... friends are cool, school is getting old, the sun is glorious, growing things is very satisfying, learning to drive and getting my license are both more difficult than just learning the mechanics, and maybe i am an author in the making.

okay, back to the homework mines, after dinner with my sugar booger at the tasty puerto rican restaurant downtown. yumyum.

Current mood: relieved
Currently listening : The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou By Various Artists